(Closed) Sex, waiting until I'm ready and marriage

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 16
2121 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

ladywquestions:  sex doesn’t always stall a relationship. A lot of the time those people were never after anything long term anyway. Some people have sex on the first or second date and go on to live happily ever after. As long as you’re both open and honest, nobody will get hurt and you’ll both be on the same page.

Post # 17
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Hawksnest Cove Beach St John USVI

I told Darling Husband that I wanted to wait for sex until we knew each other better. He totally respected that, and waited until I said I was ready. If you are truly wanting to wait until marriage, you should tell him sooner rather than later. For him, if he’s not willing to wait it’s better to find out earlier so you don’t get attached and can find someone who shares your desires or is willing to wait because you’re worth it!

I learned in dating there are certain things that were deal breakers and I didn’t want to waste my time with someone who I knew wouldn’t work out with in the end-particularly if your goal is marriage. 

Post # 20
3021 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Honestly, I don’t find sex to be an awkward subject…I find no reason not to discuss it as early on as possible.

When I decided to date, I knew I wasn’t interested in anything that wasn’t going to have serious intentions to my definition. I also didn’t want to waste my time or their time if they were looking for something sexual that I wasn’t at the time. 

Ive always been upfront and it’s given me a good judgement on whether the person was right to pursue or to not go forth with. I was honest in that I never had sex and wasn’t going to quickly…and could potentially decide id want to wait for marriage (wasn’t sure but also didn’t want them having the impression something may happen). I always made it known that if that was an issue then it was fine to just remain friends. I told my fiancé on our first date. He wasn’t scared away…he wasn’t quite prepared to be with a virgin because he thought I may decide I wanted to see what other people were like down the road. However, he basically made sure that we’d only do what I wanted to do when I felt ready to do it.

So, just be honest. You don’t have to be as detailed as I was. You can just say it’s too soon and you want to move slowly. Just don’t feel pressured to do something you aren’t ready for because that should tell you he’s not the right fit.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by  soymilk.
Post # 21
764 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Two fingers up your love canal? Are you sure he’s just not immature about sex? Sometimes it’s the dorky ones who say inappropriate things because they’re just awkward.

Post # 23
3470 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

ladywquestions:  He’s not a mind reader, unless you SAY something he’s never going to know how you’re feeling about it until your feelings are too negative to do anything about it.  You need to communicate to him that while you think you’ve got great chemistry, and are enjoying getting to know him, sex is still a long way off.  Chances are he’s bringing it up because he’s trying to get a read on where you stand (not necessarily pushing one way or another, but guys need guidelines because girls can go any number of ways on this topic) give him a hand and be open and honest with him about where you stand on the topic.  

You can do it in a fun and playful way, but you need to be clear and firm about how you feel on the topic.  Keep in mind no matter how great the chemistry, he doesn’t know you that well yet, so any non-verbal signals can easily get lost in communication, and “I’m not ready for sex” can just as easily be “I’m just not that into you” which definitely isn’t the message you want to be sending.  

Post # 24
940 posts
Busy bee

ladywquestions:  I was a Virgin when I started dating my husband. I was 19 and I was ready to take that step. I was upfront and honest with him. We dated for 3 months before finally having sex. I don’t regret it. I was lucky because I was with someone who was patient and kind. Not all men will bolt of they aren’t getting any right away. Darling Husband said that’s what made me special to him. He appreciated that I made him wait. Still to this day he’s never said anything different. He’s told other women that it made him respect me more then he’s ever respected any other womem. I’ll take that 🙂 11 years later I must have done something right. We’re still married and still happy 

Post # 25
883 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Church and University

Absolutely have the conversation with him.  When my Darling Husband and I started dating (he was divorced, I was widowed, and we were obviously “seasoned”, lol) the first time he invited me to his house I told him that I really didn’t want to have sex for awhile…I really didn’t want to rush into it and it was a firm belief of mine that I wasn’t willing to compromise on.  

He completely understood and it was the best thing ever.  We lasted four months….lol! But yes, that conversation HAD to happen for me to relax in all other situations.

Post # 26
6779 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I waited until marriage and I was always very upfront about that decision.  In this day and age, most people expect sex.  That’s how it is and it’s not going to change anytime soon, I’m sure.  But I had some values of my own that were important and I wasn’t going to let them go.  I dated one guy who clearly thought I’d just change my mind down the road, and he wasn’t upset about waiting for that.  Ulitimately I decided that, among other things, meant he didn’t really respect my personal values or believe that they mattered to me.  That’s a dealbreaker.  

The man I married had the same core values, and for the same reasons (which had nothing to do with religion, just practicality and a ‘fear’ of medical contraceptives).  If you value waiting until marriage and he’s wanting sex by date three (is he just mentioning it to feel you out, or is he trying to get some?) then you’re probably not all that compatible in your core values.  Neither of you is wrong, but it will be necessary to either compromise or move on.  Our compromise for ourselves, because we were waiting a long time, was plenty of ‘safe enough’ fooling around, no intercourse.  That way we knew when the time came we were sexually compatible, which a lot of people worry about.  

Just make sure you don’t tell him one thing and then give in – stay strong to your personal beliefs or everything is up for negotiation.

ETA: love canal?  Ick and really weird convo after just two dates, IMO

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by  skunktastic.
Post # 27
460 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2006

Definitely talk to him early on and be clear about your expectations. I didnt want to have sex before marriage and I was upfront with my husband about it at the time. It was a choice he had to make, whether i was worth waiting for or not. My choice was made. He respected it and it was clear that it wasn’t going to happen. We’ve been married almost 10 years 🙂

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