Post # 1
First time posting on this sort of thing. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months. I’m 26 and he’s 28. We are very compatible, things are great, we have talked about marriage, and moving in with each other in the summer. Overall, I’m so happy.
However, amongst my high anxiety, I have a ton of guilt from my sexual past. It has been very colorful and I was able to experience a lot of things. However, I had a long term ex boyfriend that basically emotionally abused me over any sexual acts I’ve done that I now still carry that guilt and low self esteem into this relationship.
My current boyfriend has never asked of my sexual history nor i have of him. I thought I would hate that, but turns out I appreciate not having to talk about it. Anyways to my point. When we’re doing the deed, I can tell he’s not as experienced as me. I don’t want him to feel insecure. Sometimes I can tell he but he has said multiple times he doesn’t want to talk about either of our pasts. I also don’t want to bring it up in fear of making it worse for him. I just continue to compliment him and guide him gently. I carry so much guilt over my past, I sometimes even hate myself for having experiences and have nothing left to try new with him. I know I put him on a pedastal so I do exhaust myself trying to please him over diving deep into how I’m feeling about things. I just don’t know how to move past my past. My ex of 8 years was so horrible to me & it’s just so hard to understand if what I’m feeling is normal.
Sorry for the cluster of negativity… just curious if anyone has felt like this.
Post # 2
Hmm this is tough.
But I break it down it this:
You have a healthy sex life with a man you love
He is not as experienced as you, but doesn’t seem to care
You really care about pleasing him.
Those thigs, the new relationship, are great.
The problem is the damage and guilt you feel from.your past.
I don’t know how to get there. But being mindful and in the moment, with your new lover. Try to shut out all whispers of the past and focus on being in THIS precise moment.
The smells, the sights, textures, tastes, feelings.
The past is robbing you of enjoying your present. It is more about YOU learning to let it go. You aren’t dirty or damaged or unworthy or shameful. You deserve love and respect.
You are clearly very caring and attentive. Treat yourself with love, too.
Post # 3
bctoquebec: Thank you so much for the kind words. You’re right. It’s a process for me to learn. I think it truly breaks down into trying to make sure he is okay at all costs of my own sanity. Every little tiff/fight I feel extreme guilt or fear after, so this is yet another example. It’s definitely the past carrying over because I was never like this in other relationships.
Post # 4
Both my fiancé and I have colorful sexual pasts. But you know what? We don’t discuss them—never have in 6 years. If he asks, tell him you don’t kiss and tell, and leave it at that. If he brings up his, tell him there’s no benefit to you knowing the details. In time, this won’t even be an afterthought. He will be the only one that matters, and everything else will fade away, and seem so insignificant. Trust me on this one.
The advantage you have with your less experienced boyfriend is you can show him things you like to do, and make it fun for both of you! I like visiting sex stores, and my fiancé never explored that before. Now it’s him who mentions driving over to our favorite store and picking up a few things. You can definitely turn this into a positive. A healthy sexual relationship is so important. Never, ever, ever discuss what you did with other men; this will make him insecure, and only do damage.
Post # 5
bearinabeecostume : you are absolutely right. I enjoy not knowing his either as I would probably be too obsessive. And I truly enjoy not having to talk about mine! Thank you!
Post # 6
Darling Husband and I have never come out and talked numbers, but by putting two and two together, I know I’m more experienced than him. It hasn’t been an issue. Darling Husband has said he doesn’t care how many people I’ve been with bc it’s my past and he’s my present and future. He also says I wouldn’t be who I am if it wasn’t for my past – which includes my sexual past.
The only guys I’ve known who cared about their partners being less experienced than them were jerks. So…
Post # 7
tigercati : I had an ex who did the exact same thing to me. He used my sexual past (one that wasn’t too abnormal for other girls in their early 20’s) as means to make me feel worthless and therefore control me and keep me from leaving him because “I was used and no one else could ever want me”
excuse my language but f*ck that and f*ck him and your gaslighting, pube of an ex.
Your past sexual experience is your business and is not shameful in the least. It took me a while to get over this feeling as well and I am now happy engaged to my FH.
Women are allowed to be sexual, experienced, and empowered. You are a goddess, bee. The things he said were to shame you. They were untrue and only meant to control you.
Go and be free to enjoy your future and your current relationship without the ghost of this asshole past.
Post # 8
I’m pretty experienced, having been single and lived in several different countries dating lots of different guys. My SO is nowhere near my level.
But I’ve learned something about experience. It doesn’t matter how many people you have been with. Sex is about more than just the act. It’s attitude, it’s a willingness to listen to your partner, it’s the ability to be open and creative. You may have experienced some things, but you haven’t with HIM. Every partner is different. I find that the men I’ve been with who have had a lot of partners are the worst, because they never learned how to listen and please.
So it isn’t important that anyone is experienced, what is important is that they become experienced with YOU – knowing what you like and dislike. What you are doing sounds ideal – guiding him to what you like.
And about your ex…he’s an ass. I know you already know that, but I’m saying it anyway. I’ve had only one guy make a big deal about my past, and I ditched him because obviously he’s too insecure for me. You SO sounds like a stronger man than your ex, you did a good job choosing him. 🙂
Post # 9
chitownyogini : thank you thank you thank you! You’re right. I’m grateful that someone has felt the way I have… but of course, it only makes us who we are today!
Post # 10
strawberrysakura : yep, I’m so used to dating insecure men that him not asking about my past three me off at first… it made me wonder why… now I realize he’s just a mature man who understands what’s important. Thank you so so much for this… I appreciate it so much.
Post # 11
tigercati : Don’t feel bad because you can’t change your past. We have all made mistakes, but you are now living a healthy and happy life.
Post # 12
When you are my age, everyone has a history. I just tell my fh his prev women were just for practice. Lol. I get the benefit.
Honestly I know generally how many “serious” girlfriends he has had and the kind or relationships they were. I don’t know all their names and I’m not sure who was when etc. I don’t really care.
It is different for me because I was with my ex for 25 years. And I agree with pp. Being an attentive lover, with one person, for a long time… a great lover makes. Because you learn to listen and communicate and grow and grow.
Bouncing around might mean you have tried alot of, ‘flavours’, but Jack-of-all-trades, master of few. A long relationship becomes (ideally) very deep and intense, sexually.
Post # 13
Who said anything about making mistakes? Having an exciting sexual past isn’t a mistake. It’s attitudes like yours that perpetuate what she experienced with her ex.
Post # 14
It seems like your treating your sexual history as some kind of dirty secret that you’re burdened with. I understand why after how your partner treated you, but I think you need to look at it differently. Everyone (apart from virgins) has a sexual past, I had 5 sexual partners (nothing crazy for someone who was 25) before my fiancée, but she was a virgin when we met, so there was a big difference in terms of experience.
I personally like to get things in the open early on so there’s no “nasty surprises“ so to speak, but it looks like your partner is dead set on not sharing, which is fine not everyone feels comfortable sharing or knowing their partner’s sexual history. In that case you have to accept his wishes and try and view your past as something that you’re not ashamed of, I regret some of choices I made, but I was immature and your mistakes shape who you are. You were young and you probably wouldn’t do half the stuff you did back then now, but that’s what happens when you grow up.
You need to change your mentality and look at it in a more neutral or positive way of you were young, free and exploring your sexuality, rather than it being something dirty to be embarrassed about.
Post # 15
ariesscientist : Thank you. You’re right. A learning process to reshape my view of myself. I appreciate the honesty. It was a kick I needed.