Settling down

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
1551 posts
Bumble bee

akshali2000 :  Thankyou! It is pretty exciting, we are very lucky! Weve lived in the UK, US, Netherlands and Germany. He works in research so sometimes he gets positions for a few weeks abroad too and I was lucky to go stay with him in Australia for a month for one position (I would happily move there for a year or two!). After graduating (him PhD and me a BSc) we had to have some serious discussions about our careers. He was given an opportunity to work for 3 years with each year in a different place, it paid well and was his dream job. Meanwhile I was still hunting for work in my field and failing so I just said go for it and he took the job, I moved with him and got a job for a year in whatever I could. Ever since we kept moving and as a result my jobs have all been out of my degree field (generally childcare) and pretty low paid. It wasnt ideal for me workwise and it was a sacrifice at first but im grateful for the opportunities weve had and in a way it has been easier without me having a career. It has lead to us discussing what will happen when we have children though and we agreed that when it comes to it I will stay at home until they reach schoolage so for now our focus is all on my husbands career and we move wherever that takes us. When our children reach school age we will shift the focus onto me so that I can start building a career from the ground up. It will be hard but my mother started her career in her 40s and she taught me that its never too late so I aim to do the same! 

Post # 19
Member
1884 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

You already know about the LDR side of my relationship. When I came back to my SO’s country there was a chance his work would keep him in the capital and therefore that I’d have to move there to get married (my work would have happily had me move there). I’ve spent 6 months living in the capital  before and survived it but didn’t enjoy it. But I would have settled there of that’s what it took to be with him.

As is, his work sent him to the town we met in, where I’m still working too, and the idea of settling here is so much more appealing. We’ll hopefully build a house during or before our first year of marriage. We also want to build a house in his village (45 mins away) so we can regularly spend time there. 

But all of this settling down is in the knowledge that sooner or later we’ll want to settle in my country for at leat a few years, either if my parents need me or if we have kids and decide it’s best for their education. He doesn’t like the idea but knows the sacrifices I’ve made to be here and recognises that the day might come where he has to make similar sacrifices. How that will work for him job wise I’ve no clue but we’ll figure that out when it becomes necessary. 

Not sure if this is helpful but it’s another LDR perspective ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 21
Member
1884 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

akshali2000 :  yup as with most things communication is what is key! And there will be times when compromise is necessary but it’s important that it’s not always the same person losing out.

Post # 22
Member
14899 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I love to travel and to me a house represented never having the money to do big trips again because something always goes wrong with a house.

I think if your budget for things like travel is limited because of the amount of money spent on the house, then too much house was bought.  If a priority is to travel, make sure to account that into savings budget when figuring out how much you can/want to spend on the house.  Don’t just feed the numbers to a mortgage broker and let them tell you how much house you can afford.  Based on our numbers, the bank easily preapproved us for almost double the loan we ended up taking out. 

Post # 23
Member
539 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

pinkshoes :  I think you were quoting my post.  I definitely don’t feel like that now that we are in the house.  We have a solid budget that allows us to save for both home things and travel.  Just in my worked up mind, I kept picturing having to shell out thousands of dollars for a new roof or a new water heater or foundation repairs every time we turned around.  This anxiety was a by-product of the deeper fear of just settling down.  This fear was obviously remedied when we actually started looking at houses and found one that has a new roof and water heater and passed inspections with flying colors.  Lots of communication with Darling Husband was key to make sure both our needs were met.  We definitely found a house in the price range that would allow us to still save for the things we want in life.  Open communication is key.

Post # 24
Member
14899 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

NowMrsS :  Oh yeah.  I was just saying as a generalization I understand where you were coming from, and how a lot of people could probably get themselves into that situation, but that it doesnt have to be that way.  And to be honest, it DOES seem like something is always going wrong!  In the almost 7 years in ours house we’ve had the water heater break and leak, our well pressure tank fail, fridge broke, chimney leak, tub leak, found rotted wood we needed to replace, replaced the garage windows and all our exterior doors and more.  But we’ve also saved countless thousands doing all the work ourselves.

Post # 26
Member
4269 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Ok, I have read the majority of your posts and girl, slow your roll.  You are all caught up in all these major decisions that honestly at this point don’t matter as much as you’re thinking they do.  Right now the focus should be if your significant other is compatible with you and if you two can build a life together.  You are absolutely putting the cart in front of the horse.  I know in the past you have said that you have set a specific date for a wedding with him but from all these other posts it sounds like you aren’t necessarily as compatible as you think.  Take this post for example — you wanting to live and travel all over and him wanting to stay put.

Also, I truly do not think that this is a good idea to go straight from an LDR to engagement especially given all of your posts and all the differences that you have.  Obviously differences are fine, but having been long distance, it is much different having a conventional relationship versus a LDR.  Skype, FaceTime, whatever, just isn’t the same as living in the same area as someone and seeing them regularly.

It’s ok to slow down.  Don’t feel like you need to stick to the timeline that you had originally set.

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