Post # 1
I don’t want to be too graphic or Too Much Information focused here, but this is a topic that I’ve debated asking about for a long time…
Are any bees out there in a sexless (or very sex-light) relationship without intentionally choosing to abstain? My fiance and I have been together for over five years now, and we’ve gotten to the point where we have sex less than once a month on average. We’re young (25), and I have an active drive, but he very rarely seems to be up for it (no pun intended). I told him the most recent time that we discussed it that I think we have every type of love but sexual. We’re great friends, wonderful playmates, intellectual partners, and comfortable companions, but our passionate life is nearly nonexistent anymore.
If you’re in a relationship like this, or have been, how did you fix it? I don’t want to be shallow, but I’m starting to worry (as I have in the past) that this could be a deal breaker for me. 🙁 I don’t want to live the next 50 years of my life feeling like I’m not desired.
Any advice you have, here or through PM, is MORE than welcome. Thanks in advance!
Post # 3
I don’t want to answer to graphically, so I will try my best!
I’ve heard that there are natural cycles in a relationship. Maybe you need to figure out what he likes. Find out what turns him on, and see if it helps at all.
Or, force yourselves to be intimate. Plan a day when you two can be together and try something new (like edible massage oil!)
Post # 4
We’ve gone through bouts of "light" due to conflicting work-schedules…I was leaving for work when he was getting home…so we talked about it…I had been feeling "undesired"…when in reality it was just coz he was tired when I was awake & vice-versa. We each had to make the effort instead of waiting for the other one to make the first move…I started taking a later train so we had time "together"…he came straight home instead of stopping at McD’s to grab breakfast. Once we talked about it, it was like a weight lifted off our shoulders and making the effort on both our sides put us back on a happy schedule again.
Post # 5
According to the widely Bee- touted 5 love languages book (A+) , it is common to express love in different styles and yours may be Physical. Perhaps reading the book together might help him to understand how important physical closeness is to you. I understand how you feel because it is my primary love language too but not for all women. Definitely a dealbreaker for me, too. Best of Luck, kisses
Post # 6
In my experience, whether or not you can realisticly have passion in a relationship long-term depends on whether or not it was there / how long it was there in the beginning of the relationship. Assuming that a spark was there for the first 6 months or so (at least), start acting like you’re dating again. Don’t be available all the time (have a lot of outside plans), wear cute clothes (instead of sweats around the house all of the time), don’t spend a lot of time complaining or talking about your problems, be feminine, etc. Sometimes when you spend so much time with your guy, its easy to not act very "sexy" or hard to get, and for some relationships, that can have a huge effect on sex life.
Post # 7
We’re not, but I would think that maybe spending a day doing something intimate (getting a couples’ massage) or going on a short getaway is in order! I know you two are doing ALOT of things right now and sometimes stressors can be a passion killer.
What about a counseling session? Maybe opening up some dialogue on the subject might help solve things?
Wishing you both love and nothing but the best.
Post # 8
Sex is such an important part of a relationship. Even if you are not having it regularly, it needs to be had! I know it sounds hard, but you have to find ways to initiate. Have you ever thought that maybe HE thinks the same way you do…that its YOU that he thinks doesn’t want the sex?? Have you discussed this openly with him? Tell him what you like and ask him what he likes! About every 6 months I have a new fave position, and I make sure to tell him that! I’m sure you guys will figure it out, but you need to be honest with one another 🙂
Post # 9
After reading your post, I feel like I wrote it. My husband and I are in a similar predicament. Sometimes I worry we’re turning into "friend-friends," not a married couple. I don’t feel undesired, it’s just our spark isn’t there anymore. In fact, a few nights ago it was like my husband was nervous. We talked about it, and he eventually got over the nervousness (it had been awhile..)
I read that it helps to start having sex everyday- a year ago we tried this- and it actually worked. Regardless of our work schedules, we would make time- even if we only had ten minutes. Granted, we stopped after awhile because we were separated by the military- I guess we just have to recommit! You may want to try it.
Post # 10
We are "light" but it is because of our schedules right now. My Fiance works the overnight shift at the hospital and we have not had any days off together in a while. So, we try to be intimate when we can. If we have an hour together a day, we would rather catch up and snuggle than rush through sex. I know it sounds terrible…but it’s true!
We’ve also been together 8 years so know that when we have time and energy we will get back into it. We have definitely had periods when we are intimate very often and other times where it is less frequent (and by less frequent I mean less than once a week). I think it is really important in a relationship to be intimate but even more important to be vocal about why you are not up for being intimate, etc.
The truth is, I think most people slow down after they have been together for a few years. I think it only natural and if you can talk about it, it’s fine!
You’ll pick back up soon!
Post # 11
I can speak from the experience of being in a relationship for, oh goodness, almost ten years. Somewhere between 2-4 years, the newness of the relationship wears off. That means you have to work harder to get things moving and grooving. Talk about what you can do to change things up. and it doesn’t necessarily involve a french maid’s outfit etc. Maybe it’s just going to a different restaurant, or a romantic movie. Maybe it’s finding a different room in your house for sex. It seems like more times than not, the girl is the one who needs some extra "encouragement" like foreplay. But maybe in your case, he needs it?? You won’t know until you ask him. Or if he doesn’t know, maybe he should make an appointment with his doctor. Good luck.
Post # 12
Bee readers, prepare for the baseball analogy of a lifetime!
I think you should plan a date where you round the bases. I think a lot of times people get to this point because when they go up to bat, they hit a home run and just dance on homeplate without rounding the bases. Kinda misses the point, you know? (I hope you’re following the analogy…) My Fiance and I will periodically remind each other to round the bases. We also make a point to just hit a double sometimes, switch it up a bit. Make it not predictable. Will it end with an RBI? Who knows! That’s how it should always be, but for some reason when we get into long term relationships we always try to land on home plate. That would be a really boring baseball game. And it’s no fun in sex either!
I hope that wasn’t too confusing…
Post # 13
I really don’t think that this problem has any quick fixes. I think you both need to see a psychologist. Sex is a very (very!) important part of a relationship. I knew it was time to call it quits with my previous long-term boyfriend when I no longer wanted to have sex with him. Therapy did not work, I just wasn’t attracted to him anymore (I think therapy helped me realize that). It is possible that there are some hormonal issues at work here. Has he seen a doctor?
I wish you the best of luck on figuring it out. *hugs*
Post # 14
I think you need to sit down and have an honest conversation w/your fiancee about your needs, and how it makes you feel that he is not fulfilling them. I don’t think it’s shallow at all to want a great sex life, and it would be a deal-breaker for me as well. I think it’s something that can definitely improve if you talk about it, but something on which you should not have to compromise.
Post # 15
Ah…I love it when we play who’s on first? What’s on second?
Great analogy MS!
I think before the bases are rounded, first there has to be some intimacy. Something. Maybe even something to break out of your usual routine. New scenarios. New surroundings. New smells. new situations.
How about taking him to a restaurant and only having appetizers or tapas? Reconnect emotionally to him. Wear something sultry and look directly into his eyes when you two talk.
I am a huge fan of the Harleys (Marriagebuilders site) and Dr. Harley has amazing tricks to re-ignite passion in marriages and long term relationships. His principles helped my two friends, the encore couple, re-ignite their passions and remarry!
One of their principles is the 15 hour a week deal. That’s where you spend 15 hours a week doing something you both like together. Something fun and stress free. That CREATES the atmosphere for intimacy to begin again.
I think Dr. Harley’s approach is more innovative than the love languages approaches because it’s very very specific. Plus there are many marriage builder counselors available for couples’ counsling across the country.
Check them out! http://www.marriagebuilders.com
T and I are doing "His Needs/Her Needs " very soon. It is an AMAZING and fabulous tool for keeping the fires stoked and the bonds tight.
Post # 16
I don’t want to get all in your business, but have you talked to him about why he doesn’t seem to be as interested in you? Does he always expect you to initiate it? And do you try to keeps things fresh and change stuff up. Sometimes you hit valleys because things are boring in the bedroom and they need to be spiced up. Talk to him about his turn ons and express yours. Does he like lingerie, does he like it better during certain times in the day, etc?
I have to say, I would feel really unwanted it we were as light as you and I would be really worried about us and about whether he was possibly getting it elsewhere. If we were that light, it would also be a dealbreaker for me. Just as an idea, he’s 26 and I’ll be 25 next month and next month we will have been together for 6 years…so we are in similar places in our relationships.
Oh, and I’ve also heard that men hit their sexual prime around 18 (or somewhere around there), then it goes downhill from there. As for women, I’ve heard they hit their prime in either their 30s or 40s so that also might play a part in it because you are still climbing up the mountain and he’s already heading down.