Post # 16
Honestly, my first few times hurt so much as well. That’s when I invested in a vibrating “toy” so that I could spend time to slowly get used to the feeling and make some space. It helped so much because I took all the time I needed, whereas when you are with a man things tend to feel rushed.
The vibrations help to get you naturally lubricated (if not then you can use your lubricant no problem) and then you can insert whenever and in whatever position feels most naturally comfortable with you. You will be amazed at how much more comfortable you feel during sex.
And I agree with the previous posters that mentioned that he needs to spend a little more time trying to get you in the mood and working around what makes you feel comfortable!
Post # 17
We are not using condoms. We are using NFP (Natural Family Planning).
As many of you probably assume, I waited until marriage due to religious beliefs and part of my religious belief is not using contraception. But, that is a discussion for a different day. I don’t want to sidetrack to that.
Back to topic. I don’t want to rush to a therapist because I’m brand-spanking new at this.
I actually do own a vibrator but I never even opened it. I honestly felt weird using it by myself so I never did. I’m not opposed to him using it on me. Maybe that would help with the natural lubrication.
I also don’t want him to feel like we need “extras” to get me turned on. I hope that makes sense. I said next time I wanted to have some drinks before we did it so I would be more relaxed. I hope that didn’t sound too terrible?? But I felt terrible saying it. Is that so bad?
Post # 18
I think drinks beforehand is an okay idea – just enough to let go of a few inhibitions (and feel bolder) but not so much that you are comatosed and unable to communicate. But I really do think talking and foreplay are key here, don’t go for penetration next time, I would just do foreplay and possibly bring in your vibrator if you feel you can.
Don’t worry that he may feel threatened, he should care about how much of a big deal this is to you and should want to help you get through this together.
Post # 19
I think it’s a good idea to use a vibrator because you can move at a pace that is comfortable to you – whether you are alone or he is controlling it. As for him thinking that you need “extras” to turn you on.. Men throughout their lives use just about anything to masturbate to/on so it would be unfair for him to assume that you would only enjoy and feel turned on by his penis.
I also think instead of asking us questions about what you said to him and how he must of interpreted it – it’s better that you ask him. There is no way for us to know what he is thinking. Good communication is the key to get you through your first year of marriage which tends to be the most difficult for many couples.
I hope everything works out for you as I know how frustrated this can be.
Post # 20
32virgin: I think it is hurting you because you are stressed about it. When your body is tense your muscles are tense and that includes your vagina. I am not a virgin but when I am stressed my junk turns into a brick wall. So #1 is try to relax. Take a nice hot shower. Stay in your towel. Have your husband give you a nice back rub/ body rub. And foreplay is key. Ideally you two should maybe try to get you off before you even start having penetrative sex. Slow and steady wins the race! Patience is key and he needs to not push you, because that is just going to stress you out! And good call on the lube!
Post # 21
You can’t use contraceptives but can use a vibrator?
I think the tradition of losing it the night of was for brides being married off young in their 20’s. I’m unsure how the body can handle that at 32. I’m sure you’ll be fine, but it may hurt a little more, because you’re more aware of your body…which in retrospect can be a good thing.
Is your husband a virgin too? Maybe, you all can talk about it before doing it and figure out what works and what doesn’t for you. You mentioned he’s more “open to it” try and talk to him about that and figure out what you’re more open to as well. Also, there is absoloutely no reason to be embarassed. You wanted to wait…embrace it!!! I don’t know anyone who could’ve held out that long.
Post # 22
- Wedding: May 2016 - City, State
I am 39, just got married 2 weeks ago, and also remained a virgin until our wedding night. My husband was not a virgin. The first 2-3 times were really painful and I bled the first time. But now it only hurts a little, though I still get a little nervous and try to tell myself to relax as I know tensing up those muscles won’t help. Just like the rest of our relationship, I look at it as a lifetime of learning… We need to grow in this aspect of our relationship just as we do in every other aspect. I’m not really worried yet as I think it will take some time for me to get to a point of really enjoying it. And, evidently I’m rather small, so it will take time to gradually stretch those tissues, I would think. Fortunately, my husband is really open to talking about this… Something I never imagined I could do, but then I married him because I could talk to him about anything. But I’m appreciating the tips on positions that might be less painful.
Post # 23
32virgin: Drinks are a great idea!! I mean, don’t get wasted, but a couple glasses of wine to reduce your inhibitions? Sounds lovely. I wouldn’t worry about needing “extras” – we use lube all the time because it’s fun! Your husband shouldn’t feel like less of a man or anything.
One more idea. Did you ever make out as a teenager or in your 20s? Like make out to the point where you were so hot all you wanted to do was have sex? Do that! Don’t start with sex as the goal – pretend you’re just going to make out. Does he stimulate your clit? Are you having an orgasm before he penetrates you? You should be. Most women don’t orgasm from intercourse.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that it should be fun. Your body’s natural response should be that you’re DYING to have sex and can’t wait any more. How do you think so many teenagers end up pregnant LOL. 🙂
Post # 24
- Wedding: September 2016 - Hunting Hill Mansion
I’m not trying to be rude in the slightest here but… are you sexually attracted to your husband? Because like PP said, your body should be telling you that you want sex but it doesn’t really seem like that from your posts. I’m just trying to wrap my head around the situation first before giving advice.
Post # 25
Sex can hurt the first few times, whether you’re nervous or not. My tips are:
1. ALWAYS use lubricant. It just makes things so much better. Even if I’m 100% turned on, lube kicks things up a notch.
2. Get comfortable with the idea that you’re a sexual being. Spend an afternoon getting to know yourself alone. With the toy, with your fingers, whatever works for you. You’re married and you’re certainly not committing any kind of wrong-doing by learning alone first. If you don’t know what you like, you’ll never be able to share pleasure.
3. Don’t put pressure on yourself. You have your whole lives together to experiment. I started having sex 10 years ago and it’s only really now that I feel totally confident asking for what I want and being a generous lover in return. It takes a while to master things.
4. Have an orgasm before sex begins. I would say 9 times out of 10 I won’t enjoy sex as much if I haven’t orgasmed first, either through using a toy or mutual foreplay. There’s no rush – and then it means no one feels bad if you don’t climax through sex!
Also remember than less than 30% of women can orgasm through penetration. The clitoris is outside (worst design plan ever) and so often needs to be given some extra attention.
I wish you all the best of luck and I’m sure with some practise and exploration you’ll be having wonderful sex in no time!
Post # 26
emilypaige: Yeah that’s kind of what I was wondering too. OP, it doesn’t seem like you even want to have sex, but now that you’re married you have to. Is that what’s going on?
Post # 27
Definitely nothing to be worried or ashamed about.
You are probably experiencing anxiety, and nervousness. It’s going to take time and your husband will need to be patient and work with you. It will all pass…
Post # 28
Awe Bee!!! DON’T BE EMBARRASSED! Quick question, I am going to guess you have had a pelvic exam based on your age? I am only asking because I had a friend who lost her virginity in her late twenties and no matter how hard she tried it was very painful. I couldn’t believe she had never had a full pelvic exam. She eventually scheduled one and found out her hymen was pretty thick. Her doctor actually had to help by cutting it. I have also heard of women that have other issues that cause pain during sex for the first time. The shape and tilt of the pelvis or if your husband is very large. The best thing I could suggest is if you haven’t had a full pelvic, schedule one just to have everything checked out and if everything is ok, I highly recommend the route your going with the lube and a lot of foreplay. Your hubs needs to be patient. Not to be to open but maybe try fingering with one to two fingers. Work from there. Or you on top, so you can control it more! Best of luck Bee!!! You’ll get there!
Post # 29
- Wedding: May 2016 - St. John\'s Lutheran Church
Kikibear: Pain during first-time sex is completely normal. Nothing bigger than a tampon (and maybe not even that) has ever been up there before – it needs to stretch.
OP, it took me literally years of being sexuall active to have sex without pain. Even now, after five years of great sex with my husband, it still hurts upon initial insertion. (He calls me perma-virgin.) There’s nothing medically wrong with me – I just have a small vaginal opening. It’s fine. You probably do, too.
What helped for me was working up to it, starting with fingers, etc. But I also highly recommend that you get comfortable talking to your husband about it. You married this man, for God’s sake. If you can’t say to him, “Slow down,” or “not so hard,” you are constipating your whole relationship.
Post # 30
marriedtopizza: I get what you’re saying, but I still think if you’re aroused enough it really shouldn’t hurt. I mean, the vag is designed to have a baby come through it, so a little old penis shouldn’t be too much trouble :). It’s made to stretch pretty big!