(Closed) sex for the 1st time

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I don’t think that’s anything to be embarrassed about, it’s a really honourable thing to do. You should be proud of yourself!

That being said, why don’t you guys start slow? Get used to kissing and doing err.. other stuff, and don’t rush it. I think the fact that you’re ‘trying’ so hard is what’s probably just making you a little tense, and the more you try the harder it’ll get (like women who can’t orgasm because all they focus on is trying to have an orgasm – doesn’t work that way!)

Does that make sense? Good luck and congrats on your marriage!!

Post # 3
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Hi! ๐Ÿ™‚

You shouldnt feel like a ‘freak’ or a ‘loser’ for waiting for marriage to lose your virginity. You should feel proud to stick with what you believe ๐Ÿ™‚ congratulations!

Regarding first time sex, it doesn’t really matter what age as long as it is with the right person. Let me explain that: it is great to feel connected and loved with the other person and lose your inhibitions. Don’t think about your body issues, he married you, he loves you.

So relax! Take it slow. Tell him what you’re feeling. Maybe you guys need more preliminars, kiss and hug, feel the sexy heat ๐Ÿ˜‰

Post # 4
2627 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Hogarths, Solihull

32virgin:  Nothing to be embarrassed about! <3

Congratulations on your marriage – I can imagine this is a tough time for you both.

celticbride2017:  has some fantastic advice, but I also want to know…

Have you ever orgasmed? Like… do you ever pleasure yourself? 

I ask because I think it’s really important for you to know your own body and what you enjoy so that you can instruct Darling Husband how to pleasure you.

It definitely sounds like Darling Husband could be doing more to get you ‘in the mood’ though – if he can get you wet before you start, you’ll find it far more comfortable. Make sure to use condoms at first too – they make it a little easier.

Good luck! ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 5
2064 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

This isn’t anything to be embarrassed about at all. What I’m about to say might be too graphic for you and for that I apologise but you’re obviously quite upset and so I’m going to be blunt in the hopes of helping you quicker.

When you’ve attempted sex, have you been turned on? Lube can only do so much. Get your husband to focus on foreplay, he knows what he likes but you both need to learn what you like. Be vocal about when it feels good and when it doesn’t. Once you’re turned on, you’ll naturally lubricate and then you can use extra lubricant. It might still hurt but (and I know it’s easier said than done) relax. If it hurts, ask him to stop you can finish him with your hands or mouth. Or even if you’re unsure of your skills in that area, ask him to finish himself and you watch. If you’ve never masturbated before, it might be fun if you find what you like. You could also try it where you both masturbate next to each other while you get more comfortable with each other. When my friend list her virginity it took several attempts. She said she would be really turned on and use loads of live but it still hurt. She basically just had to build up to it. Trying a little bit, then stopping until a few days later and going a little bit deeper or longer.

When you’re ready to try sex again, you might want to try different positions. I know that’s quite scary but it doesn’t have to be. You could try missionary but putting a few cushions underneath your bum to life your pelvis a bit. It might take a bit shuffling and adding or subtracting cushions but the angle of entry might not be so severe then. A spooning position might also work for you, it’s a lot slower and he won’t be able to go as deep. It might not work for him but you both need something out of this.

Sometimes it will still hurt when you’ve been having sex for years (not all the time but occasionally), sometimes it will start to hurt before he’s finished. If it hurts or you’re uncomfortable ask him to stop. You can always ask him to finish himself. But always stop. It’ll just take you a while to find your rhythm. Good luck. 

Post # 6
3440 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Ok, this is nothing to be embarrassed about! I can’t believe people would seriously make fun of you. I may not share your values, but I think it is so so admirable that you stuck to your beliefs all this time.

Did you know that vaginismus is more common in women who wait to have sex? It’s psychological. You’ve spent so long waiting and denying sex that the mentality takes hold physically. Do not be afraid to seek a therapist’s support for this. They’ll help you and your husband so much.

Now you’re saying you’ve only had sex three times. That’s nothing! I have been sexually active for years, and it’s definitely hurt more than 3 times. Basically if you’re not into it and excited, your vagina stays shut. It responds to being turned on by stretching out a little and lubricating itself.

Here’s what I imagine happened: After waiting so long, you were very anxious about sex. When that first time went badly you were even more nervous about the second, then even more nervous the third.

I’m curious if you’ve ever watched porn, or how familiar you are with sex. It seems like you aren’t very comfortable taking about it. Is that right? Because I think you need to become more comfortable with the concept of sex. Do you talk to your Darling Husband about it? 

Keep trying, girl. Use loads of lube. And you need to relax. Don’t force anything. If you’re not excited, it’s not going to work. And even if it goes in, then it won’t feel good. Is he fingering you? Because he definitely needs to.

If there’s anything you’re nervous about posting, just PM me and I’m happy to try to help. Good luck. And do not be afraid to seek professional help. Even though it’ll be uncomfortable, it may be necessary for your marriage.

Post # 7
703 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

There’s nothing to be embarrassed about and I can guarantee that you’re not the only person the world going through this situation. 

My only advice for you would be to just relax and let it happen. Dont overthink it. Youve only had sex 3 times. The more you do it, the more comfortable you’ll feel. Definitely talk with your husband about this if you’re able to. Use lube and a lot of foreplay to get you ready. Deep breaths and enjoy. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 9
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

32virgin:  Hi, congratulations on your wedding and I’m sorry that you are having a hard time at the moment. 

Sometimes, sex is painful but it is bearable and pleasurable. That being said, I think your problems probably go deeper than this. Have you tried pleasuring yourself, starting with clitoral then your fingers inside your vagina, moving towards a small toy to a vibrator or dildo.

 it may be worthwhile getting some counselling for your anxiety and to bring you closer as a couple (to enjoy initimacy) I think that I would say when you and your husband are initimate, you don’t have to aim for penetration, you could enjoy kissing and touching each other and slowly build up your confidence and trust. I think trust has a lot to do with this issue as you have no point of reference to go by. Good Luck

Post # 10
242 posts
Helper bee

Society has made sex conversations embarrassing no matter what stage of life you are in.

Being turned on and wet can do wonders for pain/no pain.

I talked to my docter becuase sex started to REALLY hurt, it would make me want to cry. He said that lubrication is key so we focused more on forplay and used vibrators just to get the juices flowing. We also found out that I had a yeast infection that can make sex hurt a lot. Once that was taken care of it went back to normal- which is no pain.

Also, someone mentioned condoms can make it better – not true for everyone. Condoms hurt me like no ones business. They would hurt me no matter how wet I was. Even the non-latex ones bothered me. We tried every brand we could find and they all hurt me to the point of tears.

If you are having sex, you need to feel comfortable talking about it with the person you are doing it with. Your husband doesn’t want to hurt you. My Fiance would get VERY upset that I was hurting and not telling him. I would hope that your husband would want you to gain just as much pleasure from sex as he does. Start slow by just telling him what feels good and what doesn’t. Go slow. Go slow. Go slow.

Post # 11
2064 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

32virgin:  your vagina is a muscle and you’re giving it a workout. Now like any workout, it’ll hurt for the first few times. There isn’t a normal with regards how long it will hurt for. As you exercise it more it should hurt less but you can still push yourself too far/be sore despite having exercised it.

I think you need to talk to your husband 1) because he needs to know to keep taking it slow 2) he needs to be looking into ways for it to hurt less for you and 3) if you can be open and honest with your husband about sex, even if it isn’t going to plan you can keep that connection. You can ask him to tone it down or even explain things. If you’re still feeling anxious and it’s hurting after multiple times, try to see a therapist. 

lovelyruby:  made the point that you don’t seem familiar with sex, which is OK but I think some of your anxiety will alleviate if you’re a bit more familiar. Maybe look into some female friendly porn (don’t ask your husband for suggestions because that will likely be too extreme for you at the minute). You could also try reading a book with a sex scene or two in it? I’m not saying 50 shades of grey but a softer one with some story behind it? How do you think you can get more comfortable with sex? 

Post # 12
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

32virgin:  Honestly, I don’t believe there should be any pain, ever (unless you’re into that sort of thing, but that’s for another post!).  Even your hymen breaking is mostly not even a thing anymore – most girls/women have had theirs broken before they ever have sex. 

You should be very aroused/wet before he tries penetration.  Then you shouldn’t have any trouble.

Here’s the question though – do you WANT to be having sex?  I agree with pp that it’s probably 100% psychological at this point.  If you’ve spent 3 decades believing that sex was bad, your mind can’t automatically switch over.  Are you having fun while doing it?  Or is it a source of stress?  

I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 24.  I was convinced I would wait until marriage, but I was in love and wanted sex, so I just did it LOL.  So I sort of get where you’re coming from, but sex was never scary, it was something I REALLY wanted.

Post # 13
3048 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I was a virgin with my Fiance. Sex also didn’t go so easy for me as others. It took awhile to get comfortable with it and figure out what gave me the most pleasure. It was very painful not just the first few times but for the first couple of months. I don’t personally feel a lot with sex even still unless toys are included. Certain positions also work better for me than others. Certain positions give me a lot of pain unless I have something to buffer it with. Everyone is different.

Lube is very important. However, so is foreplay. So, if you are tense, your partner needs to stop and go back to basics with foreplay. The more relaxed you are, the easier penetration will be. Go the pace that works best for you. If it hurts, stop. Don’t rush yourself and make it fun. Work your way up to it, don’t just dive in. Start with kissing, then with touching, maybe oral if either of you find that to be interesting, and so on…Also, try toys for stimulation. There are ones you just use on your clitoris but dont have to insert. I also agree about talking about it. The more my partner and I talked about sex, the more safe I felt about sex.

Post # 14
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I think the others have some great advice on here.

I will add that it hurt A LOT for me the first time. Like, the entire time it was happening the pain didn’t lessen at all. It was almost unbearable. I had sex with the same guy a few more times, and then it would hurt when it first went in but after that it would be fine. Not to give Too Much Information, but he had a very thick penis.

With my Fiance, it almost never hurts. Sometimes it will hurt a bit going in, usually when I’m not super into it but I’m doing it because I don’t mind and I always get “into it” once he’s in. Then it doesn’t hurt after he’s all the way in.

Anyway, I definitely agree with others that it’s still hurting for you because you aren’t relaxed and you are overthinking it and worry about it too much.

I believe that one thing that will really help you relax is to talk to your husband about it. I know that it is difficult for you to talk to him about it, but it sounds like he is open to talking about it so you need to push yourself past your comfort zone and just have an open conversation with him. Tell him you want to enjoy sex with him, and you’d like to talk to him about how to make it more enjoyable for both of you. Talk about foreplay that you think will work, different positions you could try. Open up about your fears and your anxiety.

Talk to your husband, and talk to a therapist if needed. I undestand that you’re afraid or uncomfortable, and that’s okay, but please try to push past that and open up to him anyway. You WILL get past this uncomfortable part of your sex life, as long as you are open and honest with your husband.

Post # 15
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I lost my virginity to my husband at 24 and it probably took about 4-6 times before it felt relatively comfortable and didn’t hurt.  Lots of people try to convince you that sex doesn’t hurt, but it is different for everyone and for me the first time actually hurt a lot and we didn’t finish either.  Just keep trying, but relax and don’t push it.  It will get easier.  The his and hers lube are made more to heighten the pleasure, not as much for ease.  Buy just plain lube (I like Astroglide).  

Also, I don’t know what your TTC or birth control plans are, but if you haven’t you might want to talk about having sex without a condom if you both are comfortable.  Condoms come pre-lubed, but since it is a barrier from natural fluids, it often prevents your body’s natural lubricant and becomes dry.  

I think the most important thing is to keep an open communication about how it feels with your partner.  Maybe you can slow things down to make it easier to last for longer.  

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