(Closed) Shady MOH… :( help!

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
4008 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

try to take a step back and retread your post – if you are implying what I think you are implying, that your Maid/Matron of Honor has an eating disorder, or you could be refering to a drug problem, then her health should be your concern, not that she isn’t helping with wedding things. 

if she’s ignoring texts/calls, etc, show up at her house and talk to her. Something major is going on here

the purpose for a Maid/Matron of Honor isn’t to “get shit done”; it’s to have the most important people there with you. 

Post # 4
Member
818 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Personally if this person was close enough to me that I would make them my Maid/Matron of Honor and the fact that she has changed so much and may have a drug problem, I wouldn’t be worrying about my wedding, I would be doing something to see if I could help my good friend.

Post # 5
Member
8424 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Glasgowbound:  +1 

I don’t get why people think its their BMs job to get stuff done. It’s not her job to get stuff done for your wedding. 

Now her being late is an issue that  you should address for sure but I agree with pp that I would be more concerned about my friends well being at this time! 

The fact that you want to ask someone else to step in for the sole purpose as you say “to get shit done” I just don’t get that. 

I def think you should prob talk to your friend and leave the issue of your wedding out of it bc the issue should be more focused on what’s going on with her instead of your wedding. 

If it were my best friend I’d let her know I was genuinely concerned…. I think starting there is the best place to start! 

Post # 6
Member
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Glasgowbound:  + 1 exactly what I thought. The implications here are worrying. 

Post # 7
Member
624 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@Glasgowbound:  +1 Exactly. Hate to say it but it sounds like your friend has a serious drug problem or giving her the benefit of doubt, maybe she’s got an illness causing this. Regardless you need to go to your friend and help her. Obviously something is wrong here and she needs people who care about her to reach out to her now.

Post # 8
Member
9074 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

But I’m worried about my wedding, too. It’s in June and she hasn’t asked to help with anything, hasn’t mentioned anything about a bachelorette party, hell I don’t even know if she still plans on showing up to the wedding.

You don’t sound all that worried to me. It sounds like you’re worried about only your wedding and not your MoH/Friend’s health, which is by far more important than your friend.

You need to work on getting her help and work on your wedding later. If worse comes to worst, you can always postpone your wedding, but she only gets one life.

She needs help. Badly. Be the one to stand up and tell her this and support the hell out of her. It sounds like she has a drug and/or substance abuse problem and I don’t know why you weren’t immediately worried about her health the moment you saw “holes in her gums.”

ETA: Seems other people have beat me to it, but “atleast she’d get shit done…” Bridesmaids are not your slaves to do your tedious work for you. Just thought you should be informed.

Post # 9
Member
2515 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

it sounds like she might have a meth problem. i’m in agreement with the PP’s in that you should be worried about her instead of your wedding. you don’t need her to “get shit done” for your wedding. someone else can plan stuff or you can do it. i planned my own bachelorette party- no big deal. anyways, you need to find out what’s going on with her and see if you can get her some help.

Post # 10
Member
435 posts
Helper bee

@CMaebelle:  

Your friend’s potential drug problem is much more important than your wedding.  Get your priorities straightened out.  She obviously isn’t in a place to be planning a wedding so have one of your other bridesmaids “get shit done” for you.  Meanwhile, maybe try to help your friend get some professional help.

Post # 11
Member
3102 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@CMaebelle:  um, what you’re describing sounds like your “best friend” is going through hard times. I am grossed out that your main concern is getting shit done for your wedding & your bachelorette. Clearly you do not care about this girl so go ahead and replace her. This is one of the worst posts I’ve read here. 

Suggestion: try to get your friend help. Advice: recognize when you’re being selfish. Re-read this post to remind yourself. 

Post # 12
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Italiano's Humble

I hate to be another bearer of bluntness, but allot of the PP’s have good points.

BUT, in saying that ^, I’ll also say this. I’ll also come off as an unfeeling, hateful person too. First, don’t attempt to have a heart to heart with her. If it’s a drug problem, pacifying the situation is only going to make her think she can pull the wool over your eyes. IF you find out it IS FOR SURE drugs, get a couple friends together, and (without mentioning your wedding, duh), get a fire lit under her ass! Meth is the #1 “pickers disease” as I’ve had friends call it. She needs help.

Unfortunately, the part where I’ll come off as hateful? I’ve calmly (yet sadly) walked away from friends b/c of their habits. I fully believe I don’t need to sympathize, empathize, any-ize. I don’t believe in “putting myself in their shoes”. Why? I feel a stronge person WILL overcome the issue(without leaning on others for “help” as they say-which usually turns into a crutch and the bitches are robbing you), and will never do the drugs to begin with. I’ve had plenty of friends from school, who out of the blue are doing the picking thing. They say “you don’t know what it’s like”. Nope, I don’t. I never will. My friends and my CHILDREN, are worth more to me than a fix.

All that being said. You have to figure out if you care about her enough to help her. (Before someone says it, NO, I will NOT help a friend fight an addiction. of ANY KIND.) You’re going to need help, b/c if she’s changed this quickly, she’s either been at it awhile, and is going through a let down, OR her body is reacting rather quickly and she’s recently started. Either way, if SHE gives a damn about HERSELF, and how SHE affects OTHERS, she’ll accept your help. Unfortunately, I feel if she doesn’t, it’s up to HER to do her business.

 

(EVERYONE please note. This is only my experience with people I KNOW. I’ve been robbed, sober friends who were hurt physically and even robbed at gunpoint, all trying to help people they/I know with addiction problems. I do understand there are many walks of life. But, I don’t feel that I have to coddle someone, b/c of the choices they made for themselves. That’s where allot of people get the “entitlement” mentality from. I don’t do it with my kids, so I sure as HELL wouldn’t do it with an addict.)

Post # 13
Hostess
8579 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I agree with PP’s. If her problem is meth, you need to get it under control, now – if you care for her that is.

I lost one of my good friends to meth.

She was a bit of a slut [before i met her], not trying to be mean, but I don’t know how else to put it! By the time she was 17, she had slept with over 30 guys, and lost count after that! I was 19 at the time. I’m much more conservative, and when we starting hanging out, she calmed down ALOT. She went 6 months without sleeping with anyone! [She was a chubby girl, and when she liked a guy, she would sleep with him, I think she thought she’d get a bf out of it, it never worked].

Long story short, she met this older guy, and they got pretty serious. He was nice to her, everything all the other guys werent. He had a drug problem, and got her hooked on it. Meth or course. She dropped 80 pounds in a very short period of time. Her face was breaking out in scabs, she looked awful. I tried to intervene SO many times. Took her to a million clinics to get her help. I even let her stay with ME for months on end, while she was fixing her problem. But she always went back to him, and back to meth. Eventually, she told me to “stop trying to break them up”. [This was a year and a half later of me trying to get her help]. So I did. I haven’t talked to her since.

I don’t know what she’s up to now a days, but i know she had a meth baby that was taken away by the state, that her & him were living under an bridge, and that they both did some time for breaking into a pawn shop and then pawning those items in another town.

It’s so sad. She was such a good girl [besides all the sex].

 

Post # 14
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

yeah…you literally glossed over the fact that she is obviously extremely ill and not acting at all herself. i kept waiting for the part where you sat down with her and offered your help/support ….and it never came. you’re worried that your friend hasn’t planned your bachelorette? no offense, but considering the circumstances here, who cares?! have you spoken to her? expressed concern for her happiness and wellbeing?

your friend is seriously ill, potentially with a drug problem or eating disorder, is acting out of character and ‘may’ have quit her job. she is having a crisis – that takes precedence over wedding planning.

Post # 15
Member
2515 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@cheetah2b:  i don’t think you’re coming across as an unfeeling, hateful person. i totally get what you’re saying. the only person who can change a drug addict is the drug addict themselves. if they don’t want help, then there’s really nothing anyone can do it about it. i think OP should talk to her friend but if the girl is in denial or refuses help then there’s not much else that can be done and she probably will need to walk away.

Post # 16
Member
9209 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Do you know this girl’s family, since she’s your best friend?  You need to tell them asap that she’s obviously got a drug problem.  Yeah it sucks that she’s falling apart in time for your wedding, but it sucks waaaaaay more that she’s torpedoing her entire life!  Get this girl some help!!  In the meantime I’d probably make a new Maid/Matron of Honor – this chick has got much bigger issues to deal with.  I wish the very best for her 🙁

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