Post # 1
So my fiance’s parents are both very religious- but he is not and his siblings are not. Most of his friends are religious but they are young and seem to be cool as far as I met them. His co workers are religious but of those, only 4 people are and the rest are not. Overall, the majority is NOT observant. My family is Jewish by culture- we are not observant at all.
We agreed that since we are not religious, the wedding will be mixed seating and mixed dancing. Except for perhaps some sections where we will put up a temporary mehitza and do some religious music. This seems to work for everyone. The wedding is GLATT Kosher so that works for everyone too.
The big dilemma now is that my family has prepared songs which include women singing – a highly forbidden thing amongst observant jewish men. I am trying to figure out a way to balance the two sides but this one thing seems to be hurting both sides either way you twist it. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I am nervous beyond belief on what to do, my family wont understand the whole no women singing thing. And I already gave in on this and we will be excluding alot of my favorite songs. But to ask guests who are coming from all over- please dont sing becuase your a woman- it seems harsh.
What to do?
I feel like either way, even if we do one woman singing, his guests will get super offended – although they know we are not observant people. I hate this situation and I am in a panic. I feel like I have to decide all this by myself – Fiance does not do well with conflict.
Post # 2
I’m a little confused at where/why the singing needs to happen at all? I’ve been to all sorts of weddings, and the only songs were (totally optional) solos during the ceremony as like a featured song. And not all ceremonies even have that. I’ve never seen group singing at a wedding, Jewish or otherwise.
Post # 3
MrsBuesleBee: During the recpetion. I come from a musical family and people wrote songs for our wedding that they would like to perform as a toast.
Post # 4
If religious people at your wedding don’t like women singing, then they shouldn’t sing, and they should be allowed to leave the room or plug their ears when a woman is singing.
But if women singing does not offend you or your fiance, then you should have women singing at your wedding.
Post # 5
Could you announce that she will be singing a few minutes beforehand, so you give people the opportunity to leave the room if it will go against their religious beliefs to stay and listen?
Post # 6
jonandjessgetwed: That is percisely what I want to do and Fiance agrees its a good idea. But I feel like people will still be offended. We spoke to the Rabbi and he said that he has gone to such weddings and thats what they did, they announced and he found himself going out of the room for a little while. Rabbi said it was fine, but I am still worried about his co workers and his parents. 🙁
Post # 7
bridalruss87: I see. Well that sounds really sweet and pricesless. I wouldn’t want to shut that down either. I would go by your rabbis advice and give people a heads up and place to gather outside but close to the reception. Perhaps the Rabbi could be the one to make the announcement. I would also do this early in the reception, before dancing. Rip the bandaid off if your will so you can all be together for the rest of the night.
You can’t worry too much. You’re taking their needs into consideration and finding a solution. That’s a gracious thing to do.
Post # 8
Well, frankly, I think it is stupid and sexist to be against women singing at an event like this, and it’s your wedding so you should be able to do what the heck you want.
However, I will also say that the reality is, like it or not, you will be dealing with his family for many years to come, and life is a lot smoother when there is not conflict between wife and husband’s family. So you have to decide if this is worth it.
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom
I agree with PP and have an announcement for those who want to leave…and warn the women who want to sing beforehand so they don’t get unnecessarily offended when people leave.
Post # 10
Since his parents know that their children as well as you and your family are not observant, i doubt they will actually be offended. Especially if they are given notice of what will be happening before the reception as well as giving them time to leave the room before the singing begins. As your Rabbi already stated, you would not be the first to do that.
You can’t please everyone. Relax and ask God to give you peace about the situation.
Post # 11
Someone gave me really good advice at the begnning of wedding planning: You can’t please everyone. It’s not going to happen. Particularly when there is a range of traditions and beliefs. People have strong opinions about major life-cycle events. Very strong opinoins.
A couple of years ago, a friend of mine got married and had a female rabbi. And a band with a female singer. Her husband’s sister and brother-in-law were Orthodox. They came to the wedding, and honestly weren’t even present for most of it. It was their choice.
So don’t get too riled up about it. Have the wedding that means something to you. Make an anouncement or put it in the program. If people want to leave for a few minutes, they will. Have the wedding that is meaningful to you and your husband and remember that you can’t please everyone.
Post # 12
Are you certain your fiance’s family holds kol isha? It’s really delicate and I know what you’re experiencing. My family is totally secularly, my husbands family is observant, and we are both religious. So the wedding was a totally balancing act but it will all come together.