(Closed) seriously wondering if I should marry him

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think once you both have cooled down you need to sit down and have a calm and adult discussion about finances.

Talk to him about the money you have and you you believe it should be spent.

Talk to him about how you would like to handle your finances after being married and see how he would like to handle them.

Use this awful fight as a stepping stone to either improve your relationship and find out if you really are on the same page with regards to something that is a very large part of a relationship. 

Post # 4
Member
945 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It seems like you two need to sit down and have a serious conversation about what the other expects when it comes to those kinds of finances. 

Maybe it could be that he’s jealous that he has to work for the money, where you don’t? (this is something I gathered from what you said, if I’m wrong then I apologize!) 

Try not to yell or argue, just have an open and calm conversation, sometimes it can just all be a misunderstaning of something. 

Good luck! 

Post # 6
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@abeenonymous:  Maybe he feels that he is entitled because he is your FI?

My Fiance has the whole “what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine” outlook as do I. Maybe he has that same outlook. Maybe he feels that because you 2 are living together and are almost married, that you should discuss the best ways to use your money.

Just a thought! But good luck!

Post # 7
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@abeenonymous:  It sounds like he might be realizing that he was way out of line.

Could it have been something said mostly without thinking and then he just stayed stubborn and that led to the big blow up fight.

If this is the only time he has mentioned spending your money on something, maybe give him a chance to have a calm conversation about all of this. 

Post # 9
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@abeenonymous:  If you currently use it to support yourselves he may have easily (but wrongly) assumed that you considered it money for both of you.

Had you ever talked to him about how this money was really only for your education?

I’d really give him the benefit of the doubt here, unless of course there are other issues and you are just looking for an excuse to get out of this relationship.

Post # 10
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@abeenonymous:  what did he say that made you feel like he was entitled to it?  Also, when he apologized, did he apologize for being out of line (ie: did he realize what he was doing).

Also, have you talked about how finances will be handled after you get married?

Post # 11
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@abeenonymous:  I realize this. I’m not saying this from a legal standpoint, just from a personal viewpoint. It was just an idea.

 

ETA: Sounds as though you need to sit him down and explain to him about YOUR finances and how they are not his. Like I said, maybe he feels that any money warrants a mutual understanding with what do to with it. Obvioussly you don’t feel that way.

Post # 12
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@abeenonymous:  ‘i don’t know what a man would feel entitled to that sort of money’

I’m sorry but he’s not just ‘a man’ he’s your soon to be husband and when you’re married the $ belongs tto both parties…even if that’s not how you split it up during the marriage it’s how the law sees it. Do you need to hand over the $ to your fiance? Of course not! But he isn’t far off by thinking he has a say in how it is spent–he could be totally wrong but that comment threw me–if the situation was reversed would you feel the same way?

Post # 13
Member
1920 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Money is one of the biggest causes of divorce so this is a situation I would highly recommend working out. Have either of you decided if you are joining accounts, how you plan to spend your money, savings, etc.

There should be many, many discussion about money before marriage, so if your wedding is upcoming in December I suggest starting now. Money can be a difficult subject to talk about but once you develop those open lines of communication it gets much easier. But you definitely need to be on the same page. There are even some really great books out there that can help you with these discussion.

Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@sylvia.riggle:  Actually that depends on the state.

The money I brought into the relationship is mine (and only mine) unless I start putting money I earn after being married into those accounts, same with the money Darling Husband brought into the relationship. 

I have my own money that is mine to do with what I wish and Darling Husband has no claim to it. Darling Husband has some of his own as well.

The majority of our money is joint, but we talked about and clarified what would and wouldn’t be joint before getting married and neither of us felt “entitled” to the other’s money (especially if it was gifted/inherited from family).

I think it is fine to have your “own” money in relationships, but the conversation needs to be had because people can have varying expectations and viewpoints.

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