(Closed) She bought a wedding dress before engagement

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I honestly don’t think it’s as weird as it’s often made out to be on wedding boards, perhaps because it’s easier for us to dismiss it now we’re actually getting married. Who didn’t check out wedding stuff at least once in their single life? I found my perfect dress back in 2008. I was nineteen, I was single, and I was just browsing around online. I certainly wasn’t looking to get married, I was bored. I instantly fell in love with it. Obviously I didn’t buy it, or even try it on, because I had no need for it, couldn’t have afforded it if I’d wanted to, and assumed I’d find something even better when I was actually getting married and making an effort to look (whenever that would be). Not true, as it turns out – nothing is doing it for me like that dress! Since it was a choice of style over fashion, it hasn’t dated for me. It wasn’t in then and it isn’t in now (arguably, it’s more in now). I really wish I’d found a way to get it used and quietly stored it away. I wouldn’t even have had a problem with telling people, including boyfriends, that I happened to have already found the dress I wanted to get married in and had it hanging in my attic. So what? Some people might know they want to get married in their mother’s gown or something, I don’t think it’s very different. It doesn’t say as much about my attitude towards marriage as it does towards the fact that it was an awesome dress. 

I was ‘pre-engaged’ for about a month before Fiance officially asked me. Planning, dreaming and researching was possibly more fun back then, because you didn’t have to face any realities. Deliberating flowers was something you were cheating at rather than being obliged to do at some point. Let her have her fun.

Post # 48
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Yeah I’d keep my mouth shut.  I may be too “busy” to go venue looking etc., I wouldn’t be adding things to her list or volunteering my time. Until she gets the ring tho, if she lays out deposit money of her own, there isnt a contract/understanding they will be married.  (holy crap I watch too many court tv shows) so if the wedding doesnt happen she eats the entire cost. 

 

Post # 49
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Keep in mind that you don’t know all the details of her relationship. Technically, we booked our venue before we were ‘officially’ engaged. And our photographer, now that I think about it. The date was picked, it just wasn’t ring on finger official.  Not everyone plans the same way, and that’s fine. I know you’re worried about her getting hurt, but you can’t stand between someone and their own choices.

Post # 50
Member
17 posts
Newbee

@canadajane:  If you believe your friend is going to get hurt, then I would suggest having a tactful conversation with her. If she doesn’t take your advice, then just be respectful of her decision.

Post # 51
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

just smile, nod and leave it at that.

 

 

Post # 52
Member
17 posts
Newbee

@canadajane:  “no good could come of me saying anything.”

I disagree. If you are worried about her getting hurt, then you should tell her. That is your obligation as a friend. She may not agree, and that’s fine. At least you didn’t keep quiet when she was making decisions that could hurt her.
She may take your advice, but she may not. If she doesn’t, support her. She knows how you feel. This doesn’t mean you have to encourage her decisions.

If I was your friend and you let me do something that you thought would hurt me, I would be mad at you for not talking to me.

A good friend gives good council.

Post # 53
Member
1953 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I dont think you can say much…she can do what she wants. BUT….offer her some warnings…I bought a dress (pre owned) before I was engaged and after we got engaged (a few months later) and found a venue, the dress did not work AT ALL. So I had to sell it and find a new one. I didn’t end up loosing too much money but it was a hassel and I should have just waited until we were officially engaged!

Also, Ive learned, most of the time, voicing your opinions with friends does no good. If its not what they want to hear, they ignore your advice and distance themselves from you. I’ve had a friend stop talking to me for +6 months because I voiced my concern about her mentally abusive Fiance, who she incidentally ended up breaking up with because he was an a**hole. But, she did not want to hear that from me!

 

Post # 54
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

FH and I bought my dress before getting engaged (we chose it together).  I’m pleased that job’s out of the way.  I wouldn’t say anything, UNLESS you are truly concerned about the way her partner is treating her.  You alluded to him doing “crappy stuff” – I guess that could mean that he refuses to clean the bathroom, or it could mean that he swears at her and tells her she’s worthless, or it could mean something in between.  Without more information, it’s difficult to say what I would do in your situation.

Post # 55
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@canadajane: try to be supportive of her, even though you don’t approve of her actions. There’s a slight difference, and she’ll appreciate you being there if it works out and if it doesn’t she’ll appreciate your support. 

<3

Post # 56
Member
1983 posts
Buzzing bee

Your right. It’s not your place. I bought my dress 3 years before the engagement. We had been dating for a year but knew without a doubt that we would be getting married someday. Now I didn’t go to the store planning to buy a dress. They were having a sale and I was just going to look.

 

If your friend wants to do this type of shopping before she has the ring, then by all means let her! I had my wedding pretty much planned to a T by the time we were engaged. So it took a crap load of stress off of me the actual six months I was engaged.

Post # 57
Member
1197 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m the sort of person who is honest with my close friends – I take it as an expression of caring, not a sign of meddling. I would tell your friend that you’re happy for her but concerned with her planning too much before she’s officially engaged. 

I looked a LOT before Fiance proposed, and actually made an appointment to try on a dress before he asked. Thankfully, he proposed the night before my dress appointment! But I would absolutely not put money down on anything until there was a ring on my finger. 

Post # 58
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I’d leave it alone, you may not have the full story. I looked at venues, picked one, visited it and put down deposit before our engagement! It was something we both decided on, and he had a particular day/ place he wanted it to happen but we both knew it was coming. You never know what they’ve discussed!

Post # 59
Member
11268 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

she’s a big girl and can do whatever she wants.  i would just stay out of it.

Post # 60
Member
766 posts
Busy bee

It’s always interesting to me that on internet forums, people seem to be very firmly in the MYOB camp.  And while yes – she’s an adult and can make her own choices, I think if you are a very close friend, there’s nothing wrong with expressing some gentle concern.  As an example, if she is close to her family, you could possibly point out that it may be disappointing to her family to find out that she had already done all the things that her mom/sisters may have looked forward to doing with her.  It’s too late on the dress front so I wouldn’t mention that, but there are other things. I realize different people have different family dynamics, so this may not apply to her, but you get the idea. 

 

You also might want to ask her if her boyfriend is aware that she bought the dress and is shopping for other wedding things.  If he is, I think that indicates more of an official engagement. If not, I’d say that’s cause for concern.  My boyfriend and I talk about wedding stuff all the time even though we’re not engaged, but I’d never book/buy anything without him being fully on board.

 

Post # 61
Member
255 posts
Helper bee

Maybe she’s extra into wedding planning and buying things for her wedding because you are getting married so soon?

I could be wrong, obviously…  but just a thought.

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