Post # 1
Hey Bees! I’m going incognito on this one.
I am 31, boyfriend 37. Dating 2 years. no sign of ring or engagement even though he says he wants to marry me. everyone (parents and coworkers) are telling me to leave . I have already a few times threatened to leave him and now i think i will. I truly love him and enjoy my time with him, but there are some thing that are obviously causing friction between us and stopping us from going further.
-he is cheap. in that he has only 2 pairs of shoes and wears clothes he gets for free. he also keeps saying i’m living the high life even though i don’t – i don’t go nutso for designer duds or travel but he thinks having one micheal kors bag means i am paris hilton. he has 2 pairs of jeans and only a few shirts.
-he gets weird and distant for the holidays to the extent where he is MIA and won’t make any firm plans with me which leaves me in tears every christmas, anniversary, b-day, valentines day,etc…. for our anniversary last year he had nothing planned and didn’t wanna do antyhing , but then went to celebrate a friends b-day! I pretty much have to call and beg him to join me.
-he doesN’t like goIng out for dinner with me or sightseeing(museum, road trip, etc…) getting him to do something like this is like pulling teeth. he claims he can’t get to know thE real me by doIng these things (i think this is BS) AND THAT WE CAN’T SPOil ourselves yet.
-lies to me when he knows i won’t approve of something instead of just telling me the truth and working on things and figuring out if things are deal breakers or not. this is pissing me off
-also, my loved ones have said that it seems like he is unwilling to change and that i have made changes and have been accomodating with various things (doesn’t matter what) and that if one partner is rigid and stuck in their ways that they are unlikley to change and it has potential to cause me even more tears in the future.
m i just fooling myself here? he is a nice person…..
Post # 3
hmmmm…some of the things on your list are unfortunate but not deal breakers– other than the lying. Whats that all about? Have you had a sit-down, bare-all convo about the future with him? I think we need more info.
Post # 4
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
@notmuchtime: He’s too old to be a “work in progress.” I’m not sure if the things you listed would warrant me to tell you to leave your SO, but ask yourself if those are deal breakers for YOU (not your coworkers and family members). I do think that family members are usually pretty good indicator about SOs, and I personally think disapproving family is a huge red flag about something I may just be missing.
On a somewhat related note…have you ever seen the How I Met Your Mother episode where Ted can’t see the flaws in his gfs until others point it out to him, and then it’s all he can see?
Post # 5
@notmuchtime: Ask yourself this, how compatable are you both for the long run? Can you honestly be okay with never going to the museum, or on road trips, or buying the occassional luxury item, or going out on dinner dates. You cannot assume that he will eventually come around and give in from time to time, you have to accept who is right now. If he were to change, that would be nice for you, but again, cannot be expected.
If he lies to you I would be on alert a bit. I would assume it is a lot of “sure we can do this” and then you never actually do, but if these are bigger lies, I would be very cautious. Plus, if he is willing to lie to you about things, would it really be a stretch to assume he is lying to you about marrying you one day? I would just be hesitant to trust him.
Nice guys are NOT liars. Sure, humans lie, but for it to make the list, I would assume it’s a pretty significant issue. Also, nice guys don’t insult their GFs (equating you to Paris Hilton over one bag, REALLY?).
While I don’t want to tell you what to do, all I can say is if DH was like that, no matter how much I loved him or thought he was a nice guy, he would not be my DH. He would be my EX and I’d be working on finding a guy that enjoyed more of what I enjoyed in life, with similiar goals, and treated me more closer to the way I want to be treated. (Mainly celebrating important events together, and not making me end up in tears over things like this…) DH had to learn that these things were important to me, because he wasn’t raised where they were all that important (I mean like Happy Birthday is enough in his family) but he adjusted beautifully to the way I liked to celebrate, and we kind of met in the middle.
Post # 6
when brining up past thingshe lies which makes me feel crazy cuz i remember different situations
he lies about presents he has received. if i ask him if he received a christmas present from a coworker he says “no” BUT THEN I find out months later anyways
he lies about where he has been if i don’t like those friends
he lies about situations
he lies about his upbringing and homelife – makes it sound worse than it is
yes we have had many conversations about the future – we both agree we want to be together but our ideal lifestyles differ. he would probably be happy diong paper mache and making things from scratch and never eating out, etc…. whereas i would not be happy with that. personally, i wouldn’t spend 40 hours fixing a brocken chair if i could pay someone $20 to fix it….. this is what we fight about a lot – he would rather spend lots of time and do something for free even though his time is worth most and time has been wasted
Post # 7
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
@notmuchtime: Yeah, from reading your reply this is not personally some one I could live with [forever].
Post # 8
It sounds like you both have different priorities about how to spend money. I found that no matter how hard you try to see the other person’s point of view on money … it’s one of those things that will eventually drive you apart. It already sounds like a wedge is being pushed between the two of you. If he knows you won’t approve of something, he does it anyway and then lies? It sounds like he thinks it’s better to ask forgiveness rather than permission. He’s 37 that seems odd to me. You started off saying you love him and like spending time with him…. .but end it with .. .he’s a nice person? I think you should probably think hard about this whole thing.
Post # 9
It sounds like you don’t share the same values. It’s okay to have little things you have differences on – that is what makes a relationship interesting! But it sounds like you have fundamental differences on pretty important aspects of your lives.
Post # 10
exactly – he does what he wants even if he knows i do not approve and then asks for forgiveness
Post # 11
wow. thank you for the bluntness – i think this is what my loved ones are trying to tell me in a roundabout way without hurting my feelings.
i never thought to draw the connection between him lying about things and lying about getting married.
i also have been fooling myself thinking he would come around and take me to museums, dinners etc… and no i would not be happy not diong those things in our future.
WOW, I can’t believe I have been so blind – I’m usually pretty good at sniffing out scumbags
Post # 12
Ok but he’s a grownup… not a child. DH and I just check our schedules and make plans, he doesn’t .. and I don’t … ask if it’s ok to go out with the people we are going out with. If he doesn’t like my friend he can suck it up, unless i’m mainling heroin with her …. what’s the problem?
As for spending $20.00 to have someone fix something that costs his time, what if he LIKES doing the task? Satisfaction from doing something with his hands. Hell we can pay someone to come in and paint our house but we’d rather save the $$$ and paint ourselves and be able to get satisfaction of the work we put in.
Fundemental differences aren’t bad, don’t make someone evil just makes it hard to build a life together unless there is alot of give and take.
Post # 13
OP – I think that that fact that he hasn’t proposed, means you’ve dodged a bullet!
Post # 14
I have a psychhiatrist friend who says that people don’t really get to know each other until 2 years. So I wouldn’t say that it’s hopeless. But I think you guys really need to get on the same page about spending money. do you both have good savings. Are there specific things he’s hoping to save for? As a natural saver and also someone who will usually not want to pay for things I can do myself, I can understand your guy. But I also see the vaalue in going out to dinner and to activities. I look at it as an investment in our relationship. We set aside money specifically for date nights. There are lots of options out there, but he has to be willing to listen and compromise about this, to some degree. Have a discussion about what you both want from your money. BBecause that’s the bottom line issue. What do you want your money to do for you? Before we got married, I read the book “Financially Ever After” andd it was really good o help start conversations that helped make sure we were on the same page.
As far as the lying goes, I’m not sure. It sounds like some of it could be just not thinking things through or exageration. And it doesn’t sound like he lies about things that are actually related to you or the relationship. Except the lying about who he goes out with. is he afraid you’ll flip out? That might be why. But that is also something that needs to be addressed.
Post # 15
I don’t think marrying this guy is a good idea.
The two of you may like and love each other, and that’s fine, but that’s not all that marriage is about. It’s also about compatibility, and the two of you don’t seem all that compatible to me.
All of these behaviors you’ve listed are likely to stick around and get worse if the two of you get married. He’s not going to magically become a new man, so if you marry him you’ll be marrying all of those things you don’t like about him.
Marrying this man doesn’t sound like the best idea, to me.
Post # 16
yikes. i’d be out. why should you have to convince him to actually do things with you?