(Closed) Severe anxiety over our intimacy issues (involves medical problem)

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
4921 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

IMO, I would just wait and not force sex to happen. If he begins to associate it with pain,.. well, I’d hate for that to become another complication. As hard as it will be to wait, I would just let it be until you know what’s going on. Also, I would check with his regular doctor about stopping those pills. Some pills you can’t stop suddenly,.. and I worry if he was taking something that played with hormones. 

As of now, there is no indication that you will not be able to concieve because of this. As hard as it is not to wonder “what if?”, reassure yourself that you are dealing with the issue, and try not to worry about what could happen. (Hard, I know)

Good luck! 

Post # 4
4272 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Awww poor guy :(. I do not have much advice to give other then maybe counseling? Also it is great you are showing him so much support even though it must be so hard on you. If it will make you feel better, I don’t see any harm in him seeing a urologist before his appointment. I have no idea what else could cause the pain besides that medication which is such a shame. He should get treatment asap.

Does it hurt him when he urinates as well or just during sex?

Post # 5
10603 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

I would wait it out.  lol Maybe that’s just the Canadian in me, but 3 weeks isn’t long to see a specialist!  He could always see a GP just to get some basic tests out of the way though, like testosterone levels or whatever they suggest.

If he is still able to enjoy recieving physical intimacy, I would just stick with that while you wait.

Post # 6
1227 posts
Bumble bee

There are other ways to be intimate and sexual without intercourse. How about oral? Have you introduced toys to your relationship? 

I would hold off on intercourse until after he’s consulted the doctor (surely having him “force” himself, especially through pain, can’t be at all satisfying for you) and find other ways to get satisfaction.  I think it’s also probably important for you to reassure him and support him, so it doesn’t impact him psychologically any more than it already does.

Post # 7
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think the love and support you show him, and the fact that he is willing to try AND very much willing to do whatever to make himself better (because truthfully, a lot of men with ED issues are so ashamed that they will not) will be the ‘hottest’ and most intimate thing you will do as a couple together.  I think if you focus on that part alone, then hopefully your anxiety will diminish and the emotional satisication/closeness you will experience will grow.  Sure, you are missing the physical element, but as another PP stated, there are toys/other stimulation avenues you can take!

As far as TTC goes, wait until you speak to a professional.  Wait until you have answers.  If there comes a point where it becomes really scary, then I am guessing there are professionals out there whom can help with that too, so that you two can conceive, maybe just not ‘conventionally’.  (NOT ideal I am sure, but plausible).  Good luck!

Post # 9
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I definitely think you should just hold off on sex until he sees a physician and instead have sexy times in other ways that isn’t painful for your partner. I have counseled men with ED, and one issue that at times comes up is feeling like they have failed their partners and aren’t “man enough” when they aren’t able to successfully have sex. I would encourage you to be supportive and aware that he may be feeling embarassed, ashamed, and may also be feeling very worried that his physical problems will lead to difficulties with conception down the road.


Post # 10
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Tough situation. I agree with other pps to wait till he sees a specialist. Is he able to masturbate? Is oral sex painful as well?

If masturbation is possible (orgasming in any form) you will be able to conceive. If he has any means to orgasm then you have lots of options in which to have sex other than traditional intercourse. Of course you can still have sex even if he can’t orgasm. Lots of men face all kinds of physical challenges that hamper traditional, penetrative intercourse but that doesn’t preclude intimacy. It would probably help him immensely if you just have whatever kind of sex you can. He can bring you to orgasm orally or manually and use a toy for penetration. You can use your hands or mouth on him up to the point of hurting him and he needs to be very open about what that limit is. He’ll gain a lot of confidence if sex becomes less about penetration. Even if he were to be in a worse case scenario of permanent impairment, there are still plenty of ways to have a great sex life. You both need to be extra good about communicating. Blindfold him so he can focus on good sensations a.d tell him to talk you through what feels good.

Children can be conceived without sex – tons of people have to use alternatives due to infertility. You’ll both be fine. People can get very imaginative when it comes to overcoming sexual obstacles. Relax and enjoy experimenting.

Post # 12
2201 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@temporary:  First, take a deep breath. Yes, looking into an uncertain future is terrifying, but low testerone and ED are fairly common issues and the treatments are readily available and effective. Also, I don’t think keeping your fears to yourself is necessarily the best idea. Maybe set aside an evening with your husband and let him know how scared you are. This is something you will have to deal with together and it will be easier to handle if you’re both open and honest and supportive. Let him know your concerns, fears, and worries, and come up with a plan together. 

For what it’s worth, my husband had a skin cancer scare less than 2 months after our wedding. He had a biopsy, removal of cells, and used a topical cream for 4 weeks. We were both freaked out, but we discussed all of our fears and anxieties about it openly and honestly. It brought us closer and helped us understand the other’s point of view. Luckily, the topical cream killed the rest of the cancer cells and he’s fine now. But it was definitely a very scary time for us. 

Good luck to you and your husband. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this issue. 

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