(Closed) Sexually Frustrated…. 49 days!!

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

With me and my Fiance, it’s the other way around. Im the one with lack of a sex drive because of my BC side effects. But we’re no where near going without sex for 49 days.. We usually have sex about  once a week.. And I often feel guilty because I feel like it’s not enough for him. 
Something we’ve done to help me get more in the mood is incorporate toys and enhancement lubes.. I know it might be a little different since he’s a guy.. But maybe get the his and her lubes from KY… maybe the excitement and curiosity of something new might entice him to want to try it… 
Or maybe [sorry for being so graphic] try pleasuring yourself in front of him.. or watch porn together…
SOMETHINGS GOTTA GIVE! lol

Good luck girl! 

Post # 4
Member
1555 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I was going to say that if you try at night and he’s too tired, maybe try in the morning? But it sounds like you’ve done that already. I’m thinking that there should be a doctor/clinic in your area that will work with him even though he doesn’t have insurance. There’s some places that have a sliding scale fee, where they just charge based on income. Might be worth looking into. Good luck!!

Post # 6
Member
1555 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Mydreymz:  Is sex the only issue, or is he dealing with depression of some sort? That can affect sex drive tremendously too.

Post # 7
Member
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First off (( HUGS )) because I know this is a tough place to be at in a relationship… and not the easiest of things to talk about, get help for… and move on thru (or from)

— — —

He needs to go to a Doctor to find out what is going on.

It could be Low T, or it could be another more serious health issue… circulation, diabetes, depression, ED etc.  There are whole gamut of stuff that could be robbing his libido.

Men don’t like talking to a Dr about this stuff but it has to be done.  Because if he doesn’t handle the issue in the early stages it will only get worse (either the medical condition gets worse OR his self-esteem will make it all a vicious circle)

I was in a sexless marriage for a long long time (married 20+ Years).  And my Ex had issues that prevented him from enjoying sex (low self-esteem, self-loathing, alcoholism, etc) and he refused to go to a Dr, believing that what was going on (or precisely not going on) in our Bedroom was fine by him… and fairly normal… “Not everyone wants to have sex 24/7 like you do TTR” (he liked to transfer the blame on his issue onto me, by making me seem like the crazy person)

Sex / Sexual Attraction is a very very important part of a marriage.  Particularly a successful one (even folks with health issues that make intercourse impossible or difficult learn to find other sexual means to connect).  Sex and the Connection are imperative.

He is cheating himself and you out of a very important part of your lives and a healthy relationship.

He needs to go get checked out… find out what the health issue (physical or mental) that is going on with him.

Otherwise, I can tell you… your relationship is probably doomed.

PS… I am not the only Bee here on WBee who was in a sexless marriage… hopefully some of the others will see this post and chime in as well.

 

Post # 8
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@Mydreymz:  Or perhaps go to the sex store and pick out something together… 

But nonetheless, if he’s under 45 and he’s having issues like this, he most definitely has some type of hormone deficiency…  

I found this article about ways to naturally boost your testosterone levels.. maybe it’ll help him
http://www.timinvermont.com/fitness/boosttes.htm

 

Post # 11
Member
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO Mydreymz:  you said…

This all started when his ex was pregnant with his daughter. After a certain time during the pregnancy he began to feel freaked out by the thought of having sex with his baby in her. Though he knew it was safe to have sex, he didn’t want to.

Ok then this “problem” is rooted in the psychological…

(And not hormonal as jessicalorel suggested … and I disagree that all sexual issues for those under 45 are hormonal… as I said it can be sparked by a variety of ailments)

Your guys issue is related to what is called the “Madonna Complex”…

Where men have issues in having sex with the woman who is having their children.

No doubt he doesn’t have the same issue with you (I take it you aren’t pregnant, and he doesn’t have a child with you)

BUT the issue hasn’t been properly treated, so it is now effecting his relationship with you (mixing up sexual gratification with any woman vs a woman you love and have a fulfilling loving and healthy relationship with.  The Madonna Complex.  Where men see women as either Wives & Mothers to be honoured, and not able to also see them as sexual beings)

He needs to go to a Doctor to get a proper referral to someone who can treat this “emotional” conflict.

Otherwise, as I said the cycle will become a vicious one… and you could find yourself in a worse situation down the road (a Sexless Marriage sucks !!)

By The Way… You can tell him his issue isn’t freakish in any way.  The Madonna Complex is a fairly frequent one.  He isn’t the first man who has been protective of his children (even unborn ones)… it really is an honourable thing to be.  It is just that in some way that his mind has “imagined” a scenario and taken it too far (pen!s hurting baby)… he therefore needs to get professional help in clarifying that his fears are unfounded… and that sex is ok with women you love.  When it isn’t ok a woman will tell you that.  He needs to trust that medical & scientific logic, as well as the woman he is with.  Trust me, this can be resolved for him, and your sex life improved upon greatly (and then so your relationship)

 

Post # 13
Member
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO Mydreymz:  for the record, I am not a Doctor or a Psychiatrist (nor do I play one on Tv, lol)

So I don’t want to say 100% that this is what is going on with your Boyfriend or Best Friend but it “could be” that this is where / how the problem all began

He needs help to work it out in his head, so his body can function again (remember that the brain is the largest sex organ in one’s body)

I don’t know if I would show him the article… only you can judge how he would take it.  Would he feel cornered by you, would he question where you got that info, would he be angry that you discussed him and his sexual issues on the internet?

So ya, you got yourself a pickle here to deal with.

BUT he does obviously need to talk to a professional.

Maybe the easiest / safest thing would be to suggest that the two of you go get some Pre-Marital Counselling together… to work on this and some other issues.

Hope this helps,

NOTE – As an aside, if this is a fairly recent development in the relationship the 2 of you have (ie didn’t exist in the beginning) this could be a sign that he now is very much in love with you… and so he’s beginning to “elevate” you in his mind as a woman worthy of being a mother / Madonna.  (Again a lot of this is rooted in his mind as equating sex as something possibly dirty… that may go back to his childhood etc.  He needs to really talk this thru with a professional so he can get the help he needs, to see that his “beliefs” are unfounded).

 

Post # 14
Member
1292 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

1. Is he depressed?

2. Has your entire relationship been this way? Did you used to have sex more often? Or has it ALWAYS been this way?

3. Does he deny that he masturbates or do you even talk about it?

 

 

My ex boyfriend never wanted to have sex. I eventually cheated on him because I was so frustrated and prompty broke up with him 2 weeks later (when I saw him again..)

No my fiance wants sex ALL the time and I can’t handle it. I’m a 2-3 time a week girl, he’s an everyday guy!

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