(Closed) Sex life is ruining our relationship. Please help

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
11391 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

It could be a medical problem. Have him see a doctor. Go with him if he wants but if he would rather go alone, let him. It may be embarrassing for him but a doctor should be able to fix it no problem! 

Post # 4
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree that this sounds like either a medical problem or something that he needs to see a sex therapist for.

Good luck, I hope it gets better!

ETA: Does he have any other health problems that could be causing this?

Post # 5
Member
1925 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Yeah I would definitely have him see a doctor.  If nothing else, Viagra works!  I’m sorry you’re going through this, I hope it works out for you and your husband!

Post # 6
Member
5984 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1999

@GuessWhoBee:  I’m no expert, but I’ve had a several partners in my life (I was a 39 year old first time bride) and each sexual relationship was different.  From what you described (“But when do things that don’t involve pressure on him to perform, like him performing oral sex on me, he can sustain an erection for long periods.”), it sounds like there’s a pretty significant emotional component going on here.  It’s almost as if he’s set up these high expectations for himself and overanalyzes everything (I, too, have done this before).  There’s a strong possibility that both of your feelings have really seperated you causing detachment and frustration (Been there, done that too).  More than likely, the two of you will need to address the emotional components through counseling or even try go get away to take the stress off a bit.  You might also want to consider using toys in the bedroom, which would almost guarantee you pleasure (taking the pressure off of your man).  Feel free to inbox me if you want to chat more… 

Post # 7
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I second seeing a sex therapist. This seems like a big mental block, but it could be the reverse in that his penis stopped getting erections phsycially , so he now freaks out and compensates with psycholgoical attachments.

So maybe both…..therapy and a Dr’s appt.

Is it a sore subject if you bring up how it makes you feel undesirable etc or you don’t even want to tell him due to the chance of further destroying his confidence?

Post # 8
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

First things first, my heart is breaking for you! It actually does sound like these are his hang ups and it shouldn’t be seen as a reflection of your looks or sexuality.

It COULD be medical but if he can maintain an erection doing other things, it sounds like, and I’m sure you’ve deduced this, performance anxiety or general insecurity. I am no expert but could setting the mood or a cocktail help beforehand? Is it possible porn is in the mix here? That he jerks off too much to be/stay horny or orgasm with someone besides himself/his hand?…

Post # 9
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

@melisslp: Agree about the toys. It really does do the trick and take the “pressure” off sometimes when you just want an easy O together. Lol.

And the therapy. It doesn’t really sound medical to me, though obviously it could be. It sounds psychological (for him) and that needs to be addressed. If it were to go on like this for years it would tear you both apart. Definitely see someone, maybe a whole bunch of someones (regular therapist, sex therapist, medical DR for Viagra, etc).

Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

@GuessWhoBee: Ah okay, I understand, you have hit a wall with talking about it and there is only so much to say. Well I’m glad you have open communication!

What about dressing up as someone totally different like wig, costume, make up or meeting in really random places pretending to be strangers or hooking up in scandelous locations for quickies, so you both kind of have to act and it takes the pressure off typical situations in bed.

Post # 14
Member
5984 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1999

@GuessWhoBee:  I understand.  I prefer physical intimacy also.  As a matter of fact, I haven’t used any form of toy since getting really serious with my hubby.  However, I’m thinking that I need to introduce them into our relationship because it could add to my/our enjoyment in the bedroom.  Even though you might not like them, I think it could help your hubby in terms of taking some of the pressure off of him, knowing you’d reach an “o” with a toy.   

Post # 15
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

@GuessWhoBee: Seriously, wouldn’t we love to just take a peak in our mens heads 😉

Hopefully it goes good or starts something new. My other thought was to do a little reverse psychology, since he is so emotionally inolved, sensitive and attached and you have been catering to it- maybe do the reverse? Get a little dominatrix on. Throw him down and tell him what you want and how you want it so theres no questioning. Get strict with things, so he has something to work for , with direction and purpose as opposed to him just getting let of the hook or leave all the pressure on him to initiate etc etc. It may be too crazy since he is emotionally disturbed with things like porn, but maybe he has some secret inner desire you can crack into.

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