- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
I am 22, getting married in 21 days!!! Am I happy? Am I excited? Yes! BUT…I can’t help but to feel incredibly scared and sad. I weight about 45 pounds more than I did when we met..and I was pretty chubby back then as well. I can’t help but to think I have failured somehow, not loosing weight for the wedding…and worst of all: the wedding night!!!!
We are both virgins and will be having sex for the first time that night! I feel like such a horrible wife-to-be! His first time will be with a disgusting fat girl full of rolls and folds! It’s enough that the wedding photos will be a reminder of how fat I am right now, but the wedding night too? I don’t want him to remember his first time like this! I get to have this hot, sexy, kind, amazing man….and he gets a fat, insecure girl who is terrified of getting naked in front of him!
I love this boy so much, and we click in ever aspect! He is trully by best friend! And I’ve discussed this with him before…and of course he tells me I’m beautiful and the only girl he wants to be with…but I know I’m not as attractive as I was when we met. And it really pisses me off that I let myself go so much! 6 years ago I had an amazing body (that is… 85pounds ago!). Why did I do this to myself? How am I going to get over this phobia of getting naked in front of him.
I know it’s weird I guess….but you know how most girls daydream of their wedding day? I’ve always daydreamed more of the wedding night, than the actual wedding! I’ve always been absolutly crazy waiting for the day I got to have sex with my husband. Now it’s 21 days away and I feel like running away.
I can’t stand the idea of looking ugly, or not being able to give him what he deserves. I know it sounds crazy (and he’d get so upset if I ever told him this), but I’ve actually considered finding a way to get him to have sex with some other hot girl first or something.
I just feel so lucky to have him! He’s absolutly crazy in love with me, and so kind, sweet, funny, sensitive….. I feel so selfish for not shutting my mouth to food and getting on a workout program earlier, so his first time could be the best thing he could ever have.
I’m tired of crying, tired of trying to convience him to keep the lights off for the first time, tired of going on stupid purging episodes (delusionally thinking this will by some miracle get me skinny). I just want to feel confidant, sexy, free….. I feel so tired down by my body!
Just yesterday I went to get a swimsuit for the honeymoon and ended up outside the store bawling in his arms. I’m sick of putting him through so much with all this weight stuff too! The poor guy goes from nearly crying with me, to trying to show me how much he loves me, to getting mad that I “don’t see how beautiful I am in his eyes”.
I know the typical response…that he loves me and won’t care about my weight. I know..I know he loves me and will love me no matter what! But that’s what makes me feel so damn bad! How can I not give this kind man the best?! He deserves it so much more than all those asshole players out there who end up with gorgeous girls!
Sorry, total rant there. But man I need help. If anyone has anything to help me feel more confidant or ways to lose a bit of weight…iono…. I just know that our wedding night will suck if I end up crying and beating myself up over my freaken weight issues. =(=(
We’ve waited to long for this day! How can it be so close now…and yet all I can think about is finding a way to delay it so I can have time to lose some weight?!