(Closed) Sex is still painful. Why?

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You need to ask your gyno. While they’re “down there” they can check if everything is the way it should be.

Post # 4
Member
1685 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Maybe your So is just super huge 😉

I’m teasing, of course.  My experience with it was odd.  The first guy I was with was really small, so i didn’t hurt too much.  The second guy I was with was HUGE (TMI but it was like a fist).  The third guy, my Fiance, is just right (goldilocks much?).

I never found the pain to unbearable during sex which I usually attributed to just, er… wanting it so bad.  It usually just kind of felt like it was burning.

I did bleed for two years after I lost my virginity after sex.  I attribute it to not really doing it on a consistent basis until the relationship my Fiance.  He found that I was much more likely to enjoy myself if he did a lot of foreplay in the begining (basically, getting me to the big O before trying to enter).

I wouldn’t worry about your sex drive.  It sounds like you get hot and bothered and like to so the other stuff, it’s just that you haven’t had a very good time with the whole sex thing so far.  Once you can have sex without pain, you’ll want it as much as you want the other stuff.

Also, last advice: get a dildo and some lube to use with it.  I recommend the rabbit: it’s small and easy to use.  But that will get you more comfortable with having something in there and figuring out what you like.  Once you figure out what feels good in there you can teach your partner.

 

Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@worldtraveler:  Have you asked an OBGYN or just a regular doctor?

Post # 6
Member
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@worldtraveler:  I have been having sex for over 10 years and it’s still painful every time.  (This will probably be a little Too Much Information, so please forgive me.)  The pain usually occurs at the very beginning during the initial penetration, but it also hurts more in certain positions (missionary is actually most painful for me) and will hurt when the penis is removed.  I’ve had sex with several different guys over the years (varying in size and experience), and it’s always been the same.  My fiance and I have sex regularly (we live together), so it’s not a matter of not doing it often enough.

I have a lot of trouble when I go to the gynecologist for my yearly visits as well.  I was told by my former doctor (I’ve since moved away from that area) that she believed I had vaginismus. You can easily find information about this condition by Googling it.  Basically, it’s a condition that causes involuntary muscle spasms around the vagina.  It can even make sex impossible at times (which you mentioned happened in the past).  I’ve had the same thing happen to me (and I wasn’t a virgin at the time).

It sounds scary, but when she told me she thought that was the issue, I was relieved … I finally knew what was wrong with me!  It might be worth a look in your case.  There are treatments, but I’ve never tried any of them.  I guess I enjoy sex enough (even with the intense pain!) that I just kind of deal with it.  That’s probably not the best mindset, but I figure  if I can still have an orgasm (or two or three!) during sex, I’m getting enough pleasure from it to outweigh the pain.  (I also have a pretty high pain tolerance, so that might also be a factor.)

I hope this helps.  

Post # 9
Member
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@worldtraveler:  Don’t get too paranoid about any sort of trauma.  I didn’t experience any sort of trauma relating to sex, nor did I have an overly religious upbringing (my mom and I used to go to church most weeks to appease my grandparents, but we were never super religious).  Some of the sources with information about vaginismus state that sometimes there isn’t a clear cause … So it definitely doesn’t have to be one or the other!

As a side note, I didn’t bleed the first time I had sex.  My friends and I are very open about sexual things, and I can honestly say that only one of my girlfriends bled when losing her virginity.  I wouldn’t place too much importance on that, as the hymen can stretch and break due to a number of things (including tampon use, certain strenuous exercise such as gymnastics and dance, etc.).

Post # 10
Member
724 posts
Busy bee

I had and still have vaginismus, although we finally FINALLY had sex for the first time on our vacation this past week (HURRAY!!!).  It hurt for me too, it probably will for awhile.  But I used to not even be able to put a tampon in, and now I can have penetrative sex (though he still can’t get it in all the way).  Here’s what I did:

First, I wouldn’t recommend a dildo.  Dildos creep me out and they’re usually too big for what you need, plus I like the idea of treating a medical problem with medical equipment better.  I’d recommend vaginal dilators (white, slick, plastic tubes of varying sizes, from smaller than a tampon to bigger than a fairly large penis.  Talk to your gyno about it or even get them online) as the best treatment for vaginismus.  Basically your vagina is a muscle and like any muscle, it needs exercise.  This might sound a little bleh, but you need to stretch it.  Get the dilators.  Get them today, get them right now, it will be the best 40 dollars you’ve ever spent.  

Take the smallest dilator (smaller than a tampon) and insert it inside just a little, then more and more as you feel comfortable.  Don’t rush it (my gyno was astounded I could even put a tampon in in three months, she said that was extremely fast progress for someone with severe vaginismus, though it sounds like yours is less severe).  Once you’ve got that one all the way in and the spasms have stopped and its not painful, take it out and do the same thing with the next size up.  Then the next and the next until you’ve used one about the size of your bf’s penis (either the biggest one or next biggest one probably).  

It won’t eliminate the pain overnight.  It will probably take a few months (it took me a full year and a half).  But before sex, use the dilators to “warm up” your vagina.  Make it sexy, add it in as part of your foreplay.  Get it stretched to where the dilator that’s close to the size of his penis can go in without pain and then let him enter.  It sounds really unsexy I know but I promise it will help.

Oh and stop faking enthusiasm.  I know it’s tempting to do but once you open up to your SO about your feelings and the pain, a good boyfriend will be super encouraging (my boyfriend was actually the one who bought the dilators since I was too embarassed).  PM me if you need any more info!

Post # 11
Member
2674 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Catholic Church

@worldtraveler:  This (@Dizbee:) is absolutely the best advice. I believe that you have vaginismus as some of the other bees have posted. Before I lost my virginity, I had tried to use tampons and they hurt me so much that I would pass out every time. When I got engaged I became super worried that I wouldn’t be able to have sex at all after we were married and I tried using tampons again with the same results. I did not have full-blown vaginismus and I was able to get over it by buying lube and teeny tiny, plastic applicator tampons (less friction than cardboard). By thouroughly lubricating the plastic tampons I was able to insert them without pain and I was able to train my body to accept things being inserted. I never got dilators because I wasn’t too bad and I stuck with just different sized tampons and eventually fingers, but the dilators would be much better because you can use them at any time of the month and they come in more varied sizes. Now I’m able to have sex comfortably and I want it all the time!

Trying to have sex through the pain is a very bad thing to do because it trains your body to think that sex will always hurt and makes the vaginismus worse.

To relax enough for insertion to be less painful, I found it helped to imagine my muscles all melting and to focus on keeping them melted. Slow, rhythmic breathing and imagining myself turning into a puddle on the bed are things that I do to relax everything and keep calm when I’m angry and they were great for learning to relax my vaginal muscles.

There are also doctors/therapists that you can see to work on your vaginismus.

Post # 12
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Is it possible you have vulvodynia? (to this person who posted this topic in the first place. Can’t remember who you are LOL)

Post # 13
Member
229 posts
Helper bee

I have the same thing! I always wondered what was wrong with me.
Always after sex, it hurts right at the entrance.
It hurt less with my ex, I think he was smaller. But with my current Boyfriend or Best Friend we just use lots and lots of lube and go really slow while he puts it in. Also, we make sure vaginal sex doesn’t last that long because it starts to hurt pretty badly. We just use lots of foreplay. 

Post # 14
Member
229 posts
Helper bee

I have the same thing! I always wondered what was wrong with me.
Always after sex, it hurts right at the entrance.
It hurt less with my ex, I think he was smaller. But with my current Boyfriend or Best Friend we just use lots and lots of lube and go really slow while he puts it in. Also, we make sure vaginal sex doesn’t last that long because it starts to hurt pretty badly. We just use lots of foreplay. 

Post # 15
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Good advice here. Whether it’s vulvodynia, vaginismus, or just plain old being kinda small and lack of consistent “practice,” the solution is to go slow but also to not give up.

You mention in your initial post that you were a reluctant technical virgin, get turned on while making out, etc etc….but then in a later post, you said “the only aspects of intercourse I actually like are feeling emotionally connected to my partner and making him feel good.” You were very specific about saying intercourse, so I’m assuming that you enjoy clitoral stimulation, oral sex — non-penetrative types of sex and/or self-stimulation? I’m just checking to make sure that there isn’t some “sex is bad and dirty” ideology going on here as well. Self-exploration (if you haven’t done this) seems like a good idea — figure out what motions/angles are causing the pain, and if there’s anything that makes it better or hurt less.

In combination with intercourse (going slooooowly), I recommend clitoral stimulation. See if you can override the pain receptors with the pleasure ones. In addition…it’s not written anywhere that it has to be all intercourse all the time. While you’re working on this challenge, make sure that you’re also continuing to do lots and lots of the sexual activities that you enjoy, feel comfortable with, and that don’t hurt.

Post # 16
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@worldtraveler:  Get checked out for vulvodynia.

Btw, vaginismus is often a secondary condition that occurs with vulvular pain or any kind of dyspareunia. Think about it, when you expect pain your body naturally tenses.  Same with the vaginal muscles. You can have it without a history of psychological trauma.

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