(Closed) Severely need Advice…call off my wedding??

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Bee
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

Talking about feelings of shame or shameful things/memories tends to make those things lose power. That is probably why you are feeling so refreshed! Sharing our shame gives us strength to be resilient. I do think you could benefit from seeing a counselor and talking about your issues with your Fiance, even if you are seeing a therapist in private. That may be the best way for you to air some of the issues that are obviously causing you shame and discomfort.

Also, I HIGHLY recommend the book “I Thought It Was Just Me (But it Wasn’t)” by Brene Brown. It addresses this exact topic. 🙂

Post # 48
Member
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I don’t think a counselor would tell you to end it because he has experimented (two things come to mind: drugs and bi-sexuality, but neither one is the end of the world). I think you should go talk to someone together, and postpone. Don’t cancel it yet, because it seems like you don’t want to. It sounds like you two have been through a lot together and have worked together to get through. I don’t see this as signs you shouldn’t be together necessarily. I see it more as you’ve proven to yourselves and each other that you can weather the storms together.

But don’t rush into things if you’re having doubts. Again, postpone and counseling seem to be the best routes for you at this time (in my opinion).

EDIT: Just read your update. I’m very happy for you! It’ll probably still be a bumpy road, but it sounds like you’ve got some clarity and are riding this storm out. Best of luc, and keep us posted! 🙂

Post # 49
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@RBailey:  I am so glad that you are feeling better, spoke to your sister and taking steps to talk to someone else as well. 

I agree with what @Mrs. Cherry Pie:  said about brining “shameful” things into the light and then feeling better. 

Please keep us posted and I sincerely hope that this is just the start of everything improving.

Post # 50
Member
922 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My Fiance is bisexual, and has had full sexual and emotional relationships with men.   Unless your Fiance is saying that he wants to carry on ‘experimenting’ now, and after you are married, you are overreacting.

If you are so disturbed by his past, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with him full stop.   

Outsiders have tried to make my Fiance being bisexual more of a problem than I have ever felt it to be…I’ve found it amazing how far so called ‘friends’ and even complete strangers feel they can interfere and comment on your life, without you having asked for it…

Having a relationship with a bisexual man hasn’t always been the easiest experience… but as Tickles said, he’s picked me out of all the women and men. 

Post # 51
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@RBailey:  I am so glad to hear that you are feeling better.  That sudden, lighter feeling is such a relief! I am happy to help you in any way I can.  It helps me to talk about it, too.  I agree with fullyalive and some other pps that we don’t talk about these feelings openly enough in our society.  All of these feelings must be more common than we can imagine.  The phrase “cold feet” hardly captures their breadth.

I hope that you work everything out and are happily married.  But if that isn’t the way it happens, everything will be fine. Whatever happens will be based on a conscious decision you’e made from a thoughtful place, rather than a reactionary one. It will be a decision you truly feel is the right one.

Please keep updating us so we know how you are.  I am sending you all good thoughts and hope.

Post # 53
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@RBailey:  What a difficult situation… I’m sending you my best and I hope everything works out (whichever way it goes).  Take care, and please give us updates when you can.

Post # 55
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Hi.  🙂  I’m glad you’re seeking professional help.  It sounds like your fiance could benefit, too.  Are you planning to take him with you or is he seeking premarital counseling on his own?

As for his bi-sexual tendencies not going away… so?  I’m sure he won’t stop liking women once he gets married, either, but he’s committed to YOU.  I know my husband still loves women but he’s chosen one so he won’t pursue relationships of any sort with anyone other than me.  If your fiance has told you about his past, he trusts you a lot.  It seems like with the help of the right therapist you could work through a lot together. 

Best of luck to you whatever you choose.  You’re right to evaluate your relationship before you get married, and I hope you’re able to make peace with whatever decision you make. 

Post # 56
Member
900 posts
Busy bee

This must be so hard for you. It does sound like you know in your heart that you shouldn’t proceed. Wishing you all the best.

 

Post # 57
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Hi.  I am sorry you are dealing with these issues so close to the wedding. 

II married my now Darling Husband after also battling through my own fears and doubts. In my heart and mind, I know he’s the best match for me. 

I am concerned with the counselor you met with. Often it’s best to work with an impartial professional who doesn’t know the players involved personally. I honestly feel that the info your counselor shared with you about your Fiance was unprofessional,inappropriate and damaging to your current situation. I hope you seek truly impartial help in sorting through your troubles. 

Post # 58
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Listen, you need to do what feels right in your heart. If you talked to God about it and he’s telling you to wait then what other sign do you need? When you have a problem and need advise you should always go to God, and you did that and he’s telling you to wait. Please listen to your gut feeling, don’t make this mistake. You’ll be so much happier either waiting or with someone else. You should not be feeling this way about planning you’re wedding, you feel like this because it’s not right. And please don’t forget that marriage is an oath under God himself to be with this man until God doth you apart. This is serious and you really need to be sure.

Post # 59
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I agree with what @almostmrsj:  has said. So what if he always finds men attractive? I find other women sexually attractive BUT I could never have an actual relationship with a woman (women are crazy! haha). Just like you won’t stop finding other men attractive he won’t stop finding other people (men and women) attractive. 

This does not mean that he would ever act on these feelings, just as you would never kiss/sleep with another man. 

The rest I can’t comment on except to say that we all have our faults and the stubbornness issue does not scream out to me as something terrible. 

I do think it is a good idea for him to go to the counsellor himself though. 

*hugs* I am keeping you in my thoughts. I really hope that this goes well. 

Post # 61
Member
337 posts
Helper bee

Oh my goodness. I was just skimming through, and I’m so sorry to see what you have gone through. But if this is what God wants you to do then this will be the best for you in the end, and that’s comforting even though I can’t imagine the pain that you’re in right now. Praying for you and sening good thoughts your way, I can’t imagine how tough that is, but it’s much better to figure this out now then after the wedding. I am so sorry, I’ve never been in your position and have no idea how you are feeling but I only pray that it gets better from here. 

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