(Closed) Sex Drive After Baby

posted 4 years ago in Babies
Post # 2
2815 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You sound like me. Like, I could have made this post back when I had my Dirty Delete.

Both birth control and breastfeeding can be a huge problem when it comes to sex drive. I know for me, both cause my already limited drive to plummet even further. Is it possible you can look for a non-hormonal option like a copper IUD? That helped me a lot.

I also can relate completely on how any affection = “OMG HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX” and makes me not want to persue either. Talk to your Darling Husband about that. Let him know that you want some time where you guys JUST cuddle or snuggle without the pressure of it turning to sex.

Finally, I would really recommend just having sex. Just do it. You might not feel like it, but for me at least, once I started making myself do it, even when I didn’t feel like it, my sex drive came back to a pretty acceptable level for our relationship (a few times a week). Try to find things that *do* arouse you and start utilizing them. For me, I like pornography, and a subscription to the Playboy network really got Darling Husband and I DTD on a regular basis.

Good luck! I know how frustrating and sad this can be, and how guilty you might feel. It’s totally normal, but can be improved upon!


Post # 3
9199 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I don’t have a baby but I will offer up a couple things anyway:  

Women generally get aroused mentally, so have you tried reading any erotica or something before hand?  It sounds kinda lame, but there are a bunch of free or 99 cent erotica books for the kindle.  Sometimes I read a bit of one of those on my phone to get in the mood.  *embarassed face* Hey whatever works… and it definitely works…

Second, I agree with urchin that you should just do it anyway sometimes.  Just because you’re not turned on doesn’t mean you will “lay there bored wondering when it will end”… I would hope not at least!  My husband has a higher sex drive than me and sometimes we just do it for him, but I’m still happy to have that physical and emotional connection.  As long as your guy knows you’re not looking to O per se but still will enjoy spending a bit of sexy time with him, neither of you should feel weird or awkward or pressure about it.  I think this would be way better than just never having sex, cause that’ll kill your connection and marriage pretty quickly.

Good luck

Post # 4
525 posts
Busy bee

Is there any way to get a babysitter for a night? Have fun planning something? Make it a project for you to go all out that night? Menu, outfit, etc? I know as a new mom you’re already exhausted and my idea sounds like work but take advantage of your in-laws, friend, whatever, for one night?

Post # 5
1232 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

urchin:  “I also can relate completely on how any affection = “OMG HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX” and makes me not want to persue either. Talk to your Darling Husband about that. Let him know that you want some time where you guys JUST cuddle or snuggle without the pressure of it turning to sex.”

+1! This is not unique to post-baby life, as I’m still childless but can totally relate — there are a lot of times when two people are not on the same page about sex drive or timing. But if you start to feel pressured by any physical affection because you think he’s expecting sex, or that you’re “rejecting” him if you’re not in the mood, it saps any remaining intimacy reeeeally quickly.

Just talk to him about it. Tell him that consciously or not, you’re beginning to feel like any physical affection comes with the expectation of sex, which is accidentally putting a lot of pressure on you right now, and that you want to encourage more affection that is not necessarily a part of foreplay. (Bonus, the more of that kind of “just because” affection you show each other, the more likely you are to want sex anyway!)

Post # 7
4415 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

megz06:  I’m not a mom either, but I agree with some intimate time that doesn’t lead to sex at first. Cuddling, kissing, massages, etc. Just the two of you spending true quality time alone, enjoying each other’s company. I know that there are times when if we go a longer period of time without having sex (like currently because we’ve both been sick over a week) then it sometimes takes a bit longer for me to actually get in the mood. When we are in our normal pattern (a 3-4 times/week) it is much easier to actually want sex. It’s a weird thing. 

Post # 8
578 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I agree that you should try to cultivate desire by focusing on intimacy without sex. Take sex completely off the table for a week or two, meaning you will kiss, cuddle, make out, hump, whatever, but intercourse is off-limits. Even if you feel like you want to have sex, don’t. My husband and I do this from time to time (especially after we had our baby) it really builds up our intimacy and desire for sex. It’s a good way to “reset” our sex life when our libido is low, and it’s a good way to get rid of that “affection=sex” association that can make you feel taken for granted. It also reminds us of the beginning of our relationship, because we held out for awhile before we started having sex. It lets us relive those feelings of anticipation and passion.

Post # 9
1151 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

megz06:  I know this is old but it came up in related topics when i was posting on something else…

How are things going for you two? We have the exact opposite problem in our house, my sex drive is way high after having baby and Darling Husband doesn’t want to touch me with a 10 foot pole. He’s just not into it, ever. I was hoping that after my Darling Husband dropped a few pounds that his drive would come back (he lost 40 lbs after i had the baby) but he still doesn’t have a sex drive. Most nights I go to sleep when the baby does and a lot of the times end up sleeping in her room because she is a sucky sleeper. So our physical contact is almost zero. I tried to “compromise” and settle on sex 1/week but even that doesn’t happen. In the last 5 months we’ve had sex 8 times (so we aren’t doing very good with my weekly goal) but i don’t know what else to really do at this point. 

Post # 11
1151 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

megz06:  Thats awful about the pill but I’m glad you’ve got that all worked out. I feel like he probably has low testerone but that he’s also gotten into the habit of just not having sex. I *think* if we did the 30 day sex challenge that it would probably break our rut. If it really started to become a problem for our marriage I’m sure I could convince him to talk to a doctor/therapist but for now its almost kinda become a game to me. I don’t know if that’s the right way to look at it but it makes me feel better about all of it and we kinda have a running joke about it. Like every time i do something extra nice or find something he lost i say “ooh now you owe me sex; i get to cash in this week” he goes along with it. And its totally not a performance issue, everything is in good working order when we DTD so I kinda feel like he’s just in a rut. Which is funny because he said we can start TTC for baby #2 anytime. Say what?

Post # 12
1080 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

megz06:  honestly I felt STUPID horny during most of my pregnancy. Like I just craved it. I wanted it all the time. Until of course I got to big that everything hurt lol. I do EBF (not sure if sex drives are typically different between EBF and non) but, I honestly don’t find myself in the mood much at all anymore. I don’t know if it’s bc I’m always tired, busy, or just not in the mood. Dirty Delete is 8 months old. Fi has made comments here and there but nothing he’s terribly upset about. We def don’t do it once a week. A few times we’ve done it a couple times a week but nothing like we used to. We are happy and not sexually frustrated so that’s nice. I’m sure he’s jacking it to porn but as a FTM and working full time I don’t care bc sleep sounds better to me lol. 

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