Post # 1
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
I have a really low sex drive, and I’m wondering how normal it is. I have sex about once or twice a week but I do it mostly out of guilt. I’m rarely in the mood. I don’t know what my problem is. I’m attracted to my fiance. I wouldn’t say our sex is great. Sometimes it is, but that is fairly rare. I don’t get turned on by kissing him. I guess I never really did. He doesn’t kiss very well, though he has improved since we first started dating.
We’ve been dating for 3 years and we’ve been living together for 2 years. We also work together… that’s alot of together time. I sometimes feel that if we weren’t together 24/7, we would probably have alot more sex. Whenever we part ways for the weekend or holiday, I always come home wanting to have sex with him.
I don’t know what to do. I literally never want to have sex. I feel so guilty because he tries so hard to please me. I want to please him too. I want to want to have sex. Any advice?
Post # 3
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper
First – Are you on birth control? Certain kinds affect your sex drive.
Second – I totally feel you. Fiance and I have lived together for almost 2 years and have started to recently notice a decline in our sex drive. Combine that with the hours we work and the fact that I’m in school, and we’re both just SO tired at the end of the day. I think what has worked best for us is ‘keeping the romance alive.’ We put a lot more EFFORT into sex now that we’ve noticed this decline. I’m talking candles, mood lighting, wine, lots of foreplay, etc.
It happens to (most) couples, I think, that you have occasional slumps. Just do something to spice it up! Also, it sounds like you’re not 100% happy with the quality of your sex life. Suggest new things to him… maybe new positions? new techniques would help?
Post # 4
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
My friend was feeling the same way. I have never personally had that problem. If I could do it 50 times a day I would. I suggested to her that she try working out in the evening. It gets the blood flowing and makes me more frisky anyway, so she did and it helped big time!
Post # 5
Member
3012 posts
Sugar bee
My problem is that our sex life has dwindle a bit because of a health issue (everything is fine and dandy now, but I have my days). I ABSOLUTELY hate it. I’m used to having sex more than 4 times a week. Now it’s maybe once every two weeks? But there’s reasons behind it. Anyways, I brought this up to him tonight and told him that I felt the romance in this aspect is gone. He disagrees and says that sex isn’t the only romance in our life. I never said that and I know he loves me and wants me, but I hate that it’s slowed down quite a bit.
Post # 6
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
Agree with AmeliaBedelia about birth control affecting your sex drive. There are other issues that could affect it too, so I would bring it up at your next ob/gyn appointment. I know it’s awkward, but there are often things that they can help with, but you have to ask.
Also, since you mentioned you’re together all the time and miss each other when you’re away, have you thought about picking up a new activity? A dance class or a yoga class, something you can do by yourself to get away, get a jolt of endorphins and self confidence, and then come home and want to jump him?
The fact is, people have different levels of sex drives, and you may never be one of those “gotta have it constantly” kind of women. But doing physical activities (apart and together) may boost your bond and get you more physically connected. Good luck!
Post # 7
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
@blondilocks: I really should try this, it would get me working out and theres always room for more sex!!
Post # 8
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
@AmeliaBedelia: Thanks for your reply. I am on birthcontrol. I’ve been on it since we started dating 3 years ago. I considered that may be the cause, but I don’t want to go off the birth control (for obvious reasons) and this is the best one I’ve tried (and I’ve tried the patch, the ring, and a few different pill brands.)
I also have a demanding job and I’m studying for my licensing exam (I’ve been studying for a year, it’s very stressful).
I told Fiance, that if we were on a vacation somewhere I am sure I would have no problem having sex more often. It’s just that I feel so stressed out all the time now. I never want it.
He deserves a more affectionate bride though… so I will try all the things you suggested. Thanks!
Post # 9
Member
3639 posts
Sugar bee
If you are on Birth Control that can affect your sex drive.
You need to idenifity what does get you in the mood and use that to help. Reading sexy stories, dressing up, having a bath, getting a massage, getting your Fiance to do certain things, or getting him to talk about doing things and how much he wants to, starting the process by yourself…(if you catch my drift).
It’s also the mental game, if you want to want sex, you eventually will want it. Don’t think *sigh* I’m so tired, I don’t want to. Think my Fiance is so sexy! And he’s all mine…
Good luck! 🙂
Post # 10
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
@MrsSl82be: Im so serious!! I work out everyday and I seriously think thats where I get all of my energy from. Totally try it and let me know how it goes!
Post # 11
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper
@kelly105: I totally understand not wanting to go off BC – I most certainly am not. But being aware that it affects my drive was helpful. I didn’t feel as “inadequate” about not wanting it constantly like I hear others say.
Good luck with your licensing exam – I am in the same boat. It can get to a point where I am reduced to tears over school/work/stress. We’re working on that. 😉
I hope your Fiance is sensitive to these things, and helping him understand that will help him help you. Fiance and I have learned more about each other’s stress-points and how to help and THAT has helped our sex life as well. 🙂 It won’t happen over night, but you’re on the right track. 🙂
Post # 12
Hostess
18644 posts
Honey Beekeeper
From your follow up post, it sounds like you are having a lot of stress. I know that my drive is killed right now because I’m in school and working full time so I’m tired and stressed all the time.
The BC might be affecting you but it seems like you have found the best one for your body.
Don’t feel too bad about it, it happens to most of us sadly.
Post # 13
Member
893 posts
Busy bee
We’ve also struggled with this, but things have improved lately. A lot of other factors play into women’s sex drive, and it sounds like some outside factors (studying for a stressful exam, being exhasted, etc) have hurt your sex drive.
We started going to counseling together to work out some relationship problems and individual problems as well. That has helped me significantly with my sex drive.
For girls it takes a little more to get us in the mood so I’d try thinking about it and trying to get yourself in the mood and then making it happen. Last night I took a shower (because i like to be squeaky clean before we have sex) and kept thinking about him and the prospect of having sex with him after I got out of the shower. By the time I was done I was very much in the mood! Just an example of something to try that may help you.
I also found that doing it more regularly helps to keep my libido up, so I try to keep that in mind if it has been awhile since we have done it.
Hope that helps!
Post # 14
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
Fiance and I talk about our “problem” all the time… haha… at least we have healthy communication. I’m going to try everything that you all suggested. I need to start putting myself in the mood… with valentines day coming up, it is the perfect time to start working on this issue… =)
Post # 15
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
@R.Elliott: That does help! I think I am going to take a shower right now, then have a glass of wine. FI is at the library right now studying for the same licensing exam that I’m studying for… 🙂 He said he will be home around 9:30.
Wow… I’m actually getting excited about the idea of having sex tonight. lol… I guess I just need to try a bit harder.
Oh, and I loved the idea about reading saucy romance novels… I use to read my grandmother’s when I was a teenager… they always sparked my desires 🙂 😛
Post # 16
Member
10 posts
Newbee
I have the exact same problem. Literally. To the T. Well, except we don’t work together so we don’t see ALL that much of each other. But I’m stressed, and on the pill (both contributing factors) and we have sex 1-2 times a week, sometimes less, and I feel that he deserves a more affectionate wife. I love him dearly and I would never want to lose him, but it makes me feel inadequate at times because I just don’t want it as often as he does. He’s very patient with me and never “complains” or anything like that, but I totally understand where you’re coming from. So, sorry, no advice, but just some commiseration.
