(Closed) Setting boundaries

posted 4 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 2
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Don’t tell her (or anyone) when you go into labor, that will ensure only you and DH in delivery – same with first few hours alone. 

Regarding setting boudaries, the best way I’ve personally found, is to set the boundary and then if the other person is going to tanturm about it, well there’s nothing I can do, but I don’t budge.  If someone tries to guilt trip I’ll say that I’m sorry they feel that way and then end the conversation, or don’t reply.   

I’m kind of new to all this, due to FI’s family, but I recommend DWIL. Reading the message board there for a little while now has been really helpful.

Post # 3
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

My mom is bipolar and also has borderline personality disorder so I can relate. She used to always make me feel guilty about not spending time with her and I just got to the point where I dont care anymore. I am happier not having to spend time with her so thats what I’m gonna do. She can come by for 1 visit and that is it for the first few weeks.

I dont want anyone around the first few weeks really. My husband has 2 kids and says the first few months are actually the easiest becuase the baby just eats, sleeps, and poops all day. I think the time when you would need the most help would be if it was baby #2 and you wanted parents to entertain your first kid so you can take care of the newborn.

I feel like if you had your parents around 24/7 with a newborn there would be way too many hands in the pot. I dont want someone else changing her and putting her down for naps in her first few weeks, she is MINE and I dont want to share. My husband and I are more than capable of handling all that ourselves.

Your boundaries are totally reasonable. Just make sure your DH is on the same page.

Post # 4
Member
2020 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Make sure DH is in the same page. I’d just put it on him to get it done.

Post # 5
Member
1001 posts
Bumble bee

If you don’t want visitors while you’re in the hospital giving birth, just tell the hospital staff.  Ask them to remove you from the directory listing (so that people calling the switchboard will not be able to locate your room) and tell the birthing center staff that you don’t want ANYONE visiting your room other than your partner.  I used to work in hospital security.  We dealt with this on occasion, when the visitors didn’t listen to the staff about not being allowed back, and threw a fit.  If you tell the staff, they will handle all of this – you won’t even have to think about it, and can focus on you.

For the stuff after you’re out of the hospital, I have no particular advice, as I’ve never been through childbirthand never will go through it.  Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I understand everyone is different but I could never keep my mother or husbands parents away from the hospital. This is a very joyous moment in their lives too I wouldn’t have it in me to tell them not to come see their new grandchild. 

Post # 7
Member
9208 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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aubreymer91 :  I’m setting the same boundaries and for the first two – I’m just not planning on telling them I’m in labor. They WILL come to the hospital and wait even if I tell them not to so my plan is just to call them after I’ve delivered and we’ve had a chance to settle in and let them know the grandbaby has arrived and to come visit. I don’t need the stress of knowing people are waiting outside the room for me to push out a human so they can meet him/her. 

As for the first week at home they all know me well enough to know that I will straight up not answer the door if they come over when I ask them not to so I’m less worried about that part hahaha. My mom had the same rule with her mom when she had her first baby but ended up calling her anyways and saying “ok you can come over IF you buy me a couple of huge bras because mine don’t fit and I’m super uncomfortable” lol. 

Post # 9
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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aubreymer91 :  I personally just think this is hard to plan out in advance when you don’t know how labor/delivery/recovery will go. I’m due in Septmber with my first. My older sister had my mom stay with her for about 2 weeks after she had all 3 of her kids. She LOVED having my mom there. She helped take care of my sister post c-section, and she helped watch/entertain the older kids, she cooked, cleaned, and helped with late night feedings if my sister wanted/needed the sleep. My sister’s IL’s weren’t the helpful kind and would just want to come hold the baby for a bit and go home. My mom lives about 7-8 hrs away from my sister so it wasn’t a situation where she could just come and go.

The next morning after I had told my mom I was pregnant she started asking when I wanted her there and how long. It’s not that I wouldn’t want her help, but unlike my sister I live closer to my mom and I also have IL’s that will actually be helpful as well. My mom isn’t happy I don’t have a clear answer for her, but understands it’s not the same as my sister’s situation.

 

Setting boundaries with parents is hard because I think ultimately they still think they know what’s best for you. My IL’s were teasing DH this weekend since he’s read the baby books, knows what I should/shouldn’t eat, is concerned about smoke bothering me, etc. They kept saying it’s amazing the people ever had babies before all the rules today…. Well finally he had enough of it and told them he loves me and this baby and we are his priority and his only job in this pregnancy is to make sure we’re happy and healthy. It shut them up for the weekend, but I’m sure they’ll make jokes again, and he’ll need to assert himself again too.

 

We don’t want to keep family away in case they might do something that annoys us, and want to give them the benefit of the doubt. The main rule DH and I have and will be ready to enforce when the baby arrives is that if they want to visit and are just looking to be entertained or hold the baby, if they aren’t helping out in some way, or they are critical of anything we do parenting wise, or even if both sets of parents overlap visit and they can’t get along, they will be asked to leave. DH is big on the idea of “my house, my family, my rules.”

 

Main thing is making sure you and DH are united and set and enforce those boundaries together.

Post # 10
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Depending on how far away Mum or Mother-In-Law lives, I would tell them after I have had the baby. By the time they get to the hospital, you would have had a few hours to yourselves. I just want myself and hubby(don’t know if he can make it. cant even stand the sisght of needles so I think he would be more useless than useful to be honest) I would have loved my Mum to be there but she lives in a different country and would come after the birth. I also don’t want a lot of visitors immediately after. need time to regain my dignity.

I would give DWIL a miss instead of going there as  someone suggested. Too many angry people there with dysfunctional relationships and the advice you get on there mostly just make things worse in my opinion. I know you don’t need a bunch of internet strangers telling you what to do but you definitely don’t need them makinga bad situation worse.

 

Your comfort first before anyone’s curiousity or love to meet their….grandson,nephew,niece etc

 

Post # 11
Member
9208 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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aubreymer91 :  don’t feel bad about not wanting her there – my mom is AMAZING and one of my best friends and I still don’t want her there. It’s a time for my husband and I to enjoy alone for a little while. There will be plenty of time for grandma to enjoy her new grandbaby but she doesn’t need to be there while I’m in labor. 

Post # 12
Member
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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aubreymer91 :  My mom also has BPD, so I know exactly where you’re coming from.  It is incredibly hard to set boundaries with these people, but you have to do it for your own sanity.  I just got to this point in the past couple years, and although it was hard at first, it is so much easier now.

A couple recommendations: read the book, “Surviving the Borderline Parent”.  Visit DWIL Nation on Babycenter (they are total badasses at dealing with difficult parents and in-laws).  

As for people telling you they could never keep their mother from the hospital during this joyous time…they clearly missed the part in your post mentioning BPD and/or clearly don’t have a parent with BPD.  

Don’t tell her baby is here until you’re ready.  And then YOU tell her when you’ll be ready for visitors.

Feel free to PM me if you need anything. 🙂

Post # 13
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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aubreymer91 :  Ok I didn’t know that. My apologies..I’m just someone on wedding bee…don’t worry about what I said. 

Post # 14
Member
3003 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

View original reply
aubreymer91 :  I think your boundaries are completely reasonable. If you cahnge your mind about #3 and decide you want or need more help/company in the days after the baby is born, you can always ask people to come by. Anyway, I just finished reading a book on setting boundaries and found it really healpful. I also need to set a boundary with my mom about our second baby’s birth (due in May). I made the mistake of not being clear and firm enough with her when our first was born and she barged in just minutes after I had my son and stayed way too long. She literally elbowed my husband out of the way to get to me and the baby! This time, I want the first few hours at the birth center to be for just me and my husband to rest, recover, and bond with our second baby. We will welcome visitors after that. Anyway, here is the section from the book on dealing with what they refer to as “guilt messages.” Hope this helps! Good luck and congrats!

How to Handle Guilt Messages from Your Mom

Post # 15
Member
2120 posts
Buzzing bee

Okay so I’m not even pregnant, but I know exactly how I’m going to handle this.

1) Nobody will be told when I go into labour, only my husband. 

2) I will spell out to every single person that we will not want visitors regularly. 

3) I will then spell out to them that if they want to visit they MUST call first, and I simply won’t unlock the gates for anyone who just “turns up”. 

At any point if your mum (or anyone else) is getting on your nerves, just tell them you’re really sorry but you’re sore and tired and you really need to get some sleep. Thanks for dropping by. Just make sure your husband knows the plan too, he can then help usher the person out of your house while you walk off to bed. 

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