(Closed) Setting an amount of time to date before getting engaged..

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think you can put a time limit on it, everyone’s life is at a different pace.  It’s ridiculous to say “When I’m this age I’ll do this, and then a year later I’ll do this and then 2.546 years later this will happen”.  lol  Talk to him about it and discuss how its just not feasible to put a timeline like that on it.

Post # 4
Member
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Well, Darling Husband and I dated for a little more than 5 years before getting engaged (& lived together nearly the entire time) but I don’t think it’s necessary for everyone. We’re still young (we’ll both be 26 next month) so considering we started dating when we were 19, waiting more than 6 years to get married was right for us (we had a 16 month engagement). I personally wouldn’t have wanted to get married before I was 25 so I think a lot of it has to do with age. If you’re still young then I see no rush to get married. If it’s meant to be, you’ll still be together after you’ve invested a few years into your relationship. On the other hand, a couple in their 30’s may expedite things since the window for having children will be shortened.

Length of courtship really does depend on the couple but I think everyone should date for atleast a year or two before deciding to get married. Couples really need to get past the “lovey dovey, everythings perfect and we’re so totally in love” stage and get to know each other on more of a realistic level before committing to spend the rest of their lives together. 

OP, I think you should talk to your SO and tell him how you feel. If you think that you’ll be ready to take the next step before the 5 year mark then tell him that. However, if he’s genuinely not ready then you need to respect that. 

Post # 5
Member
1643 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I believe a lot of what guys say to each other / together is bravado.  I agree will SpA you need to talk to him, and find out exactly what HIS views are on it.  Some couple will take a lot longer than 5 years to decide they are ready to get engaged.  Some never get married, some people decide they want to get engaged far sooner.  Different people have different life plans.  We’ve been together over 11 years, bought a house together 4 years ago, and got engaged last Oct….  so everyone is different.  Ask him what his timeline looks like, and see how it fits in with your own 🙂

Post # 6
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

It sounds like the guys made a pact when they were in high school.  I would think that as they mature their views on love and life would mature as well.  If your guy feels more obligated to keep that kind of promise to his friends than to make a mature adult decision to plan and participate in his own romantic future – that is is sign!

Post # 8
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

a friend of mine was early into dating a guy who announced something similar at dinner one night, in front of her.  she let it roll.  They were married within 2-3 years, babies soon after….I think it all changed once he met the right person!

Post # 9
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@LibraryBlondie:  Umm that sounds like a good excuse to drag things out to me. I mean if you both start dating in high school, then yes I it makes sense to me. But if you’re in your 30s or 40s, 5 years seems a bit long to me. You should know what you want and if the relationship is right way before then. Also if you don’t want to wait 5 years, tell him that you think you two will be ready before you hit the 5 year mark. Honestly I don’t see why guys are ok with moving in with a girl but then say that marriage is such a big commitment, blah blah blah. I always have seen that as a lame excuse especially if you’ve been through alot together and have lived together more than a year already. But that’s just my two  cents.

Post # 10
Member
519 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think it totally depends on the couple. Darling Husband and I dated for about 4 years before we were engaged, but we knew within several months of dating that we would be marrying each other. We would have been engaged and married much sooner if we hadn’t been in school at the time. I think we are more comfortable with each other because we dated for years before getting engaged, but had we gotten married a couple of years sooner I know there wouldn’t have been any surprises in terms of things we didn’t know about each other. Some relationships just move faster than others. 

Post # 11
Member
716 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

My rule with Boyfriend or Best Friend is “nearly” a year, just cause if we get engaged now we might get some ire from parents/friends, though we know we’ll get engaged soon. 5 years? Are you effing kidding me?

Post # 12
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t think I would want to wait 5 years. I was with my Fiance for a year when we got engaged.

Post # 13
Member
1328 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I’m a firm believer that guys say stupid things with other guys Tongue Out  I remember a few years ago a friend’s boyfriend saying that he didn’t want to get married before he was 30.  Long story short, they got married a year later and he was 27.

Personally I think when you’re ready, you’re ready.  My parents got engaged 2 weeks after they met, and they’ve been together 35+ years.  Not saying that’s a good idea for most people, but hard set rules like that clearly don’t apply to everyone.

Post # 14
Member
2416 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

We got engaged after dating for almost 5 years before getting engaged…I do agree that each relationship is different…and he’ll realize that, too, when the time is right!

Post # 15
Member
1370 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

DH’s mom always asked that he date someone at least a year before getting engaged. She rushed into a marriage that ended bery badly. So, Darling Husband always told me it would get engaged after a year at least  after dating when we started talking about engagement. Darling Husband proposed 3 days shy of 1 year. It was perfect for us.

Post # 16
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2012

We were together 1.5 years when we got engaged, will be together 2.5 year when we marry. (1 year engagement).

Like so many others have said, it is SO different for everyone, and age is a big factor. I was 25 and the future hubs was 32 when we started dating, and we’ll be 28 and 35 when we get hitched.

For us, we were ready to move forward. At say, 21 or 22 I’d never have thought I’d get engaged at 1.5 years. But it was SUCH the right time. (We even felt ready before that, honestly…I think he waited to get over the 1 year hump so people wouldn’t “talk”)

That being said, if your Boyfriend or Best Friend is using this “rule” as an excuse not to get married for a long time, but you feel differently, you have to talk about it (just as others have said).

Also – I have 4 brothers ranging from 19-25, and their views on marriage are WAY different from my friends (26+ years) and my fiance’s friends (mostly 30+).

Age is SUCH a huge factor with guys!!!

 

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