(Closed) sex for the 1st time

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 31
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

You are by no means a freak or loser! Just because not everyone follows that path doesn’t mean its wrong, good for you! seriously!

some bees have already touched on this, but are you aroused when you try?

 

Sex isn’t always comfortable when you first start having it. I started as a teenager (when your hormones basically have you constantly ready to go) and it still took about a year before I started to enjoy it (even with someone I trusted and loved)

 

My advice? Take it slow, but start with dinner. A lot of people don’t know this but foreplay actually starts immediately after you finish. The post-coital cuddle goes a long way towards getting you ready NEXT time. so when I say “start with dinner” i mean, start with an intimate candle lit dinner and some wine. You don’t need to massage each other up or watch a sappy movie, just do the things you do together that made you fall in love, and when you’re ready to topple in to bed, have him work on you for a LONG time before he gets his turn. 

 

Sex is awkward, it’s awkward even when you’ve been having it for a while (sometimes) but I promise you it will get either, it’s just gonna take a bit more time then you thought

Post # 32
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee

I would suggest an evening of just hand stuff. You can play with each other and see if it gets a little easier from there. It’s completely new sensations in an area which hasn’t been stimulated much before, so it’s bound to be awkward. I think hand stuff with minimal penetration (maybe a finger if you’re up for it) might eventually turn you on enough that you are able to build up to full sex in time.

If you’re simply not getting aroused even with the threat of the pain of penetration removed, then I think you will need to see a therapist.

If you’re fully aroused and still feeling pain, I think you need to see your doctor for a referral to a OB/GYN who might be able to advise.

I agree that sex can hurt a little at first and it’s usually a mixture of psychological and physical barriers. Figure out which one is the bigger problem and you should be able to work through the other with the support of your partner.  

Post # 33
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Kikibear:  Yes but not when you’re inexperienced and anxious about normal first time pain, overthinking that something is wrong with yourself. You know the saying about sex starting in the brain and the heart, with the connected feelings and experiences you have outside the bedroom with your partner? Well if sex is associated in OP’s mind and heart with fear of embarrassment due to an awkward start, then ones vag muscles will contract and tighten. As she is inexperienced and this has not been going on long, it will turn around when she becomes more open with Darling Husband and more gentle with her own self!!

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  littlechickie.
Post # 34
Member
45 posts
Newbee

I would recommend you Google “Sensate Focus”. 

sensate Focus can be very beneficial when there may be anxiety or even previous traumatic sexual experiences which may be impacting someone’s ability to enjoy a variety of sexual experiences. It starts with exploring non-sexual touch and building trust and intimacy. 

If penetration is causing anxiety, shut that down right now. Having additional unpleasant experiences will be to your detriment. You need to start creating positive, intimate experiences with your husband. i think you need to be strategic about how to address this because you don’t want to create an issue that doesn’t need to be there. Think of this as a process. You will get to the point if having enjoyable sex, it just might take some time.

Post # 35
Member
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

32virgin:  I waited until I was married, married in my mid-20s, and it took about 10 tries over 2-3 weeks before he got all the way in. I guess I had a tough hymen, and I think Darling Husband gradually stretched/tore it. I’d never heard of needing 10 tries beforehand, so I thought something was wrong with me. But I’ve read of similar things since. We’re not unusual.

It does improve! Be patient, you’ve got your whole life to get it right.

By the way, I’m not sure what you mean by “(now everyone laughs at me)”, but your sex life is entirely between you and your husband. You’re not obliged to tell anyone about it. (Though of course you can confide in someone you trust if you want to).

EDIT: Reading some other replies: Yes, orgasm for you beforehand can be a good idea. It ensures you climax, and means your body is aroused as it’s going to be. 

Post # 37
Member
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

nearlymrshill:  “The clitoris is outside (worst design plan ever)

I think the reason is the most sensitive area is out of the way during childbirth. Anyway it does mean DH’s fingers can help, if you’re in the right position.

Post # 38
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

32virgin:  Don’t be embarrassed. And don’t worry. It hurt me the first time I was doing the deed with a new guy when I had not been active in quite some time. He was very understanding and offered to make out with me to satisfy but I was absolutely feeling like a freak too. It took me weeks with him to get over being embarassed and be ready to do it. So I think I know just how you feel. Like yourself I’m not the most experienced person and I’m an over thinker 

In your case. being that you are married I think it’s pretty damn non-controversial that the Lord is very much wanting you to have fun, connected sex and a joyful marriage. Just read the Song of Solomon. As a fellow Christian, I would pray about your awkward start with sex because no way will your waiting til marriage not be rewarded. You’re not a freak at all to have pain  at first. I would follow the advice other Bees gave about getting to know your body alone and making out a lot with Darling Husband to get used to being achives/naked etc

Post # 39
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I saw some mention the hymen breaking and that most women break theirs prior to having sex for the first time. Despite playing sports and being very active as a young adult, mine for sure broke the first time and yes, it’s painful. 

If you are feeling pain and you seem to be blocking him that is very likely the case. I’m not sure I have much advice expect that when it happens you will know and that will be the last time you have issue with it. You do have to keep trying. You could always take an asprin or have some wine prior to to help you relax and feel less pain.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  mich322.
Post # 40
Member
382 posts
Helper bee

The first time I had sex it also hurt. I remember not trying again flr at least a week, as I was pretty scared it might hurt again. When Darling Husband and I decided to be intimate again, we took our time. A long time to explore and arouse each other. He made sure I was getting wet, and on the line discovered my “weak points”. 

He didn’t try full penetration the second time. We started slowly. First the tip until I got used to it. Then, a little more. All until my vagina had gotten accustom to him. Nowadays, the first penetratin still surprises me but my inside has been molded tl fit him (if that can even happen).

I think you need to be more open with you Darling Husband. He needs to go slow and at your pace (you are the newbie here). It is okay to go to alcohol once…but try to not stick to it too much, or you might become dependant of alcohol to have sex.

Communication, patience and trust were key for me. Being able to tell my Darling Husband he was hurting me and having him listen to me bt beinh slower or helping me relax (not only telling me to relax) have lead me to an awesome sex lige and multiple orgasms.

Post # 41
Member
1450 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - St. John\'s Lutheran Church

Kikibear:  Ehhh call me crazy, but I’ve heard that also hurts pretty bad. 😛

Post # 42
Member
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

If you and your husband didn’t fool around at all before marriage, I would suggest starting there.  I think it would be difficult, physically and mentally, to jump right into penetrative sex when you’ve never explored each other with just hands and/or mouths.  

Take some pressure off of yourself.  I know you are so worried about pleasing your husband, but you both will have a much better sexual relationship if you are respectful and understanding of each other…and sometimes that will mean he’s not going to get off.  Have a few nights where you plan on only making out or fooling around.  Try to get comfortable with your sexuality.  If you are embarrassed about the vibrator or masturbation in general, try doing it by yourself in a private space like the shower.  

I am curious as to how your Darling Husband views sex.  Was he very experienced before you got married?  Does he put a lot of effort into foreplay or does he think he should just be able to…stick it in and go?  I think a lot of men don’t really understand female anatomy and don’t realize that good foreplay is absolutely essential for most of us to enjoy sex.  FI makes sure I have orgasmed or am very close to finishing (usually with oral) before his penis gets anywhere near my vagina!   

I know it can be very awkward and embarrassing at first, but it was only when Fiance and I started to have more open communication about sex that it became consistently amazing. 

Post # 45
Member
730 posts
Busy bee

32virgin:  I think I had some pain for the first month or so that I was sexually active. And the first time was definitely the worst with a little bleeding after. It’s not going to feel “good” for the first few times (at least for most people probably). Just make sure you aren’t tensing up or overthinking what you’re doing and just try to be in the moment with your husband as well as giving yourself enough time to warm up and get turned on before you start actually having sex. Try being the one on top so you’re able to control the movements. 

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