Settling down

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
10027 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

When you were engaged, did the prospect of marrying someone and moving and “settling down” in a small place ever make you anxious?

No, because we moved in together way before ever getting engaged. My Darling Husband is a lot like you, he loves to move around different places and travel and this that and the other. I’ve always lived in the same town, prior to Darling Husband had never left and i’m really a homebody. What we agreed on was that we would “settle down” in my town for the forseeable future, however, when my father and grandma pass on I would be willing to go where he wanted at that point if he still wanted to move to a new place.

That being said, it is hard for Darling Husband here. He has a great job, we own a home, etc. but his family isn’t here, he doesn’t have many friends here and all around its more of a place for families then where he came from. So, I would expect that there are growing pains there for most people. But this is what we agreed on and Darling Husband is holding up his end of the deal and making it work so I can be with my family while they are still around. When its time to hold up my end I’ll make the same sacrifice.

Post # 4
Member
14969 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I grew up in the same house (since I was 4, so as long as I can remember) and my parents still live there now.  We never really travelled until I was in high school.  But that doesn’t really have anything to do with my fear, or lack of, of settling down.  We settled down and bought a house 45 minutes away from where I grew up, now an hour from the city.  Darling Husband moved like 8 times by the time he was in high school and then moved to my state (a 4 hr flight from what he considers home, his last place where he went to high school) and he got “stuck” here.  But we’re still close to the city and we certainly scratch our itch to travel.  Settling down has anything to do with traveling.  Why not come to some middle ground and agree not to lock yourself down with a house in a small city or town for some amount of time so you can be free to move if you guys find new opportunities?  Even if you do buy, you can always sell.  Darling Husband parents bought and sold a home almost each time they moved.  I don’t get the itch to move, he only wants to move back “home”.  We like our home to be settled, but have the freedom to travel and vacation.

Post # 5
Member
10027 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

akshali2000 :  Communication is key! My situation is a little different because I come from a tiny family and my dad and my grandma are all I have left aside from an aunt and uncle. My dad’s health has been pretty poor for a long time and my grandma is in her 70s so Darling Husband understands that its important for me to be with them now because likely they won’t be around forever. Darling Husband comes from a huge family so he will always have family to go home to. Once my family is gone, thats it. I won’t have a family to go home to anymore. So really the greatest gift he has ever given me is the opportunity to stay with my family while I can even though I know its hard for him to miss his family. We’re lucky in that we only lived 4 hours apart long distance so we can still travel monthly to make visits to see his folks.

My advice would be not to look at it as forever. You can always sell a home and move years down the road if thats what the two of you agree on.

Post # 8
Member
14969 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

akshali2000 :  I honestly dont think that renting is going to help with buying a house, other than to take the time pressure off.  There isn’t much to learn about the process imo, you will quickly find out what you need to know.  What you don’t know, you don’t know to ask anyways, and no amount of time will teach you that lesson.  It really is a learn by doing experience to me.  And he is kinda right too if you ask me.  Interest rates are still at an all time low, but who knows how long that will last.  Even a percentage can be huge for mortgage… we refinanced twice after we bought cause rates dropped even less than that.

Post # 9
Member
1552 posts
Bumble bee

I can relate. My husband and I have always lived together, but so far we have moved every year including 3 different countries and about 6 different cities. We get itchy feet and can move easily with my husbands job. Weve recently moved to the US and im in the first place ever that I could actually imagine us living in for a significant period of time (like 10 years, maybe more). Unfortunately my husbands contract will end in a few years and we will be forced to move. He loves it here too so we are hoping he might be able to find another job here, or at least in a similar state. I love moving, I love experiencing life in different places and getting to travel but I know that as were getting older it just makes sense to settle down. I find peace in that even though it will be harder when we have a house and children, it is always possible to move again if we want to, nothing has to be ‘forever’. I definitely recommend renting somewhere first before you buy to make sure the town is for you. 

Post # 11
Member
2517 posts
Sugar bee

I’m not in a LDR, but my SO and I don’t know where we’ll settle down yet. The city we’re in is fine for now but we don’t want to live here long term because it’s HCOL and we’d never be able to afford buying property here. I have to be here for another couple years for school. He has a good job but is in an industry with jobs in any major city, and he isn’t passionate about what he does, so he’d be willing to find something new. Neither of us want to live in the areas where we grew up, so that’s out. I do love the city where I went to college and spent my early twenties, but who knows if it will make sense to move back there in a few years. If not, we will probably pick something based on a number of desired factors…

– Warm weather/mild winters ideally

– A good place to raise kids (good schools, lots of diversity, cultural opportunities, access to nature)

– Somewhere we can afford a modest house with a yard in a neighborhood we like, ideally in an area that is walkable 

– Proximity (a train or car trip away at least) to a major city with nightlife & a strong arts & culture scene

– Proximity to job opportunities 

– Access to nature/a beautiful area 

Luckily we’re on the same page about the ideal qualities we want in a place, but we don’t know where that place is yet. Further, I’m on a job track (academia) where I could kind of end up anywhere I was offered a job… or I might be more settled once I gradaute and I could choose to take a less perfect job in a more defined area. It IS a little bit scary to me that things are so uncertain in terms of where we’ll be in 5 or 10 years. There are a lot of ways our road could go. But I feel good about the fact that we’re in agreement on the basics of what we want, we’re both flexible and willing to compromise, and I think we’d both put being with each other over career. That’s not to say we’re not ambitious. But at the end of the day I think we both really value building a family and a life together, and where we do that is secondary. 

Post # 12
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I can definitely relate.  It wasn’t the idea of marrying my Darling Husband that scared me, it was buying a house.  I was so scared of being tied down financially like that.  My Darling Husband absolutely wanted to buy a house and eventually it almost became a bit of a deal breaker for him.  He was so sick of apartment living and d hated throwing his money away.  I love to travel and to me a house represented never having the money to do big trips again because something always goes wrong with a house.  We looked at teaching abroad for a year or even moving out of state to change things up and put the house off.  He just wasn’t ready to do those things and I realized I needed to compromise so we bought a house with the idea that in 5 years, we will either upgrade to our dream home in our current city, or we will rent out our current home and travel or move out of state for a year or two and see what happens.    I’m not exactly counting the days until we hit the 5 year mark, but it does help to know that I am not tied to this place and house forever.  I’m 4 years into marriage and I’ve already learned that marriage is forever and forever means a really long time and I don’t need to cram every single thing I want to get out of life into the next year, two years, three years.  It helps that neither of us want kids, so we literally have all the time in the world to really live out our dreams.  It doesn’t feel like settling down when you liok at it like that

Post # 13
Member
995 posts
Busy bee

Maybe you need to make sure frequent road trips/travel is a priority in your marriage before you actually get married. Planning and going on trips can be a good way to cure cabin fever while you are settled down in one house. 

Post # 14
Member
2517 posts
Sugar bee

I want to add… it sounds like you’re feeling pretty anxious about the idea of settling down with your SO as much as you love him, and worrying that you want different things. Compatibility is a huge deal, and it doesn’t have much to do with how much you like or love someone – if you fundamentally are very different people with different wants and needs you could end up unhappy with a person you love. I also notice that you posted another thread about how different your SO’s personality is from yours, and I think I remember a post where you talked about it being really difficult that you are both ambitious and neither of you wants to sacrifice your career. It sounds like you have some big things to discuss with him and work through before you get engaged and commit your life to him. Are you worried that your wants/needs are too different, and that you’ll be unhappy together or fundamentally at odds? 

Post # 15
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

My Fiance and I were long distance for a while before I decided to move back to my home town so we could be together. It did make me anxious at first. My home town was much smaller than the city I went to college in – but I knew I wanted to be with him, so I made it work.

Luckily for me, Fiance and I have very similar personalities and are not planning to stay here long or “settle down” anytime soon. We’re both very into traveling and are planning on moving to a big city next year. We’re still young and focused on being wild together, rather than settling down. I agree with PP about compatibility being important. Talk to him about what you want and make sure you’re on the same page.

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