Post # 1
I have a dilemma. I want the honest advice of women who have made it to where I’d love to be in the next year or so…engaged. (Of course with the right person). Anyhoo, I met a man who I’ve been out on two dates with, 2 more scheduled already lol. He’s handsome, super smart, easy to talk to and we have so much fun together. The attraction between us is very high. The problem I have is that even though he hasn’t tried anything other than an amazing kiss on date 2 (and I keep our dates in public spaces haha) he mentions sex a lot.
He was married before a few years ago and is 4 years older (I’m 29, he’s 33 this weekend). Its confusing because we talk about all kinds of other things too, science, medicine, health, books, tv shows, music you name it! Great conversations…I really like him lol. but a)I’m not really ready to be talking about sex because I’m just getting to know him b) I feel a very very strong sexual attraction for him on top of the other things, but I don’t want to cloud what could end up being a great relationship with sex before I truly get to know him. I’m not sure how or when to broach the subject…always something I struggle with. Is it best to be assertive or playful with that kind if thing? Should I continue to keep him away from my home lol? Should I tell him everything I think about this lol??
He makes it clear that he wants something longer term too. After our 2nd date he sent a text that night saying how much he looked forward to many more wonderful days/evenings with me…aw! Lol.
For the weddingbees who made him wait…did you talk about it or non-verbally communicate it wasn’t happening until you were ready? Thanks for the advice!
Post # 2
If you don’t tell him, he isn’t going to stop talking about it. He’s a man. Tell him how you feel!
Of course, my now Fiance & I talked about sex. I told him I wanted to wait a few months…ya, it was more like a month. Ha. Anyways, he had no issues with it because he was respectful.
Post # 3
You need to be up front with him. Tell him that although you do feel that strong sexual attraction, that you really want to wait until you feel comfortable. It’s as simple as that!
And going to your house should NOT be an indication that you want to sleep with him. That’s something else you have to make very clear to him.
You’ve only been on 2 dates so I think on date 4 you should broach this subject. At that point you will have been talking for quite a while.
I don’t think you should be afraid to be at his place or yours. You just need to make sure you set your boundaries and make it clear to him.
Post # 4
Men look for sex and find love
Women look for love and find sex
My point? It is in his nature to want sex. It is up to you to establish your boundaries based on your choices and words. If he is truly into you, he will respect whatever boundaries you may have.
Post # 5
I’d talk to him. Honesty is the best policy here. Not only that, but he should know what page you’re on, so that he can be on it with you. Even though he mentions sex, he may well be of the same opinion as you. It’s soo important to find someone you’re compatible with when it comes to sex. For some this means holding out until marriage, for others this means having sex before you’re even officially dating.
Other than that, I’m glad you’ve found someone you like and care for. Enjoy it! Let us know how you get on.
Post # 6
Next time he brings up sex, I’d calmly tell him that I’m not willing to talk about sex right now because that is not a part of how we relate to each other right now. I’d take the same approach with finances, medications, politics, family concerns, or any other subject that I consider more private and set apart for later down the road discussions, should we cross that bridge.
ladywquestions: , iow, don’t stress about playing some cards close to the vest and don’t hesitate to disclose now what hands you’re willing to play.
Post # 7
I agree with telling him. If you don’t, you two are already starting off on different pages and you are setting yourself up for a disappointment on both ends. When I met my Fiance I was honest upfront about my comfort levels and he respected that.
Post # 8
ladywquestions: I didn’t make my Darling Husband wait long, but I did go back to his place a few times and went home and spent the night at least once with no (serious) action.
I think you need to set your expectations up front. You don’t have to commit to a timeline (unless marriage is your timeline) but telling him that you want to wait until you’ve had a chance to get to know each other better is completely reasonable.
Post # 9
Thanks so much for all of your responses! You all are amazing.
Post # 10
I think you should tell him. It is normal for people to think about sex, but I think it is telling if he is mentioning often so early. It suggests that you have different values.
I think it is very unlikely you are compatible in your values. He may be willing to wait. As someone who chose to wait, the men who meantioned sex early on got tired irritable after less than four months. In my opinion, if your values don’t align, move on.
Note: I have heard quite a few men say they are willing to wait for a lady, but will go outside in the meantime.
Post # 11
I was upfront with my now husband about not wanting to have sex before marriage. We did do other things but never went the whoke way.
Post # 12
Since he’s already brought up his interest in sex, it’s only fair that you’re honest with him. Waiting to let him know the truth has no benefits, whereas withholding something that could be a dealbreaker could just be wasting both your time and his. What would be the benefit of not telling him sooner rather than later?
Post # 13
winstonchurchill: I want to have sex with him…believe me. My experience has been that if I sleep with someone the relationship growth kinda stalls. He seems to be different but I just want to be sure and let it happen when I feel like I’m in a relationship yknow? The man is hotttt though lol.
Post # 14
If he is going to have a problem waiting then wouldn’t you rather know before you get more invested in him? I would hate to fall in love with someone who isn’t going to work out long term.
Post # 15
What does he talk about when he talks about sex? Is he referring to the two of you? To other people? Is he making crude jokes? I just can’t imagine why, within only 2 dates, he talks about sex so much.
I didn’t want to have sex with my bf straight away. I didn’t have a timeline on it, but just wanted to wait until I felt ready. I brought it up when I had to stay over at his place due to travel logstics after a date, so that seemed like a perfectly natural time to be clear on the matter. Other than that we never spoke about sex at all prior to actually sleeping together – so I just find what you say about him a little odd, unless he’s the kind to be making crude refrences, which would just put me right off.