(Closed) Sex….fight with FI

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

This won’t solve ALL your problems, but I thought I’d offer it anyway: Personally, I can’t stand when Fiance starts rubbing up against me the second I get home from work. My mind is still there. I need to relax before I can even think about being intimate. And to be honest, if he tries it right away, I know I’m not doing it for the rest of the night. Period. It’s just done for me. So – that’s a thing. Give him a bit to relax after work, but don’t wait until you’re three minutes from bedtime. Strike a balance.

As for him straight up asking about sex, I also had that problem with Fiance. I told him, straight up, ‘when you bring it up, it turns me off. I don’t like to have to THINK about it, like it’s a chore or a scheduled event. I much prefer when it just happens.’ I suggested that he just try to ‘show me’ when he wants it, instead of verbalizing it. (Much the same way you seem to be doing with your Fiance, so good for you!) It helped.

Lastly, please remember that the two of you are different people with different needs. Try to compromise, in terms of when and how much sex you have. Have a discussion about it, for example Saturday afternoon, when your out in the yard working or something – somewhere completely sex neutral. People tend to think that their sex lives should be the same as they were when they first got together, and for a lot of people (not everyone), that simply doesn’t happen and you need to work at it, just like every other aspect of your relationship.

 

Good luck!

 

 

Post # 4
Member
1285 posts
Bumble bee

My exhusband used to ask me for sex…like a 5 year old boy asking for a piece of candy. Really?  Such a turn off, agreed!  he never initiated sex either – niether did I. That was a huge problem in our marriage, and lack of.   I told my Fiance from the start to never ask me for sex, just do it…except for when I’m on my period. LOL

 

Just be open with him like pp said.  

Post # 7
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@jesssamesssa:  LOL yeah men are kind of clueless in that way … Obviously we don’t like to schedule it haha.

 

The only thing I can suggest on the whole ‘you never initiate sex’ ‘yes i do’ ‘when was the last time then’ front is again, tell him you don’t SCHEDULE IT or COMMIT IT TO YOUR MEMORY every single time because it makes it analytical and takes all of the fun out of it. Expecting you to remember dates and times of the last time you attempted to initiate it is in the same category is blatantly asking for it. So, like I said, try to gently bring all of these things up in a sex-neutral zone.

I do hope it works out for you. You’ll notice that a lot of Bees (I assume a lot of women, period) have sex related issues. I am also one of them, but I certainly don’t want to threadjack … just want to tell you what we’ve figured out during our relationship in terms of communication and sex.

 

 

Post # 9
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@jesssamesssa:  Good luck! Hope everything works out for you. Try to keep the emotions out of it if possible… the first few times Fiance and I talked about it it ended up with me crying and him apologizing, so not terribly productive 😛

Post # 10
Member
638 posts
Busy bee

@jesssamesssa:  well, I tried the rubbing and kissing of the neck initiaiton. Seriously not as effective as just getting on and jumping his bones! You can’t be angry if he doesn’t respond, just the way that he can’t be angry if you don’t respond. But he can’t say you never initiated! Guys need more hints than just neck kissing.

 

Post # 11
Member
1791 posts
Buzzing bee

@princesslettuce14:  +1

Neck kissing isnt necesarily sexual for men. Be a tad more assertive when youre trying to initiate it. You know you gotta make it elementary for them, they cant always see our signals.

Post # 12
Member
1193 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@jesssamesssa:  maybe be more aggresive with your approach…grab his package, start undressing him, something like that! ask him what initiating in means to him. It’s obvious you two have different ideas on what “intiating” it is

Post # 13
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

oh my husband does something similar. he’ll be uninterested in whatever im doing- he’ll be watching tv, playing PS3 or whatever. ill try to kiss talk or cuddle and he’ll sort of absent mindedly pat me on the arm and go back to what hes doing  then the second i turn off lights and say im going to bed…he wants sex.

for me, turning off lights means ‘i am going to sleep, NOW. i am exhausted, all other activites off the table”.

for him, it means ‘its bedtime. so now we can talk about our days/cuddle/have sex” and hes genuinely surprised when i kiss him on the cheek turn over and go to sleep.

even though ive explained this to him he still doesnt really get it. so i initiate earlier in the day if im in the mood – grab his package as pp said haha, or whatever. 

Post # 15
Member
6699 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011 - Baby boy 12/2015

@jesssamesssa:  You sound the exact same opposite of me. I am the one almost always seeking after it. It gets tiring. I want him to be more aggresive and seek after me, and I still don’t know how to make that happen per say. 

Post # 16
Member
6699 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011 - Baby boy 12/2015

@luvmesumhim:  This works for me every time. I am not afraid to be the aggresive one 🙂 

The topic ‘Sex….fight with FI’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors