Post # 1
I was always taught that sex was wrong outside the context of legal marriage. My fiance and I do have sex. I struggle with the belief that sex between a couple engaged to be married is wrong. We love each other and have committed to spending the rest of our lives together. I would love some thoughts and opinions. Are we completely wrong? Should we abstain until the wedding? Will a lot change from being engaged to married?
Post # 3
I think the point of waiting untill marriage for sex is that it’s sacred and you’re saving it for the one person you’ll be with forever. So since you’re already engaged and have made that commitment, it’s not so bad.
Post # 4
ditto, i was supposed to wait until marriage, save myself for my one and only husband, but we didn’t wait. He too was a virgen, and we’re engaged, so in the end, we are getting married with our only partners, and truly, I’m ok with that. 🙂
Post # 5
Neither of us are super religious but I’m still really happy that we were each other’s first and only.
Post # 6
I’m inclined to agree with @christinenadine, but I think it’s more about what YOU believe. You say you were taught that sex outside of legal marriage is wrong, but is that what you truly believe? If so, then I think that it is in your personal best interest to abstain from now on until marriage. However, if you believe that as you and your partner are fully committed to each other it is okay to be having sexual relations, then I would say continue on as you were. It really depends on what YOUR comfort level is.
Basically, you need to do a really thorough self-evaluation of what you believe and why. Don’t be afraid to ask your fiance what he thinks, as well, but remember that if one of you believes that it is wrong to be having intercourse while engaged to be married, then you need to seriously consider stopping, for the sake of your relationship. It’s hard to be married to someone and love them fully if you don’t love yourself because you feel you made a “mistake”.
Full disclosure: I’m an atheist and don’t personally believe that saving oneself for marriage — or even for a committed relationship — is necessary but I DO believe that sex has to feel right for both parties involved. If YOU are not comfortable with this situation as it stands, then YOU need to reevaluate your views and decide if YOU want to proceed or abstain.
Post # 7
i’m working under the assumption that you’re Christian, seeing this is where the post was written, so to answer your question, technically, under the Christian faith, sex outside of marriage, even in engagement, is wrong.
yes, you are committed to one another and will be getting married, but you’re not married yet so you should be abstaining, as that is what is written in the bible in several places. plain and simple.
however, ultimately the decision is up to you on whether or not you should abstain. if you feel comfortable continuing to have sex, then that is your decision. if you’re not, then perhaps you should stop. but only you can make this decision. you can’t always look towards others for some justification for your actions.
Post # 8
I just wanted to weigh in on this topic. I’m christian and I stick to the following what the bible says but in the instance of having sex before marriage I have kind of already blown that one a long time ago. I was young and stupid and of course thought that “he loved me” and we were going to be together forever so I lost my virginity at fifteen years old. Just because you have sex before your married doesn’t mean you will go to hell or your condemned. My advice is if you are really worried about it then go to church or pray about it and ask for forgiveness. God forgives anyone who is willing to ask for forgiveness. I’m not going to preach to you or tell you how to live your life but please don’t think that just because you and your fiance have sex and are not married yet that you are going to hell. It’s absolutely not true.
Post # 9
@Kimmie4632: Any fundamentalist Christian will tell you that yes, of course it is “wrong,” because you are not married, therefore it is premarital sex. I’m sure you know that. I’m sure you also know that pretty much the rest of the world will tell you, of course it’s not only okay, but advisable, so you will know you and your partner are sexually compatible, among other reasons.
I’m glad you bring this topic up however. I used to go to a church that was very fundamentalistic, and the sexual purity thing was beaten into my head pretty harshly. Then one of the leaders of my church dated me and had sex with me. I was dumbfounded. Did everyone just go around preaching this stuff, but not actually follow it?
Long story short, my spiritual journey has taken many different turns, partly as a result of that experience with a very conservative church scene, and I ended up feeling that such a particular brand of faith was not right for me. I very much still consider myself a Christian, but I honestly have yet to find a church I can feel comfortable with or group of like-minded believers that actually seem to practice what they preach and well, keep it real.
I am still torn on the subject of “purity,” and as such have not made the decision to abstain as I am still not sure if that is right for me. Who knows where God might take me though..my feelings may change (still have 14 months til the wedding). I second the idea of just praying and trying to figure it out between you and the One you believe in.
Post # 10
@tea: I fully agree.
One thing alot of people have to remember is that being engaged doesn’t mean that you are married. Not every engaged couple actually takes that next step of marriage, so would you feel guilty if in the end it doesn’t work out with you and your FI?
(Not saying it will, just trying to make you think!)
Post # 11
If you are a Christian going by what the Bible says, it is most certainly wrong engaged or not.
Post # 12
we just got back from our engaged encounter weekend and FH said “now i feel guilty for putting it in you” so i think we’ll be abstaining! they were making some analogies to drinking poison or something – i was sick so i don’t really remember! we’ve only been with each other and we don’t even live in the same state, so honestly, i wasn’t too concerned if we abstained or not.
it depends on what kind of christian you are, i think. i’m catholic and for us, marriage is a bond we make with each other and God. So before marriage, you haven’t made that unbreakable, sacramental bond so you shouldn’t be sexxin’ it up. obv we didn’t stick to that ourselves, but i’m not of the opinion we’re going to rot in hell for it.
Post # 13
My belief is that sex is meant to be between you and the person you love. Simple as that. And I love my fiance. I loved him before he was my fiance. I don’t feel like a single thing we are doing is wrong. It is all done purely out of love for eachother.
Post # 14
re: abstaining after you’ve started
We had some very well respected (and Christian) sex therapists “teach” the sex portion of our pre-marital class and I almost fell out of my chair when they said that those that are engaging in per-marital sex should NOT stop. Apparently, abstaining after you’ve started can create bad patterns down the road (since the sexual bond is intrinsic to human nature) and stopping would be unnatural to what you’ve already started.
Their advise was: if you haven’t started, wait. If you haven’t waited, don’t stop.
Post # 15
I’m like Ms. Hedgehog. Fiance and I are each other’s only partners. I feel that sex should be reserved for someone you truly, deeply love and intend to spend the rest of your life together. Some people make that commitment to one another and never, ever get married, others rush a marriage just to be ‘within the rules.’ I say think about what you feel, what you believe, pray about it, and decide what is best for you two as a couple.
Post # 16
Sex outside of marriage does fall under fornication, which does make it scripturally and biblically wrong (1 Thess 4:3). I can say that stopping and abstaining until your i do’s will only strengthen your relationship with God and your FH if you truly submit & consecrate that part of you/him to God. He is SO faithful to help you stay pure and will completely redeem that part of you for your FH!
There were a few different reasons my Darling Husband and I stopped (yes stopped) having sex until we were married…
1. As part of our pre-marital counseling it was stated by our pastor that no matter what had done up until that point we needed to then agree to stay pure until the wedding (I’m real big on NOT lying so I really couldn’t be okay with doing it after that)
2. We’re incredibly involved in our Church and we just couldn’t imagine what kind of effect would come to youth we know and others coming to know Christ if I became pregnant….. We’re constantly being watched and I would’ve be devestated to have a negative effect on someone elses walk
3. We knew that God had so much more for us & with the lust issues both my Darling Husband and I had in the past we knew we wanted those generational curses BROKEN so our children wouldn’t have to experience/struggle with them!
I can say that since our Big Day… and even the first night of our honeymoon my Darling Husband and I couldn’t agree more that giving that BACK to God until the I Do’s was the best things we could’ve done for our marriage.
It was so much better than going from being with each other intimately to being with each other intimately with a “title”
And now it’s awesome to know and be able to feel whole heartendly that being intimate includes God and He finds it pleasing… No more guilt, or questioning, or any of the other negative components that show themselves with sex outside of marriage.
Stopping and giving that back to God is the BEST thing to do and IS possible 😉