(Closed) sex or no sex

posted 11 years ago in Relationships
Post # 77
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Trinity Lutheran Church & Idlewild Country Club

@cbgg- I started out waiting for religious reasons, but now it doesn’t quite feel like that at all. I’m still religous, but no long being a teenager going to youth group meetings that talk about waiting, I don’t really feel like it’s religious.

Part of me doesn’t feel ready to do it yet. It’s that simple. Also, since we’ve waited 4 years, I feel like we can wait another 1.5.

We waited until our engagement to say ‘I love you’ for the first time too. This wasn’t religoius it all, it’s because we wanted it to be special and to really mean something. I look at sex the same way, I want to look back at my first time and remember it as special. I don’t want to picture myself in FI’s dumpy college apartment, I’d rather picture myself in our honeymoon suite or as a new newlywed. Although Fiance would like to do it if given the option (he slept with 1 person before we met), he’s really excited about making it special for us.

Also, I feel like people confuse sex and love so very very easily. I am happy that I know what I have is love and I am excited about exploring the rest for the rest of my life.

I also think about the future a lot, and when having the conversation with my children one day, I would like to tell them I waited.

Good question, though! I’d like to know what other ladies think as well.

Post # 78
4566 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@cbgg- I’ve heard of people being SO terrified of getting pregnant that they would abstain! Condoms and birth control be d*amned!

Post # 79
5870 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@ColourCoated – so cool, I didn’t expect to get a response to that so easily!

My personal feeling on sex is that there are two parts to the equation (personal values here, no judgement)

1) Being ready within your relationship

2) Being ready indipendently of your relationship

For me being married doesn’t factor into either of those things but of course it does for lots of people (particularly religious people). 

I also agree with you on the “I love you” statment.  I believe that you often feel as though you love someone early in a relationship due to the lust stage.  Of course, it’s hard to judge when that stage ends.  After three years I’m still pretty darn lusty!

Post # 80
5870 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@ KMSull – I was like that when I was younger (young enough that I should have been having sex so we’ll call that a good thing!).  THat was a big part of me being ready as an individual.

To this day I don’t settle for less than two forms of birth control each and every single time!  SO is on the same page!

Post # 81
4566 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Soon as they make a pill for boys you can have 3 forms! That would make it really, really difficult!

Post # 82
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

My Fiance and I are waiting. My Fiance is a virgin, because he has been waiting until he got married. I am not a virgin, but him and I haven’t done anything together.  We will have been together 5 years by the time we get married.  It’s very hard at time to not just go all the way, but I know it will SOO be worth it on our wedding night.  We do move a little further and further as time goes on and sometimes we wonder what we should and shouldn’t be doing.  But we are waiting to have sex.

Post # 83
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

We are in a LDR, so it’s not really a choice-lol! He is 300+ miles away, so we were together last weekend when he was here several times and the next time will be our wedding night. He is not coming down here until the Thursday before the wedding-which will be next Thursday! Why? He has a job where he is and does not have a job here yet-which is anxiety producing and he has to work on Wednesday.

After being around each other Thursday, Friday & most of the day on Saturday (our wedding day) and then driving from SW Georgia to Toccoa, I am sure that we will be “more than ready” ๐Ÿ˜‰ for our wedding night!

Post # 84
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

Wow this is such an interesting post!

We are both virgins (will be 22 & 25 when we get married) and we are really trying by the grace of God to wait!

We met in Rome so we were in a LDR for two years, so I went to visit him in Italy three times after we met, and then he moved here in April. ๐Ÿ™‚

I know that we would have been “ready” from the day we met, but because of our personal convictions we believe that sex is for marriage.

I’m not sure who said it but they mentioned something about it being hard to lust after someone when they are not around.. not the case for us and many other girls that I know.

Waiting is a daily challenge for us, especially living on the same side of the ocean, but the amazing thing about it is that we know God will bless us for it & we have no worries of not being compatible because we know that we are meant to be together and that while sex is a vital part of marraige there’s many other vital parts that work together to create a great marriage. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 85
2767 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

@cbgg and kmsull, I’m one of the people who freaks out and thinks I’m going to get pregnant after having sex.


Fiance and I started abstaining from sex initially for religious reasons, but also because I just got too stressed out after it and would think I was going to get pregnant.  I couldn’t handle that on top of school and everything else going on in my life.


I think one of the reasons I always thought I could get pregnant is because I have very irregular periods.  Sometimes I would miss it for three months at a time.  Can you imagine if you had sex and then that happened?  And you are 20 years old?  It was terrifying to me.  I would wait and worry for weeks until my period finally showed up.  I wasn’t on the pill at the time because that always made me sick and bloated too.  

Post # 86
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009


I just mean that it’s hard to be really lustful when you haven’t seen your SO for 8 months. We go periods of multiple months at a time and after awhile, it’s “out of sight, out of mind” with the sexual feelings.

Feelings of lust and “ooo i wanna rip his clothes off” were overshadowed by “oh i hope he’s safe” most of the time because my husband was in Iraq. It’s hard to be very lusty when you’re just worried in general and you never really get to see the guy. Not that I didn’t go through my “oh i wish he was home” but it wasn’t like I was running around frustrated all the time.

Plus, we’d already been together 3+ years. I just mean that for us, the lust got replaced by more imminent feelings of concern–the distance was harder than fighting the lust I guess. =]

Post # 87
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

We didn’t wait and neither of us regret it. I have to say, I love Weddingbee. I feel like everyone is so nonjudgemental. I’ve always felt like it should be to each their own and on here, everyone else seems to have that attitude. ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s definitely a huge pet peeve when people ask me if SO and I plan on living in sin forever. Very refreshing to not get that here!

Post # 88
4381 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Ceremony - First United Methodist Church; Reception - My parents' house!

@Akennedy01- Agreed! I like that we’re allowed to be honest and don’t have to give ‘Sunday school answers’ to everything. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 89
33 posts
  • Wedding: August 2010

Fiance and I have been together 4 years, and we’ve been having sex for 3.99995 years of our relationship. LOL. Neither of us regret our decision to not abstain. A few days after we got engaged I jokingly suggested waiting until we were married… the look of shock and horror on his face was hilarious! But honestly, he could go longer than I could… I’m a feind, I guess, haha.

On another note, has anyone else heard of people who actually wait months or even years AFTER they’re married to have sex?? I’ve heard of a few couples who’ve made this decision… I thought they were joking… =(

Post # 90
51 posts
Worker bee

We’re waiting and it sure feels like we’re the only ones! But I guess we’re not according to this thread! That makes me feel better about struggling NOT to have sex!

I’m also doing it b/c I don’t believe in sex outside of marriage and my love for the Lord. But man, am I counting down!!! just one more month to go!!!

Post # 91
1205 posts
Bumble bee

We didn’t wait or rather aren’t waiting.  We’re another one of those 2nd date couples…  lol.  Glad to know we aren’t alone.  Best oops I ever had!!!

Since I was married before for 8 years (I was 18 when we married), my “phase” came after that.  It’s pretty interesting to think you have this guy all figured out and then he’s just a dud in the sack.  The opposite was true w/ Fiance.  I wasn’t really expecting it to be bad, but I wasn’t expecting to see stars either.  Stars, Fireworks, whatever you want to call it – I was THERE!  And I have to say it means so so so much more (and is better) because we are connected on several levels, other than physical.  It’s not everything, but our physical relationship has transformed out entire connection. 

I think that those who are waiting are admirable and strong – that’s hard work!  I commend you and suggest you take things slow and learn about each other with LOTS of communication.

I, personally, sit in the camp that you wouldn’t buy a car without driving it, so why not take a test drive.

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