(Closed) Sexless Honeymoon (TMI?)

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
3402 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Payless:  Did he give you a solid reason for turning down the med for his low T?

That, to me, would be the most upsetting. If his lack of sex drive is hurting his wife that much, & he can do something medical about it, why would he refuse?

Post # 5
3402 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Payless:  Yes, I can see that it must be a sensitive topic if he doesn’t want to have it confirmed that something real is just not quite right.

I think, ultimately, it comes down to how much he wants it fixed. He might have to swallow the shame/sadness of having the doc confirm it. It’s helpful to remember that if he goes to the doctor, the doc will confirm that something is wrong once, give him the meds, & the next time he sees him he should be perfectly fine & sexually active. He will only have his fears confirmed once, & then it will become a non-issue.

Post # 7
4495 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Has he seen a doctor at all to rule out any other health issues that could be causing him to have a low sex drive? That is a really common symptom for a lot of different problems.

I can understand him being super hesitant about it. Admitting this “problem” takes quite a blow at his masculinity. But I can see how it would really wear at your feelings/confidence, too. Have you told him how it makes you feel about yourself? Its not fair to you to have to go through your marriage, let alone your wedding night, like that. I think you need to sit down and attempt a really open heart to heart with him.

Post # 9
3639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

You’re not just doing this for him, you are doing it for yourself as well – perhaps it’s time to act on “if you want something done right, do it yourself”.

Make the appointment, tell him about it and drive him to it. Then he can’t say no. Perhaps even tell a white lie and say that you had to be pay before the appointment and if he doesn’t go or cancels then you lose that money. 

This sounds a bit extreme but people who say that “sex isn’t important” tend to be the same ones who would flip out if their SO ever had sex with another person – now tell me that sex isn’t important.

This will seep into other areas of your life and eat you from the inside. He needs to step up or you’re going to have to get your sex form elsewhere – his choice. 

Post # 11
3639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@Payless:  I don’t mean cheat. I mean have an open relationship. He can’t fulfil your sexual needs, needs which are real and should not be treated as lesser, but he can fulfil your emotional needs. So you would get your sexual needs met elsewhere.

It would be a mostly companionate marriage.

This most likely sounds crazy now, but if it continues for another 5 years and he continues to not do anything to help either of you, then this is what I’d be laying on the table. 

I’m not saying that you hide the appointment from him and SURPRISE, doctors! I’m saying you take all the work out of it so that his laziness can’t get in the way “Make the appointment, tell him about it and drive him to it”.

Is he open to counselling? Find a sex positive therapist and explore thus, it sounds mental as well as physical. 


Post # 12
12248 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Your Darling Husband needs a therapist first, then a doctor when he can handle it.

Post # 14
850 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Payless:  I know you want to have a nice a honeymoon, but have you considered re-adjusting your expecations about it and looking at your SOs problem as a long-term challenge that you’ll have to work on together? It could take months, but there’s no timeline for this kind of thing.

I know that for many, honeymoons = sex, but it doesn’t have to be that way! You can be intimate without sex and I think it’s pretty darn romantic to get away together and explore a new place. I’m sure your SOs feeling enormous pressure with the honeymoon coming up and it could be really helpful to have a discussion about taking the pressure off one another. What are the non-sexual ways you can make each other feel attractive and loved? Perhaps a no-pressure, “we’re a team” approach would help him have the confidence to get to those appointments. I agree with PPs – involving a therapist would be a really good idea because in addition to the medical impact of low T, it’s likely that there’s psychological impact on the both of you. Be kind to yourselves and one another. This is a tough thing but you can get through it together.

Post # 15
384 posts
Helper bee

So it sounds like he needs to go to the doctors for T replacement. It will help his sperm count too. Talk to your doctor about what options are available for T replacement. I know alot of men dont like doctors but you need to really get him to go for you. Maybe say that your really concerned about his happiness and that you love him so much. You think he should go to the doctors and if he would like you would go with him. You are the support team for him and because of that you want to look after him and help him with his needs.

Post # 16
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

i would frame him getting help in a mascuine way. ie that taking control of problems, facing them head on, being strong and reaching out for help when needed are masculine things to do, that men taking care of themselves and their families is an attractive and strong quality etc. 

explain that him taking control of his health and seeking a solution is the manliest thing to do – he will literally be making an appointment that will lead to having sex with his wife – tell him that’s hyper masculine! 

try and frame this in a way that demonstrates that him getting help etc is taking control and solving a problem. that might help him feel more in control and like this is a problem that is solveable by HIM, putting him in a position of control rather than the helpless patient.

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