Post # 1
What do you think about settling for ‘Mr Good Enough’? Lori Gottlieb is the author who writes about women who should settle for ‘Mr Good Enough’, especially when you want to have children and your biological clocks ticking. For all the women who aren’t married do you wish you stuck with a certain man from your past and gotten married? I will be 35 in December 2013 and I recently broke up with my fiance and I am coming to terms with the fact that although I look younger and act younger my eggs won’t feel the same way hahaha! I find it very upsetting, as I am finally ready to have a baby.
Post # 3
I was in your shoes. I was 35, totally single, ready to have a baby. I decided that in January 2011, I was going off the pill so I could start donor insemination in the spring of 2011. I met FI in October 2010, 3 months before my “plan” was going to be put in motion.
Yes, I’m 38 now and just starting to conceive so we’ll see what happens. BUT I am so so so soooo very happy that I waited for the right man. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me!
bottom line – just because you’re 35 doesn’t mean you still can’t find a guy and have kids.
and if you want a baby now, there’s no reason you can’t look into doing it on your own.
Post # 4
@esplanfreedom: I think that advice is stupid as one-size-fits-all advice.
You have to be passionate about your mate. Now, that doesn’t mean that the passion continues, unabated, for 50 years, it ebbs and flows. It could also mean that you are passionate about your life together, more so than about him as a person (although I think that each feeds the other.) I think that enthusiasm and passion are important in life and the person you hitch yourself to is key in making a happy, fullfilled life.
If a woman if hell bent on having children, she had better make sure that the man she chooses is an excellent father. So perhaps this “Mr Good Enough” excels as father and provider material. That’s not a bad thing. I just want to make sure that all of the women who are so gung -ho about having children are able to look 15 years into the future and picture themselves with husband who is unexciting and a houseful of demanding children. Is that what you want? Will you be able to stick it out and raise your kids in an intact home to adulthood in that scenario?
And then there is the realty that children only are around for 20 years, that’s 1/4 of our lives. You (the generic you) are going to hitch yourself to someone for the purpose of childre rearing, but what about when that is over?
You can probably tell that I’m not interested in having children so the decision of husband material was easy, it was all about me! Ironically, I did choose someone who would have been a good father. So he is a good dog-father and we have lots of pets.
Post # 5
Hmm. I have never read the book but I think the title probably sums up the gist of it… sooo… my two cents are that “settling” and “Mr. Good Enough” are an unfortunate choice of words. They are catch-phrases, intended to sell books, that put a trendy spin on a simple concept.
Some of us (raising my hand here) made poor relationship choices when we were young, and we wasted too much time on flashy guys, placing more importance on the flash (chemistry, charisma, power, money, image) than on character compatibility.
As we grow older and mature, we redefine what is sexy and endearing, and we become more attracted to the type of guy who has the more serious qualities that allow a relationship to go the distance in life. He might not have the flash that we used to be attracted to, but he has a big heart and real integrity.
I think my husband’s integrity is probably one of the sexiest things about him.
I met my DH at age 48. If I had met him at 28, I probably would have thought of him as a “Mr. Good Enough.” Integrity wasn’t even on my radar back then. My values were completely different. I placed far more importance on things that I would now consider superficial and boring. It’s all a matter of perspective.
I had to mature a bit before I was able to take a second look at someone I once would have thought of as “Mr. Good Enough,” and realize that he was pretty much my knight in shining armor, definitely “The One,” my best friend, a true gentleman and a real man. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. I feel like I won the love lottery.
Post # 6
I think there’s a line when it comes to “good enough”. No one is going to be perfect. However, the real test of if someone is really good enough is to look at their annoying little habits – and to really ask yourself if you can see yourself dealing with them in 5 years (or 30). I think that too many people settle because they’re afraid no one better will come along, or because they think they’re too old to start over, but I’m all for living my life with no regrets.
Also, I second the whole having a baby on your own. It’s your body, and it’s your life, so why not just live it?
Post # 7
I think that advice is best suited for women who have a difficult time commiting to anything. My ex boyfriend was the same way. He just never really knew about us, the same way he didn’t know about his career or pretty much anything else in his life. I sort of wonder if he ever will get married; if it does happen for him he’ll probably make her wait for 5 or 10 years. I could be wrong, but that’s the impression I have.
ETA: obviously if the dude you’re with isn’t quite right for you, and you know it, don’t hitch your star to him. But if there’s truly nothing wrong with the relationship and having a husband and family are a priority for you, then end the indecisiveness and pull the trigger.
Post # 8
I think there’s a difference between knowing you’re settling, and having realistic expectations.
It’s probably not realistic to hold out for the 6’2″, dark, handsome, funny, “perfect” guy. Maybe there’s a 5’11” blonde guy who has all the major qualities you’re looking for who is a good fit (for example). I’ve dated several guys and the best fit so far is with my SO. Is he perfect? No… but neither am I. I think it can sometimes be hard to know anything for certain, but we have similar values, morals, interests, habits.. and so on.. and I think this is a pretty good indicator of marriage success. I don’t want to be with anyone but him. I would think that there’s a red flag if you’re thinking you’re only with the guy so you can have babies or whatever. No relationship is totally perfect or fairytale like all the time, though… and I think that many girls grow up with that idea and are very disappointed when real life isn’t like that. It’s important to have standards, but not unrealistic ones.
ETA: My SO has all the major things that I want. He is good with money, he is funny and kind. We have lots of fun. I love him. Oh and he’s tall.. that’s my one physical deal breaker (other than being overweight). I am just not too attracted to short guys, but I have dated them in the past… I tried not to write people off for superficial reasons.
Post # 9
That is the dumbest thing I have heard all day. You shouldn’t settle for Mr. Good Enough because ou want to start reproducing. The kids will grow up and leave. Then you’ll be stuck with the man you settled for for the rest of your life. You should value yourself more than that. I would forgo having kids before I went and had them with the wrong guy just so I didn’t miss the boat.
Post # 10
For me it’s easy, it was either Mr. Perfect-for-me or nothing since I would much rather die alone than be married and mediocre. I can’t judge other women that do settle though because I don’t know what it would be like to want kids (I’m 33 and I never want children).
Post # 11
@housebee: +1. It’s better to be home alone, than to be home wishing you were alone 😛
To a degree, everyone “settles” but I don’t care for that word. I’d prefer commits. You could spend your life jumping from relationship to relationship, searching for something “better.” Should you settle for a guy who isn’t a good match for you just to get knocked up? Um, no. But should you commit to someone and stop wondering “what else is out there” when you have found your match? Yes.
Post # 12
I have a friend who did this. She found the perfect guy on paper. Upwardly mobile career as an accountant, rich family, responsible all around, wanted the same things as she did. But he’s BORING as all get out, not attractive or sexy and she knows it. He’s also been more than a little difficult as it’s related to parenting. She acknowledges this.
Still, he works so she can stay home with her daughters, live in a nice house in an expensive neighborhood, be a “lady who lunches”, etc. I think that’s all she’s ever really wanted, so to each their own.
I wouldn’t be able to deal with being with a man who wasn’t exactly what I want. But I also don’t have unrealistic expectations!
Post # 13
@viola47: @canarydiamond: Absolutely.
There’s a fine balance to be had here between accepting that everyone has faults and committing regardless, and just grabbing the nearest bit of 6ft sperm donor. On the one hand, you have to have realistic expectations. On the other, some people are not right for you at all and never will be.
I once saw a TV show where the guy said something like “I don’t believe in soulmates. I believe that there are people out there who are more or less suitable for you. You can rank them, with numbers. You could settle for number 13 and next week meet number 7, but…”
Relationships are a gamble. You need to know when the one you are with is “good enough”, because there’s no such thing as perfection. So before you spin that wheel, you do need to calculate the odds. But I think that can only be left to the judgement of the individual. At the end of the day, you know what you can and cannot live with.
As far as having children goes though, I second PPs. I always said that if I was single at 35 then I would adopt. in fact, the fact that FI does not want to adopt has been one of the great sadnesses of our relationship as far as I’m concerned. So I wouldn’t put off having children if you want them. Do it now, because there’s nothing less attractive to men than a desperate bunny boiler. At least if you have kids already then the pressure is off, to an extent, so you can focus on the relationship.
Post # 14
I’ve watched a friend who wants children SO badly that she married someone she convinced herself she loved just to have babies.
And now; its 5 years into their marriage, no baby and no sex AT ALL for much of their marriage. She’s now in her early 40’s and childless and with a emotionally and verbally abusive man who doesn’t want children.
When I met him I could see right through him and saw him as this awful person but she couldn’t. She’s a wonderful woman who likes to see the best in people. But is now married to an a**hole.
My advice never settle for the sake of having children. Being a mother in a semi loveless/loveless marriage does little good for childrens development.
Post # 15
I think most people settle for Mr. Good Enough. Otherwise, we’d all be waiting around for the next Brad Pitt, and nobody would be married.
Post # 16
I read the book and I think the title is unfortunate. It’s more about being realistic and open to compromise, rather than ignoring perfectly good men while waiting for Prince Charming to swoop in. This I agree with. FH isn’t exactly my type. He’s smart, certainly, but not an academic like I am, and he’s allergic to my favorite animal. But he has all the qualities I need, like kindness and determination to give us a good life.