Sexual bedroom differences between husband and I

posted 1 month ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
829 posts
Busy bee

You’re entitled to lay out hard boundaries you have.  Part of being a good spouse is honoring those boundaries.  Whether he’s joking or not, he keeps bringing it up, which I know isn’t funny to you.  In that sense, his behavior isn’t good.

State it bluntly: “That is not something I am into and I won’t ever be open to it.  The idea is repugnant to me, partly because of the IBS.  I need you to stop bringing it up because it isn’t a joking matter to me.”  This not only gives him no further conversation openings (and NO pun intended with that one), but makes it clear that you aren’t taking the repeated requests well.

ANYTHING constantly brought up that the other person is not open to is in poor taste.  Not just sexual things.  He isn’t fully respecting you and your decisions and that is basic human decency.

Post # 3
Member
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

If I had clearly expressed to my husband that him talking about one of his fantasies in the bedroom was not comfortable for me and he persisted, sex would be off the table until he could articulate his understanding of it making me uncomfortable, how disrespectful it was of him to repeatedly push the subject, and a promise not to do it again. 

If it happened again, the sexual encounter would be over the second the words came out of his mouth. Therapy would be his next and only option at that stage. 

A good sexual relationship requires mutual respect, and he clearly doesn’t have much respect for you, OP. 

Post # 4
Member
4412 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
@bouviebee:  I agree with what you said.

OP, did you have conversations about these sexual preferences when you were dating or is this new since you got  married?

Post # 5
Member
4497 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I wouldn’t use the word “repugnant “, as to me that’s veering into kink shaming. 

Do you think it’s possible there are some mixed signals? You said that you have participated in this talk in the past, so maybe you need to consider a sit down discussion (not before or after sex, and not when either of you is emotionally charged/angry) where you make your feelings clear as well as your expectations/needs. 

I do think it’s worth considering if there’s a way to compromise on this. I totally understand if you are not comfortable with him touching you there, but could you be comfortable talking about doing it to him if there was an understanding it was only ever talk? Or could you consider being involved while he uses a toy on himself? 

 

  • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by saratiara2.
Post # 7
Member
4497 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@cherrymerlot:  to be clear, I didn’t say you lead him on, I was just asking if you thought it was possible he may not understand your feelings entirely given you have gone along with it in the past. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. 

Since it’s not something you’re at all willing to consider, then yes. I think you need to sit down and tell him it is absolutely never on the table and you will not be discussing it or joking about it anymore. And if he can’t respect that, then sex is off the table too. 

Post # 8
Member
829 posts
Busy bee

I apologize for my choice of word.  There are obviously many synonyms you can use instead that wouldn’t sound quite as harsh.

Post # 10
Member
729 posts
Busy bee

I just wonder if you were into something he wasn’t, would you still feel the same? This is the thing that turns you on the most, your partner participated in dirty talk, and all of a sudden they call you ‘repugnant’ for it?? That seems really unfair. Also, I’m not sure how your ibs should impact anyone else’s anus? I 100% get not wanting play with yours, but that doesn’t really seem to extend to anyone else’s body.

What if there was some sort of plug situation? You wouldn’t need to be ‘actively’ involved, but could be some sort of compromise. I think there’s a lot of grey area for compromise.

Post # 11
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

View original reply
@skuzzlebutt:  But, honestly, what matters more? Respecting your spouse or getting to actualize your own kinks? I’d like to think that if she was super into something her husband isn’t that she would respect him enough to drop it. Marriage isn’t about getting everything you want. She doesn’t want it, so she isn’t consenting. 

OP, I don’t think you need to compromise. If my husband wanted to do anything I was uncomfortable with I would say “I am not comfortable with x,y, and z. When you bring it up during sex, it’s a turn off. Please don’t bring it up again because I won’t be participating.” You don’t need to talk about your IBS or anything. You don’t need an explanation. Maybe it’s because I am a victim of sexual abuse but you should do NOTHING in the bedroom you aren’t comfortable with. Who cares if that makes you totally vanilla and boring in the bedroom? Consent matters above all else. 

  • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by fanshell.
Post # 12
Member
729 posts
Busy bee

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@fanshell:  I don’t disagree with you! Consent above all else for sure. But I do think that being married and committed to someone for the rest of your life, that you want to find common ground. There are ways for him to be satisfied without harming her. That’s what I suggested they explore. Nothing wrong with exploring various things in sex even as an established married couple. 

Post # 13
Member
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

For us, yes we do have some incompatibility. He loves the idea of a threesome and I am pretty sure I will *never* feel comfortable with it, and I have some things I would be curious about/into that he doesn’t seem much interested in. We are actually fairly boring so idk. I hope one day we get a little more adventurous but I’m also not dissatisfied. Every once in a while he would bring it up, but usually I get veryyyyy emotional so he has learned not to anymore. I asked if there was anything else at all aside from a threesome that he might like, and he said not really. I wanted to at least see if there was something else he might like that I would feel comfortable doing. So perhaps you can do that?

Also, please forgive me if this is way off-base, but i am wondering if there is more to your feelings than just the ibs. For example, perhaps you worry that his strong interest in this activity could indicate he is gay or bisexual? (For the record, I’m not saying it means anything, but perhaps it’s an unconscious fear of yours?) Maybe you worry that he will like it too much and start seeking something more elsewhere, or only want to do that and begin neglecting sexual acts you prefer? Etc etc. I think it’s worth really digging more into *why* this bothers you so much, even if you know it is still very off-limits for you. Again, I could be completely wrong, but it could be a thought worth exploring!

Post # 14
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Your husband needs to respect your boundaries. Period. Doesn’t matter if you’re receiving or giving. 

He can engage in self anal play if it interests him that much.

Post # 15
Member
7351 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I agree with posters who are wondering about possible ways to explore the grey area of this situation. I don’t think you need to do anything that reminds you of years of very unpleasant and painful experiences with your own body. I also don’t think that your husband needs to go his entire life not getting to explore something that sounds incredibly compelling for him because of your experiences.

So what compromises are available here? 1- he just sucks it up and never meets this need and never talks about it (one end of the spectrum on this conversation and what it sounds like you hope to be the outcome) 2- you explore alternative roads and options together. 3- you explore alternative roads and options individually. 4 – you suck it up and meet his need to talk about it and/or physically explore this arena in spite of your feelings about it. (the other end of the spectrum here)

Personally, I think options 1 and 4 should be off the table and then you honestly discuss what could possibly happen with options 2 or 3. What are each of your non negotiable boundaries and what can happen while respecting those? Maybe, as a PP said, he can look into anal play with butt plugs and things he can do on his own. Maybe he can find a kink community where he can verbalize those fantasies without shame. Maybe there’s something else that the two of you can come up with together.

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