Post # 1
I have quite a few friends who are TTC. Some for a few short months, others for three years or more.
We are expecting and were excited to share our news with family and friends, but knew that some friends would struggle with the news given their own journeys.
We tried to approach these conversations or phone calls with thought and consideration, but we also didn’t want to come across as being condescending or anything along those lines. We tried to find a delicate balance.
I don’t want to compare this to the struggles they must be going through. By some miracle it didn’t take us as long to conceive as we’d prepared for – only a few months. At this point we will never understand what it must be like, but we have tried to be understanding. The problem is that when it comes up in conversation, there’s no real advice we can give. We just try to stay positive for them, reassure them that it can take some time and not to worry if it’s early days.
I know this would seem rich given that it was quicker than we expected, but I really don’t know what else to say. We’ve only passed on advice from our doctors as that’s the only credible information we have. I really want it to happen for them but obviously there is nothing we can do.
Did anyone else here face issues in their friendships because of this? How did you deal with it?
Post # 2
You don’t describe in what ways your friends have reacted. Are they angry? Avoiding you?
But I think you’re overthinking it. Just don’t flaunt it and treat them as you ordinarily would. They will react how they react, so I don’t think special treatment is necessary.
The only think I would ever suggest is texting to share news with couples you worry about as then they can react how they want to in private and process the news before coming face to face with you.
Post # 3
littlebuzz : ditto on the texting. I would prefer to be texted, as someone struggling to conceive dropping that news on me on the phone or in person would be difficult for me.
Also ideally don’t complain about your pregnancy in front of them. Seeing someone complain, even very legitimately, about the thing you want most in the world is tough. Find other people to support you with any pregnancy related worries or difficulties.
Post # 4
1. Share message by text not phone or face to face.
2. Forget trying to give advice or reassurance…unless they very explicitly ask for it.
Sorry I’ve just reread your post and realised youve already told them so that’s probably not the advice you are looking for.
If you are looking for advice going forward, just carry on your friendship as before. Don’t avoid them but no need to bring up your pregnancy in conversation unless they do. If they want to/are ready/are able to hear about your pregnancy they will ask you about it. Otherwise just continue discussing other things happening in your life and other topics you would have chatted about before getting pregnant. Again, most importantly dont give general advice/reassurance/platitudes.
Post # 5
night0wl : I think you should text the 3 year + as a courtsey, so they can absorb the news in private.
For the rest – I would just announce as normal.
Honestly, any happy event in our lives can be someone else’s personal struggle. Relationships, career, family, health etc. I don’t think you should over think it too much. Enjoy your pregnancy!
Post # 6
Totally agree with pp: re sharing the news in a text or email with anyone you think would have a hard time hearing it.
I’m also confused about why you would be offering advice to these couples. Have they asked for it?
Post # 7
Don’t offer advice. As someone who it took 9 months to get pregnant and I was using every tracking method in the book… If it only took someone a few months and they tried to give me “advice,” I would give them the biggest eyeroll. At that point, we had tried EVERYTHING. Most people know a fraction of what I knew, especially if they were trying for 4 months or less.
Post # 8
Also, I want to add, just being what your friends need to hear is most important. If they express their frustration, say “I really hope it happens for you soon” or “I hope this is the cycle for you!” Don’t say, “It will happen when it’s meant to be” or “You know, it can take awhile, we just got lucky” because it will really put them off. If they get pregnant, be excited for them. If they get their period again and they’re devastated, tell them it’s okay to feel that way. They’ll be feeling a whole slew of emotions. I just wouldn’t overshare your pregnancy.
Post # 9
Noooo on advice unless they ask.
Do not under any circumstances ever mention how it happened sooner than expected for you. Even if you were somehow asked directly the question “so did this happen sooner than expected for you?” I would still say “ehhh well you know…*non-commital noises*” Like seriously this is the #1 thing to stay away from in this situation, other than perhaps “It’s in god’s plan”.
For pregnancy discomfort, stress, and complaints, vent to other sources of support in your life. Otherwise treat friendship as normal. You guys are friends so you had other stuff to talk about before, presumably, so just keep doing the exact same thing without adding preggo stuff to the mix.
Post # 10
Please don’t give a couple who is struggling with TTC advice. They’ve already heard it all. Unless they specifically ask for it, this is going to come off as extremely condecending.
As for reassurance, again, unless they ask, they don’t need it. Telling a struggling couple to remain positive, or “it will happen,” does not help and is often times more hurtful than it is helpful.
I would just shoot them a message saying that you just wanted them to know you were pregnant before making a more general announcement. Leave it at that.
Post # 11
night0wl : why on earth would you give advice about infertility when you aren’t infertile yourself? Surely your friends who have been TTC for 3 years are doing everything they can to get pregnant and they don’t need advice about how lucky you were.
When spending time with friends who are TTC you should not bring up your pregnancy and certainly not the ease at which you conceived – that’s just being polite.
Post # 12
- Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK
We’ve been TTC for what feels like forever. I’d appreciate a text more. Don’t offer advice. Most of us taking longer to conceive are fully aware of ‘oops’ babies and the stats on how long it takes the majority of couples to conceive. Its nice that you are considering other people’s feelings but don’t worry too much. The only time I’ve ever been pissed off was when someone told me she was annoyed it took two cycles to conceive her second as the first was straight away.
Post # 13
Echoing others, don’t ever give advice to someone who has been trying for 3 years when it only took you a couple months. I can assure you they don’t want it. I can promise you that any advice you have they have already tried it.
Also it looks like you already told them that you’re pregnant? Don’t be upset if they distance themselves from you for a bit. That is for their mental health and has nothing to do with you or your baby. Trust me, most likely they are happy for you, but at the same time their heart is breaking for themselves.
Post # 14
Thanks for your responses. I probably should have been more specific because the reason I posted is that yes, two friends TTC openly asked me questions and voiced their sadness/frustration about their struggles.
We certainly don’t try to give “advice”, particularly to the couple who have been trying for years (they are family and have been very open with us). We just listen to them and support them because we know there is nothing we can say to help the situation. I was just acknowledging in my post that I don’t have any advice to give nor would I try.
The other couple had only just started trying when we announced and my friend was a little discouraged so that was the only occasion I said try not to worry it’s early days. The only advice I gave was to have a chat with her doctor about any concerns and best ways to go forward. I was really just trying to reassure her.
The other couples have either struggled and now have a baby, or are still trying. We have said said anything beyond that we are pregnant.
We didn’t tell people when we started trying both to take pressure off ourselves and also not give away how long it took. Some people have in fact asked if it happened quickly, and we have just tried to be vague and not talk about that.
It’s so amazing when these friends and family show overwhelming happiness and excitement for us despite their troubles, and we are just so hopeful that it will happen for them soon.
Post # 15
anev : just wanted to clarify that we haven’t tried to give advice and certainly have never brought up how lucky we feel. This is in response to friends openly sharing their sadness with me even though they’re happy for us. They have expressed frustrations to me so this post was more looking for advice on what to say or do in that situation.