(Closed) Sex phobia

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
1070 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Honey, don’t worry. If your hubs will be doing it for the first time, he’s focused on ONE thing, and it won’t be “omg, she looks 45 lbs heavier than when I first met her”.

Get your confidence back and love yourself first before you can take care of others.


Post # 4
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

aw, those are normal fears! having sex for the first time, especially when you build up to it like that… is gonna make you anxious! but after you get it out of the way you’ll see, it’ll be fine! and you can always lose weight slowly AFTER you’re married, if you’re so inclined.

weightloss is a lifestyle change, not a quick starvation thing.

also, I was nervous about showing my body to my husband too, but I gained more confidence after I saw how much I turned him on. 😉

Post # 5
1162 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@patchy:  +1 to your last bit 😉


Ive gained about 55lbs since Fiance and I met, though we got the sex thing out of the way quite early (his first time but not mine) I lost all my confidence when I got stuck in a crummy job with the boss from hell and unable to get out of that seemingly bottomless pit. But after I lost all my confidence Fiance tried endlessly to convince me of my beauty and though I still feel horrid, I know he doesnt see it that way. The problem is your putting too much pressure on that one night. 50 years from now you wont remember it! I stressed over my first time with my first “boyfriend” for years and you know what? I remember about 5 seconds of grunting and a sweaty body. I don’t even know where I was in my weight yoyo at the time… I dunno if i was at my smallest or my biggest! Of course your first time is with your hubby and everything, but I promise you after a few years you wont remember how big you were, you’ll remember how it felt to look into his eyes and the special experience you shared with him!!

Post # 6
5189 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@BeeAlive:  There’s nothing wrong with having sex in the dark or under the sheets if it makes you feel more comfortable. Everyone’s first time is awkward and they worry about what they look like naked. Your Fiance already knows that you’re not a stick figure so it’s not like you’ll be surprising him and making him run for the hills. Obviously he thinks you’re beautiful, so don’t worry about it. 

Post # 7
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I would suggest that next time you start feeling bad about your appearance you make a conscious effort to stop and instead think about your best features. Women have a tendency to only focus on the things they don’t like and forget about the good things. I bet that when your Fiance looks at you he doesn’t see the extra weight or the other little things you don’t like. Instead he sees the beautiful things about you. 


In terms of being nervous about your first time, trust me I’ve been there. If you feel more comfortable with the lights off, that’s ok. But I can guarantee you that your Fiance will be focusing on the parts of you that he loves, not the bad things. Candlelight is a good compromise – romantic and ultra flattering! My advice is for you both to take your time, and not to build your expectations up too high. Most people will tell you that their first time was at least partly messy and awkward – and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean it can’t be wonderful too. 

Post # 8
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014 - Windstar on Naples bay

My Fiance  and I are both still virgins too, but we’ve donsoother things and he has seen me naked (and I him.) but when we first started fooling around I wouldn’t even strip my clothes off for the most part becuse I have always been been fat, since I was little. I have always had low self esteem. my turning point is when I went wedding dress shopping. When I faced that ocean of white with the worst expectations and came out on top looking amazing something clicked inside me. I’m not huge and fat. I’m not ugly. I’m beautiful and curvy. My Fiance is always telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me, now the words are syncing into my head and its affecting me and my whole life. It’s amazing to me how much I’ve changed in a few month. Look to your positives, look at who you are. Your weight doesn’t change a thing about who you truly are. You are an amazing person that your Fiance chose and sees don’t start doubting his choice because you think a few pounds will shift the world! Remember you will get older and the pounds will get harder to shed but its your love and his love that will last the tides of time. Not your weight. How do you feel in your dress? How does he react when you wear something pretty? Strut yourself like you own the world and he won’t be able to stop looking at you no matter your weight in 20 days. Own it. Self confidence is the most sexy thing ever!! Don’t worry about it. Worry ruins everything. Just love the moment. Him, his eyes, his passion. 😀 hope that helps. 

Post # 9
8378 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle

@BeeAlive:  First, you both are going to be super nervous. He might have body issues too and might be feeling insecure about himself the same way you are. Relax. This will be your husband and your best friend. You guys will get used to each other’s bodies. Sometimes I feel fat, but Fiance always tells me that he picked me in the first place because he was attracted to me and if he wanted to date a skinny girl without curves that’s what he would’ve picked. He says he loves every inch of me and I’m sure your husband will feel the same about you. I mean you can pretty much guess how someone will look naked through their clothes, so I don’t think he has any surprises coming.

Second, if you are so unhappy about your body you are the only one that has the power to do something about it. Everytime you start to feel insecure about yourself go to the gym or something. Replace watching a daily tv show with heading to the gym. Honestly you only need to dedicate 20-30 mins a day to cardio at first and watch what you eat. Cut out pop, just drink water. Eliminate any empty calories you can. Eat lean meats with veggie sides. If you are comitted to change you can and will change. Good luck. Happy wedding day AND night to you!!

Post # 11
2602 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You’re sexy. I don’t have to see you or know your exact weight to tell you that. It’s true. Your Fiance wants to have sex with you. He has probably thought about it many, many times. He most likely watches your butt when you bend over and sneaks peeks down your shirt when he is able.

He’s also probably nervous. Guys have body issues, too. I remember a really attractive guy I knew years ago. I am talking weak-in-the-knees kind of attraction. His girlfriend at the time probably shouldn’t have told me this, but she did: He was afraid to take his shirt off in bed because he didn’t have a six pack. Nonetheless, this guy was wanted and admired by a lot of women.

Your Fiance loves you. You already know this. It doesn’t mean he loves you like a friend. It means he loves you like a wife.

Everyone’s first time is awkward. Everyone is shy. Get yourself some lingerie for your wedding night. It doesn’t have to be super revealing. Light candles. Candlelight is universally flattering. Most of all, relax. It will be memorable but probably not because the physical act is all that great. It takes time and practice for that to happen.

Stop telling your Fiance these things. It can damage your relationship over time. You’re also picking on someone he loves dearly – yourself.

Post # 12
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

If your weight bothered your FH, you would have known by now.  A 45 pound weight gain isn’t exactly something you can hide.  He’s obviously in love with you, otherwise he wouldn’t want to get married to you, and he’s obviously attracted to you, otherwise he wouldn’t want to have sex with you.  

When FH and I get married in October, we’ll have known each other for almost eight years.  In that eight years, I went from about 145 lbs at my lightest when we first met to about 196 lbs at my heaviest, which has been the last couple of years.  I’m at about 176 now and losing for the wedding and hoping to keep that weight down.  Point is, though, is that FH has loved me and wanted to be with me no matter what I weighed because he loved me, not my body.  I’m sure it’s the same way with your fiance.

If you really hate how you are, though, the only person who can change it is you.  Because you’re so close to the wedding, I’d suggest coming up with a plan after that.  No need to start starving yourself on top of the last minute wedding prep!

You’re going to be a beautiful bride and a beautiful wife, I just know it.

Post # 13
9549 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think you seem to be missing the most obvious part of this whole equation. 

He’s a guy. He’s going to get to have sex. For the first time. You could be painted blue and he probably wouldn’t notice. Seriously.

Plus – he keeps telling you that he thinks you’re beautiful. Why don’t you believe him or trust his words?!?

If your guy tripped on his shoelaces and caem to your wedding night with giant scrapes all over him – would you rather have sex with some random hot guy? Or would you still prefer the man you married? Seriously. The person is way more important than the body.

So. I am in no way worried about your guy having a fantastic time. I am a bit worried that you may not have a very good time if you’ve got all these body hang ups. You need to get comfortable with your body. Think about your best features. You know you have them. Big eyes? Busty chest? Beautiful hair? Grabbable ass? What are you proud of? Focus on that. And once things get going. Just try to get out of your own head. Enjoy how things are feeling. Because there is nothing sexier than a woman enjoying her own sexuality. Trust me. If you’re feeling good and look like it, he’ll be drooling uncontrolably. 


Post # 14
18641 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

@JenGirl:  Exactly!  When you are having sex with a man, all he is thinking is that he is having sex, not fat rolls or extra weight.

OP, you are beautiful.  Please don’t stress yourself out trying to crash diet and lose weight in less than a month.  If you want to lose weight later, you can do so in a healthy way.  For the first time, it’s perfectly fine if you want to stay under a blanket or in the dark since it’s an awkward experience anyway and it’s nothing like the movies!

Try to relax and just enjoy the feelings!

Post # 15
810 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

As a person with an eating disorder, you NEED to stop this behavior before it further damages you. You need to trust your Fiance, he is a man, he is excited that he gets to have sex with YOU! I agree with other posters about making a lifestyle change after the wedding for yourself. I also recommend seeing a therapist for your body image issues. These things skew our perception. Read this post again imagine you are someone else. What advice would you give?

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