(Closed) Set me straight!!

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

I would be upset too if I were in your shoes – not so much for what the mother-in-law is saying, but because you feel like your fiance isn’t standing up for you.  I would let him know that it really does hurt your feelings, especially when he talks to her in front of you.  I’m not sure what else to say beyond that, but good luck.

Post # 4
Member
773 posts
Busy bee

Obviously you’re correct that it’s up to your fiance to set boundaries with his mother about what is acceptable- and bashing you should never be acceptable.  The problem is that he’s been dealing with her his whole life, and he’s adapted to just saying "yeah, uh huh" over and over, because that keeps her from turning on him.

I’m dealing with a similar situation with my own Mother-In-Law right now, who is very intrusive, and my husband has trouble telling her to stop meddling because she acts hurt and offended.  

We’re actually going to couples’ counseling so that hopefully he can learn how his mom’s interference makes me frustrated and learn some tools to tell her to STFU. 🙂  The same might work for you.  

Post # 5
Member
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

This is such a difficult situation and I’m sorry you are going through it.  I had a similar problem with my ex’s mom, she hated me and he never defended me when she put me down. 

He really shouldn’t let her talk about you like that but I can understand where he is coming from.  Some people have those Moms that you just can’t put your foot down with them.  Is his Mom that type that will throw a fit if he stands up to her?  Are you the only one walking on egg shells or does everyone tip-toe around her feelings?  Maybe you could ask him to ease into it, like disagree with her when she makes a comment about you but do it in a non-arguementitive way and then slowly do it more often until she gets the message. 

I could be way off here but if she is like some of the women I know, him bluntly telling her to stop would cause a major backlash.

Post # 6
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Wow. That is a problem, and I think you have a right to be upset about this. I understand where he is coming from, in that it is easier for him to just listen to her complain, he knows he’s not agreeing with it but it is easier on him to just let her go on while she thinks he is listening. What he doesn’t realize is that he is really hurting you and allowing his mother to continue talking about you that way in some way validates her feelings about you. Is he going to allow this to continue after the wedding? When you’ve had kids together?

I think you need to sit and have a serious talk with your fiancee. Let him know how hurt you are by this, and why. Tell him you don’t necessarily want him to engage in arguments with his mother over it, but as his wife, he shouldn’t allow his mother to talk about you like that.

 

Post # 8
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

If I were in your shoes, I’d definitely be upset by this too and would really want him to stand up for me.  He needs to treat you and your upcoming marriage as a united front – he can’t just let her bash you, even if it’s easier for him to just let her rant until she’s done!  Not okay.  You really need to have a serious talk for him and lay it all out, you shouldnt have to be the one just tolerating it.  It sounds like he just doesn’t want the conflict with his mom, but he needs to realize that if this continues, it’ll just drive you crazy.  Do you really want to just put up with it your whole life?  No way!  Good luck — I hope you get this figured out, I’m sure if you bring up all the points that people have given you, your Fiance will understand!

Post # 9
Member
11 posts
Newbee

Sounds like you are caught in a really tough situation. It sounds like your Future Mother-In-Law has serious boundary issues and that she is afraid to let her son go. I have dealt with this type of situation before but not to the severity you are currently experiencing. It’s hard for you but its also hard for your Fiance. On the one hand, I’m sure he wants to defend you but on the other hand, that’s his mother and it will always be his mother. I think that even though he may not "defend" you by telling his mother to stop or telling her he is offending him, it doesnt mean that he doesnt believe it. He may just be trying to be the peacekeeper and try to maintain some level of courtesy between everyone. I mean it wouldn’t surprise me if he did tell his mother how he doesnt want to hear it anymore etc etc that would make her take it out more so on you, make you feel even more unwelcomed than you already feel.

 In laws situations are always tough. But at the end of the day, you should let her say whatever she hast o say about you, whether its true or not. That’s her opinion. What matters is your relationship with your Fiance. By letting it go and not letting it get to you, you are proving to him that you are the more mature individual.

Post # 10
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Wow, that’s a tough spot.  I’m sorry.  I think you have a great point, about your Fi not standing up for you and it’s hurting your feelings.  I also agree, that it’s the best way he’s learned to cope with his mother.  (After all, he’s had a lot of year of experience.)

 I agree you should sit down with your Fi and explain to him, how this makes you feel.  And that "it’s a private conversation" doesn’t cut it, when he’s in the same room, in front of you, and you can hear her on the other end.  Also I think by him just saying, "yeah, uh huh," it probably fuels her, allowing her to think he does agree, or that she is somehow "getting through" to him.

If he tells her to knock it off, will she likely come down harder on you?  I think the best approach for him, is to try countering her with good examples of the things you do.  If she thinks you don’t clean the house enough, he can tell her that you just made the best dinner.  (And that you’d love to learn how to make his favorite spaghetti sauce from her.)  Or that you are great at cleaning the bathrooms, which he really appreciates since he has a weakness in leaving it really messy.  I can’t say she’ll just love you, but maybe she’ll start getting the hint that she’s not going to shake him.

The other thing he can try is to simply get off the phone with her, when she talks like this.  He can talk to her for an hour about what the family is up to, but as soon as she starts bashing you, he can interrupt and end the conversation.  "Sorry, Mom.  I lost track of time and have to mow the lawn before it gets too late."  "Sorry, Buster is really excited.  I think I need to take him for a walk now."  "Whoops, sounds like the laundry is ready.  I’ll talk to you later."

The only other thing I can think of, is if this is really a problem she has with all of her children, maybe they can all address this with her together.  If no one is good enough for her kids, she probably has an issue letting go, and an unhealthy attachment to them.  She probably tries to be too controlling.  If Fiance goes at it with all of his siblings, I would think that would be more effective in getting her to see the light.  She probably wouldn’t want to alienate herself from all of her children.  Just a thought.

Post # 12
Member
1045 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2008

She criticizes you directly, repeatedly, to your fiance, and he just says "ummm hmmmm"?  That’s crazy!  He needs to stand up to her, and let her know that you two are a unit now, and make it clear that criticizing you will not be tolerated.  I understand that sometimes we have to deal with Mother-In-Law who are a little more involved than we’d like, but if she is disrespecting you like that and saying negative things about you not deserving this and that, he needs to draw the line.

Ha, if it were me, and I heard her slagging me off on the phone, I’d probably just take the phone out of his hand, and ask her to tell me directly.  See what she’d say then!

Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
1045 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2008

pendola,

ES123’s point about the kids is critical– I think it was amandopolis who posted about having a grandmother who was very critical of her mom, and how terrible that experience was growing up.  She might have some points to give you to help show how important this is for your Fiance to address and nip in the bud.

Post # 16
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

tough one; my belief is even if it’s his mother once two people marry you are now One; the man stands by his wife..they leave the family and become one with the wife; if you are direspected he is disrespected it’s as simple as that

 

this is outright disloyalty to you

 

I suggest you talk to him about it; it can become a HUGE problem once you get married, do you really need this aggravation?

 

Luckily my future Mother-In-Law is nice to me, I have nothing against her, I don’t like my FFIL’s girlfriend, shes a debbie downer and doesn’t have happy things to say (funny even my Future Father-In-Law said he was happy she’s not coming the minute she left our table—whew!  even the dad cant stand her); I’m going to minimize my interactions with her in the future

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