- 6 years ago
- Wedding: June 1993
Longtime reader, first time writer, needed to get this off my chest… you know the drill. 🙂
My FH and I are kind of stupid: the last time we made love was almost two years ago and we haven’t talked about it at all until today. We’ve always been very affectionate, that hasn’t changed but anything more than that has gone completely out the window.
The dry spells have been bothering me for years, and our relationship didn’t start out this way. Maybe four years ago I asked him if it was a problem of being attracted to me, because I had gained weight since starting a 60-hour a week desk job. Anyway, he lied and said no, that wasn’t the problem.
Things didn’t get better after that. I tried to address the issue a few more times but was met with silence from him, and tried initiating myself a couple times only to be turned down. After that I went off my birth control and gave up, thinking the next time he tried to initiate we’d be forced into talking about it, but of course he never did.
Before I left for work this morning I saw one of the tabs on his internet browser said something about threesomes. I got PISSED. Porn is whatever to me, I don’t care, but seeing that after not getting any for two years and feeling like a malformed troll? Oh, HELL NO. I went to work and sent him a long text telling him, in a calm tone, that we either need to work on this or go our separate ways because it wasn’t fair to either of us. I hate texting, especially for important conversations, but thought I’d have better luck getting him to open up if I wasn’t right there in his face about it. And I was right.
Before I go on I should note that I’ve always been overweight. So obviously he went into our relationship knowing that, I didn’t balloon up one day out of nowhere. Today he finally admitted my weight (gain) was a problem. It hurts, but it’s not like I can’t do anything about it and I asked for his honesty. I understand that to an extent he can’t help what he’s attracted to, but I think I finally got through to him when I wrote that his distance has made me feel more disgusting and ugly than being overweight ever has. I guess I just felt resentful for a long time, like if he couldn’t bear to touch me like this why should he deserve to touch a thinner me? Which is REALLY stupid, I know, because that thinking only threatened my own health. I’m fine aside from being tired a lot, but that might not always be the case.
Today he told me that it wasn’t all me, though… other big reasons for withdrawing like he did were because he feels unattractive himself, and he got bored with almost always doing the same routine. I told him my view of him and attraction to him hasn’t changed, but that he was the experienced one when we got together and didn’t seem interested in taking the time to help me experiment, so I never knew what to do that would have been more exciting. I mean, maybe some people are innately good at sex, but I’m a klutz and needed practice. 🙁 I should have brought that up at the beginning, but I was embarassed and felt like there was something wrong with me. He said he felt awful that he put this wall up and never meant to hurt me so much, and that he felt like he failed me.
We decided to start over, try again but take it slow and that we’ll both start eating better and exercising to boost our energy and confidence. If it all goes back to the status quo, as much as it would hurt I’d ask him to move out. I can’t marry someone who I can’t share myself with completely, but I guess over the years we just got in that rut and let it become the elephant in the room instead of getting over our personal hangups and talking it through. See? Stupid.
Anyway, he said he wants me to take charge sometimes. I don’t know how! I tried before but it was all awkward and he wasn’t really into it. I guess I’m hoping some slightly bolder bees will have a tip or two to help me get the ball rolling on that end.
Free Cheetos and Twinkies to anyone who read most of this. We need to get that crap out of our pantry anyway. 🙂