Post # 1
Happy Monday Bees!
I think it would be interesting to hear your opinons on a topic that my SO and I talked about over dinner this weekend. I have 3 friends getting married this year, and we talked about how I think one of the couples is settling. Basically, my SO thinks that everyone settles. He doesn’t believe in soulmates, and thinks that if you waited long enough you probably could find someone who is damn near perfect for you, but most people don’t feel like waiting so they ‘settle’ down. And that we could all be with a number of different people, it’s just who you decide to land on. (I agreed with him that we could all be with multiple people, but not so much the rest of it).
This made me a little uneasy! I said to him, so are you settling for me? (We live together now and the next step is engagement which he has made very clear that he wants). And he didn’t really answer, and I told him that if he felt like he could find someone better for him, that I wouldn’t want to be settled upon because I think everyone deserves to find a person who makes them feel lucky to be paired to and worthwhile.
So what is your opinion? Do we all settle?
Post # 2
No. If you are settling, you’re making that choice. I didn’t settle and neither did my husband.
Post # 3
No… it would be foolish to do that with so many fish in the sea.
Post # 4
Well first let me say that you shouldn’t take this too much to heart. I don’t think he means “settle” in the context you’re taking it. Men are practical beings who don’t operate on emotions like we do. So in a logical sense he’s right. The idea that there is “that one person” for us seems unrealistic. For many people you meet someone and say to yourself “I could be with him/ her” But that sense of can’t live without you comes over time. A long time of being together until you really can;t remember life without that person. But as far as standing at the alter feeling like soulmates, nah. If that were the case, the divorce rate wouldn’t be so high.
Post # 5
talula23: No, we don’t all settle. Certainly not. But some people definitely do — and I wouldn’t want their life. LIke 801wife: says … there are so many fish in the sea to choose from, why settle? Well, I’ll tell you why I think people settle … becasue they get desperate. They see everyone else they know getting married and they want a ring on their finger, or a Facebook cover photo of them with their bridal party jumping in front of a rustic barn, or some other such nonsense. It’s social or personal insecurity or both that leads people to marry someone they probably shouldn’t. And it’s not a good thing. I’ve seen a lot of it. Your Boyfriend or Best Friend is right; people should just wait until someone that is damn near perfect for them comes along. And sometimes that takes some real patience. Worth it, though. I found mine.
Post # 6
There is a difference between settling and compromising. You will NEVER find someone who is perfect – that we are sure of…however, whatever MUST HAVES you do have (assuming they are reasonable and hopefully you are a reasonable person), has to be met with the person you decide to be with. However, there are things you will compromise on (your wants but they aren’t necessarily must haves).
For instance, I HAVE to have a man who I am physically attracted to. If I date someone who is really nice but who I am not physically attracted to, I am settling.
I prefer a man who has at least one child (I have kids from a previous relationship). I have dated men who did not have kids but it’s a compromise for me (no settling). And it’s up to those men to know if they have either compromised or settled for someone with kids, etc.
I have been there…Back to my first example although it’s a superficial/shallow example, I have been with men that I liked but weren’t physically attracted to…it always comes back to bite me in the ass and I ALWAYS lose interest because I know in my heart I have settled. But that issue could be no big deal to someone else because looks may not be important to that person. I feel like, if someone thinks they settled for you, their must haves were not met with you and who wants to be with a person who feels this way? What if one day that person comes across someone who appears to have their must haves?
Post # 7
I do think some people settle, but not all.
I don’t think I’m settling with my Fiance at all. He’s amazing and I completely lucked out finding him so early in life. I don’t believe in soulmates but it’s hard for me to imagine finding someone more perfect for me.
Post # 8
I have to agree with your SO. I don’t believe in soulmates, so I do believe it is a matter of finding the right person at the right time for you and making a decision to commit. I adore my Darling Husband, and I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else then and I don’t want anyone else now. But do I think he is the only possible person I could have been with and been happy? No. There are billions of people in the world, and either of us would have been capable of making a successful and happy life with any number of them, not only each other.
So, yes, we both decided to settle down at the same time and found one another. I still wouldn’t want anyone else, nor would he. We are very happy. But soulmates? Yeah, no such thing.
Post # 9
I am not settling. To be honest, my fiance is the handsomest, kindest, best man I have ever met. I feel like I have found the world with him.
I almost settled a few years ago. I’m so unbelieveably glad I did not!
Post # 10
I am just going to respond more to how his comment (or lack of reassuring response) may have made you feel. Sorry it turned into a novel!
I suppose, while painful to our pride, it’s sort of a pragmatic view! If your man looks at you and says there’s absolutely no other woman in the world that he would be happy with or attracted to or couldn’t build a life with…well, we’d all love our SO’s to view us that way! But it’s sort of an unsustainable pedestal to be put on.
In a way, in my opinion, what he’s saying is sort of the point of marriage — that you’re committing to one specific person even while knowing that there could be someone else out there that would “work” for you but vowing not to look anymore and instead dedicate yourself to this one person.
I am a sucker for romance and “no one else is as amazing as you” sentiments, but it almost feels more romantic to me in a sense to be chosen this way. To know that the other person, in this case your boyfriend, is choosing you with his eyes wide open. He sees that you are only human but that you’re the amazing one he wants to be with. That you are wonderful, but that you have faults and that there will be other women in the world that have those good qualities, too. He could easily choose to wait and find someone else. But he isn’t.
He’s choosing you and doesn’t want to keep looking for someone that might be “better”. Yes, that could be called “settling” but it’s not always necessarily a bad thing with the bad vibe we give it.
We call it “settling down” for a reason 🙂 Finding a good spot or person at some stage of our life that feels like a comfort zone and going ahead and making that person or place our home. Not pursuing far off adventures as our lifestyle or flings with other people anymore, but realizing that happiness is in front of us and doing what it takes to make that thrive and grow. It’s not being ignorant that there are still adventures and other people out there that could be experienced, but rather that a person makes the decision to stop looking and settle where they are or with whom they’re in love.
Just to be clear, I definitely know some people I would say are “settling” for sure in the way you were referring to. But I love how Butterfly6: explained things, too. And we can’t always know how someone else really feels. They might be genuinely happy and simply don’t want to look anymore.
Post # 11
So I think that the word “settling” implies that you are giving up on something that would contribute to your happiness. So, perhaps the guy you’re with is great but the sex is awful, but you decide to settle for him because you don’t think you’ll be able to find another guy that great. Sex is important to you, but you’re giving it up because you think you’ll be even more unhappy without him. Or you’re with a guy who is is nice enough, but he has a job that forces you to travel constantly and you HATE traveling/being away from your family. But you settle for him because, again, you think you’ll be even more unhappy without him.
I don’t think that your SO is using “settling” in this context, however. If I’m understanding him correctly, he’s saying what I agree with, which is this:
You can never know that you are with the best person for you. You can never know that there isn’t someone else out there who you could love as much, or even better. It’s very likely that there is someone out there. Will you meet this person if you choose to leave the person you’re with? Who knows? There will always be the “what ifs” in life, even if you are perfectly happy with who are are with now.
However, I believe that love is a choice. You choose the person you’re with, every day. You may recognize that there are others out there, but you make the choice that the person you’re with is going to be your person forever. You can’t live your life based on “what ifs.” You have to make the choice to be with the one who you are with. The other people out there don’t matter because you have chosen your person.
Over time, this person becomes more and more entangled in your life. After a while, you can’t imagine how your life would be separate from this person. They are simply a part of your life, as you are a part of their life. At this point, nobody out there is as perfect for you at this moment in time as is your partner. Your partner is part of your life, and anyone else simply cannot measure up.
So…I guess what I’m trying to say is that yes, there will always be possibilities out there. You have to make the decision to choose the person you are with. Personally I think it makes it even more special that someone would choose me, even knowing that there are so many other options out there.
Post # 12
talula23: I think you guys are having a semantic disagreement.
I think that the idea of soul mates is utterly rediculous. I think that you need to find a pretty special person in order to make a happy life with them, but of course it’s not the one person meant for you in the whole world. That’s just silly.
But when you find a person to make a life with, are you settling? Well, there is an opportunity cost. You have to decide you aren’t going to look for someone better. But, at least for me, I was able to easily make that decision. I feel lucky to be with my Darling Husband every day. I do my best to be the kind of partner he deserves and to do the work to make our marriage strong and happy (I’m not perfect AT ALL, but I do try).
I would call settling choosing to marry someone who you know wont make you happy or when you still have the nagging feeling that you could do better.
Post # 13
I don’t believe in soulmates. I have a hard time believing that there is only ONE person out there. I think I could be just as happy with a number of guys…I just met my husband first.
My husband is an amazing man and I wouldn’t trade him for anything. However there are also things about him that drive me crazy…as there are things about ME that drive HIM crazy. Finding someone to marry and spend your life with in my opinion is more about finding someone who has a similar lifestyle, someone who puts up with your quirks, someone who “gets” you, someone who is your biggest supporter… Looks and a “spark” will fade with time, but all those other traits will last. I love my husband and I love that I am with him…but I don’t think he is the ONLY man in the entire world who I could have built a life with. He is the man I CHOSE to build a life with.
Post # 14
Idk. I’d be offended if my SO felt everyone settles and it’s just a matter of who they landed on, and was saying that to me, the person he had “landed on”. I didn’t settle, I chose.
Post # 15
I think that women tend to fall for a guy, get into a relationship, and then want marriage with THAT guy. I think men tend to be ready for marriage whenever they’re ready, and whichever girl they’re dating at that time will get proposed to. Not always, of course, but generally I see this happen a lot.
I mean, think of all the breakups you know of where the girl wanted marriage, the guy didn’t, and then the NEXT girl he dates? They get married.