Post # 1
Does anyone have significant other that always talks about sexual things that you just can’t get into ?
I just want to preface that there is nothing wrong with anyone that does these or nothing wrong with my husband for wanting them – but it’s something that I don’t feel comfortable with at all.
my husband all the time during sex, talks about me “taking him in the a**.” This is something I just am NOT comfortable with at all , at all. The bum region ( maybe due to my IBS history ) is something I just don’t even like to talk about –
BUt he brings it up everytime during sex. Sometimes I’ll talk about it a few times / rare, because I know he likes it( which I know I shouldn’t if it doesn’t make me comfortable but he would never force me etc) but everytime during sex he brings up the a** area / taking him there / ask him to finger there
Its not soemthing im comfortable with Nor do I think wil ever be. I’m adventurous in other areas, hope to think I’m not boring in the bedroom and up for some fun – but the bum region is a no for me. So that’s why it worries me/ frustrates me when he always brings it up. Also, half the time during sex, he’s talking about this … not what I like, or my fantasies, But what he likes. There is nothing wrong with having fantasties … but if it’s something you’re not comfortable with, can you just tell him to keep it to himself ? I just don’t know
He just sent me a picture of a strap on as gift idea for Father’s Day and I finally broke down / got upset a little and told him how I feel. He says he was “joking” when he saw how I felt/ but he wasn’t. Again no judging anyone else for what they enjoy, but if this is something that really makes you uncomfortable and your husband keeps bringing it / talks about during sex( you taking him with a strap on ) , wanting you to finger him in that area and sending you strap on links to buy…. all which make you feel umcomfortable- I just don’t know what to say or do right now.
this has been up and down snd talked about for a few years now and it goes away and comes back – but he always had a way about working it back in the bedroom ( maybe hoping I’ll change )
sorry for the long post – has anyone dealt with this in their relationship ? Their partner into something they’re not into /comfortable with but their partner keeps bringing it up over the years and it becomes constant / all the time in the bedroom.
Post # 2
You’re entitled to lay out hard boundaries you have. Part of being a good spouse is honoring those boundaries. Whether he’s joking or not, he keeps bringing it up, which I know isn’t funny to you. In that sense, his behavior isn’t good.
State it bluntly: “That is not something I am into and I won’t ever be open to it. The idea is repugnant to me, partly because of the IBS. I need you to stop bringing it up because it isn’t a joking matter to me.” This not only gives him no further conversation openings (and NO pun intended with that one), but makes it clear that you aren’t taking the repeated requests well.
ANYTHING constantly brought up that the other person is not open to is in poor taste. Not just sexual things. He isn’t fully respecting you and your decisions and that is basic human decency.
Post # 3
If I had clearly expressed to my husband that him talking about one of his fantasies in the bedroom was not comfortable for me and he persisted, sex would be off the table until he could articulate his understanding of it making me uncomfortable, how disrespectful it was of him to repeatedly push the subject, and a promise not to do it again.
If it happened again, the sexual encounter would be over the second the words came out of his mouth. Therapy would be his next and only option at that stage.
A good sexual relationship requires mutual respect, and he clearly doesn’t have much respect for you, OP.
Post # 4
I agree with what you said.
OP, did you have conversations about these sexual preferences when you were dating or is this new since you got married?
Post # 5
I wouldn’t use the word “repugnant “, as to me that’s veering into kink shaming.
Do you think it’s possible there are some mixed signals? You said that you have participated in this talk in the past, so maybe you need to consider a sit down discussion (not before or after sex, and not when either of you is emotionally charged/angry) where you make your feelings clear as well as your expectations/needs.
I do think it’s worth considering if there’s a way to compromise on this. I totally understand if you are not comfortable with him touching you there, but could you be comfortable talking about doing it to him if there was an understanding it was only ever talk? Or could you consider being involved while he uses a toy on himself?
Post # 6
And I don’t want to make it seem either that it’s “rapungent ” to everyone or that it’s “wrong” where it’s definitly not- just not something myself I am not comfortable with.
I know this is something he loves but if you have an actual disease with that area so all thoughts truly gonig to that area were correlated with years of pain ( and many hospital visits )and it just truly sends shivers down your spine – even though that’s something he enjoys , should I force myself to do something for him even though everything to do with the anal area is just not something for me ?
we’ve been together over 15 years and that’s a long time and interests change and grow etc. I will say the last 8 or so years, he has definitly shown interest in this area while I have always let him know how he feels. I don’t feel as I’ve let him in as sometimes I go along with to make him feel good but again, it’s not been “led on”- truly on the other aspect agreeing with others, since this is something I’ve made my voice clear on for a long time, it shouldn’t truly be brought up continually. I once found lots of guy – on-guy / in the anal region sex porn, on his phone years ago …. so I know this anal fantasy is truly a big thing for him …
But it is just not for me. And that should be okay too. I am pretty adventurous in the bedroom / don’t consider myself boring / Like to spice it up etc. – but I also believe that if there is something you are not comfortable with ( ie. for my me- strap on for him/anal play), you shouldn’t need to confron
Post # 7
to be clear, I didn’t say you lead him on, I was just asking if you thought it was possible he may not understand your feelings entirely given you have gone along with it in the past. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Since it’s not something you’re at all willing to consider, then yes. I think you need to sit down and tell him it is absolutely never on the table and you will not be discussing it or joking about it anymore. And if he can’t respect that, then sex is off the table too.
Post # 8
I apologize for my choice of word. There are obviously many synonyms you can use instead that wouldn’t sound quite as harsh.
Post # 9
Can an “imcompatability” in the bedroom, where one is interested ( highly so ) in anal sex( with himself mostly )/ strap on play etc. and that other is not… can this make or break it in the bedroom ? Sorry just feeling emotional tonight and stressed
Post # 10
I just wonder if you were into something he wasn’t, would you still feel the same? This is the thing that turns you on the most, your partner participated in dirty talk, and all of a sudden they call you ‘repugnant’ for it?? That seems really unfair. Also, I’m not sure how your ibs should impact anyone else’s anus? I 100% get not wanting play with yours, but that doesn’t really seem to extend to anyone else’s body.
What if there was some sort of plug situation? You wouldn’t need to be ‘actively’ involved, but could be some sort of compromise. I think there’s a lot of grey area for compromise.
Post # 11
But, honestly, what matters more? Respecting your spouse or getting to actualize your own kinks? I’d like to think that if she was super into something her husband isn’t that she would respect him enough to drop it. Marriage isn’t about getting everything you want. She doesn’t want it, so she isn’t consenting.
OP, I don’t think you need to compromise. If my husband wanted to do anything I was uncomfortable with I would say “I am not comfortable with x,y, and z. When you bring it up during sex, it’s a turn off. Please don’t bring it up again because I won’t be participating.” You don’t need to talk about your IBS or anything. You don’t need an explanation. Maybe it’s because I am a victim of sexual abuse but you should do NOTHING in the bedroom you aren’t comfortable with. Who cares if that makes you totally vanilla and boring in the bedroom? Consent matters above all else.
Post # 12
I don’t disagree with you! Consent above all else for sure. But I do think that being married and committed to someone for the rest of your life, that you want to find common ground. There are ways for him to be satisfied without harming her. That’s what I suggested they explore. Nothing wrong with exploring various things in sex even as an established married couple.
Post # 13
For us, yes we do have some incompatibility. He loves the idea of a threesome and I am pretty sure I will *never* feel comfortable with it, and I have some things I would be curious about/into that he doesn’t seem much interested in. We are actually fairly boring so idk. I hope one day we get a little more adventurous but I’m also not dissatisfied. Every once in a while he would bring it up, but usually I get veryyyyy emotional so he has learned not to anymore. I asked if there was anything else at all aside from a threesome that he might like, and he said not really. I wanted to at least see if there was something else he might like that I would feel comfortable doing. So perhaps you can do that?
Also, please forgive me if this is way off-base, but i am wondering if there is more to your feelings than just the ibs. For example, perhaps you worry that his strong interest in this activity could indicate he is gay or bisexual? (For the record, I’m not saying it means anything, but perhaps it’s an unconscious fear of yours?) Maybe you worry that he will like it too much and start seeking something more elsewhere, or only want to do that and begin neglecting sexual acts you prefer? Etc etc. I think it’s worth really digging more into *why* this bothers you so much, even if you know it is still very off-limits for you. Again, I could be completely wrong, but it could be a thought worth exploring!
Post # 14
Your husband needs to respect your boundaries. Period. Doesn’t matter if you’re receiving or giving.
He can engage in self anal play if it interests him that much.
Post # 15
I agree with posters who are wondering about possible ways to explore the grey area of this situation. I don’t think you need to do anything that reminds you of years of very unpleasant and painful experiences with your own body. I also don’t think that your husband needs to go his entire life not getting to explore something that sounds incredibly compelling for him because of your experiences.
So what compromises are available here? 1- he just sucks it up and never meets this need and never talks about it (one end of the spectrum on this conversation and what it sounds like you hope to be the outcome) 2- you explore alternative roads and options together. 3- you explore alternative roads and options individually. 4 – you suck it up and meet his need to talk about it and/or physically explore this arena in spite of your feelings about it. (the other end of the spectrum here)
Personally, I think options 1 and 4 should be off the table and then you honestly discuss what could possibly happen with options 2 or 3. What are each of your non negotiable boundaries and what can happen while respecting those? Maybe, as a PP said, he can look into anal play with butt plugs and things he can do on his own. Maybe he can find a kink community where he can verbalize those fantasies without shame. Maybe there’s something else that the two of you can come up with together.