(Closed) Severely need Advice…call off my wedding??

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
2776 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Yes I agree go to counseling.  And after that decide on postponing or not.  I had a lot of issues from past relationships I had to work through and so I went to counseling early on in our relationship because these issues were affecting it.  I had actually been in counseling before meeting him as well.  After I worked through my issues there I knew that I had moved past or learned to deal with my problems from my previous relationships so I was able to walk into ours with a clean slate sort of deal.

I actually struggled with the idea of marriage for a while even recently, but after all the discussions and all the things we’ve been through, we both decided that the time was right.  I know in my gut that is right.

Your gut is telling you it might not be, so I say go to counseling and resolve the issues and after that you will know if your gut was having a reaction due to his or your past, or if your guy is just not what your looking for.

 

Post # 33
Member
11268 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

if you are having the slightest bit of doubt, i would put the wedding on hold. 

go see a therapist alone or together. 

Post # 34
Member
1746 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Hmm…I am obviously assuming things that maybe should not be assumed but it seems like the revelation was sexuality related, whether it be something about bisexuality or maybe some kind of percieved (or real) perversion. 

The consequences and severity of those options run the spectrum of social mores. If your gut is telling you that you can’t accept your FI’s past, than it would be a disservice to both of you for this to continue on. You may lose trust, faith, etc. in this man, which leaves you destined to fail.

However, if it’s something like my hunch after I read this (bi-sexuality) you should know that there are many successful marriages where one partner is bisexual. Obviously, if that’s a deal breaker for you, it just is.

Either way, like other bees said, there should be a deep conversation (or ten) about this before you commit your lives to eachother.

Not coming from a judging place at all with this post. Just observing.

Post # 35
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@LuckyJuls:  Where did the bi-sexual thing come from?

Post # 36
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@MrsPom:  The OP said that she discovered some things about her FI’s past and that it was about “experimenting” but she didn’t elaborate and doesn’t want to. 

I can only assume that she was referring to bi-sexuality as @LuckyJuls: has assumed also. 

Post # 37
Member
1746 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@MrsPom:  I don’t know. Like I said, its sort of a hunch, being that if his “experimenting” was disturbing in a way that was harmful to others in a real way, she would have definitely been out the door. So experimenting to me immediately sounded like experimenting with his sexuality, which, if you are pretty traditional/religious, might be considered disturbing. 

Again, I’m not saying it’s disturbing to be bisexual. Just trying to go beyond the common, “go with your gut” response here, as sometimes approaching the situation with openness and understanding (if it merits it-not if anyone was harmed in his past relationships) is better than leaving in certain cases, especially if you are in love and want to spend forever together.

Post # 38
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@LuckyJuls:  I agree with this but I also think that sometimes we don’t even ask ourselves the question “would I be alright with it if my Fiance was bi?”. I mean, to me it doesn’t matter because it’s no different from him choosing me out of all the girls, this way he chose me out of all the girls AND the guys. It’s not as if he will need a guy on the side or anything silly. He will still be monogamous. 

But, because not everyone has thought about the issue like I have taken the time to do, it can be very confronting for them. This is why I suggest that she speak to a professional about it so that they can help her wade through her thoughts and feelings on the issue. This will help her to decide if it is a deal breaker for her or not. 

OP you mentioned your faith quite a bit and if @LuckyJuls: and I are correct and we are talking about bi-sexuality, something which your faith may frown upon (I’m just assuming this, please do not take offense if I am wrong, just trying to help), then remember that this is in the past. Just like any other mistakes you have both made, it is not something he is continuing to practice. If this is what is bothering you remember that you must forgive past transgressions.

  

Post # 39
Member
1746 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Everdeen:  Oh I totally agree with everything you said. I It will definitely require some form of counseling. 

I just feel like if we are correct, it is a relationship that is salvagable with lots of hard work.

Post # 40
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@LuckyJuls:  I completely agree with you, especially given that they have been through so much together and he sounds like a great guy. OP I really think you can make this work! 🙂

Post # 41
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@RBailey:  I’ve been feeling a lot like this for the past few months.  AND we’ve been going to a counselor.  The whole time I’ve been like you–so sure that PG is the right one, but just terrified it might end up being wrong at the same time.  I’ve been thinking over and over, “this is my LIFE, not just my relationship.”  And that has made me second, third, fourth and fifth guess myself about this wedding and marriage.  I’ve thought about what it might be like to be with someone younger, or fitter, or with a different occupation, as if I could imagine a better life for myself.  But my fantasies don’t measure up to what I have with PG. 

I had a breakthrough last week, and I feel like I’ve gotten back my certainty.  I realized that all my doubts were self-imposed, and that those doubts have been a barrier to real intimacy with PG.  And because there has been a barrier, I have felt more and more distant from him, which only made things worse.  After I realized that, it was like I set my relationship free from those doubts and I felt closer to him almost immediately. The past week has been wonderful with PG, and I feel all the love and confidence in us that I always felt before.

The thing is, you are right.  Life is short.  I think it’s our default to immediately say that life is too short, so the answer is to abandon what we are doing.  But what if life being too short is a call to stay the course?  What is it that’s waiting for you when you run out on your engagement? Is there really anything, or are you just feeling restless and unsure and scared because getting married is scary? Maybe you should think about whether life is too short not to marry the person you know you were meant to marry. That kind of relationship doesn’t come along very often.  It took me 30 years to find PG, and I don’t expect that will happen again.

Getting married is a very big deal. It will change your life in fundamental ways.  It’s letting go of all the other possibilities, like other men and absolute unattached freedom.  That’s a big deal.  But marriage offers your life things you can’t have without being married.

After all you’ve been through, I definitely think you have to earn your way out of this relationship (yes, that’s a Dr. Phil thing) if you are going to end it.  Going to counseling is a must, because if you break up without going, you will certainly regret it forever.  YOou both deserve to make that decision with clear heads and full consideration. 

Post # 42
Member
2050 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@RBailey:  I think you should go to counseling. You write, “…But the counselor will tell me I need to do what’s right.” Maybe so, but the counselor, if you’ve a good one, will ask the right questions to help you get there, and not just walk you into a wall. Try not to assume what the counselor will do or not do but rather, go with an open heart and mind to learn, wherever that may lead. Best of luck to you!

Post # 44
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

@PGsHotBrid:

Wow, I have to say, that was a pretty awesome response you wrote. I cancelled my wedding a year ago. I was terrified to marry him (there were reasons, but I’m not sure they were the real reason), and everyone told me that if you have doubts, don’t do it!!!! I still doubt whether I did the right thing now though. 

I think the amount of fear, doubt, and anxiety many people suffer before their wedding does not get talked about nearly enough. Also, there are people I’m sure who skipped happily into a marriage whose relationships also fell apart afterwards. Anxiety and fear does not necessarily mean it is “not meant to be.” I think that OP, you are doing the right things. Pray, listen to your heart, and have hope 🙂 I’m glad to hear that you are feeling refreshed and renewed.

Love to you, and I’ll pray for you too.

Post # 45
Member
1435 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Yeah, you got some good advice. I can only add that God gave us emotions as signals that something needs to happen. That doesn’t necessarily mean we have to do a 180 in our situations. It just means that we have to take stock and figure out where the feelings are coming from and what they mean. After we do that, we can act. I know this is a simplistic example, but it’s like when a baby cries. We do not automatically assume the baby needs to eat or a diaper change. We investigate and discover the baby’s need, and then we provide it. Do the same with your feelings.

PG’sbride said some awesome things to you, so reread that. You should pray for God’s will in your life, no matter what that will is. 

Lastly, if your fiance is bisexual or has experimented with it, you’re lucky he told you. Some people are not that honest about themselves, due to the emotional intimacy PG’sbride talked about. He made himself vulnerable to you to tell you the truth about himself and you loved him through it. I don’t quite understand turning your back on him now.

Remember, too, marriage is about loving someone through everything. You have given this man that kind of love thus far, so continue to do that. Of course I don’t advise you to love him through situations that are threatening to you or others, but you know what I mean. Your test of your own vows of forever are right now, so take this very seriously. 

However, if you think his experimenting is unresolved and could happen again, then that’s infedelity, and a different story.

Post # 46
Member
1435 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

double post

The topic ‘Severely need Advice…call off my wedding??’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors