(Closed) She “can’t afford to come”? Oh really….?!?!!?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m sorry that you’re upset.  It stinks when people don’t make an effort to come to a wedding. How does your FIs or in laws feel about this?  I know my parents would NEVER stand for that.  Perhaps you can mention it to your Fiance or in laws and they might just take care of it?

Post # 5
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Ah.  I was just thinking that the in laws may just have a very stern lecture and tell her that not coming is really not an option and to get it together, but apparently that has already happened! 

Post # 6
1147 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I would honestly just tell her that you’re sorry she can’t fit it in her budget and you’ll miss seeing her and tell your FIL’s that you do not want them paying her way. If after at this point in her life after having children, then bailing her out on everything is not going to fix it at this point. (I know this from personal experience with my own FSIL)

Post # 7
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

That sucks, but the truth is you never know the reality of anybody’s financial situation from the outside.  Maybe they really can’t afford to go.  Maybe toys for the kids are a higher priority for them than your wedding.  Maybe there’s some completely different issue.  You really can’t know what’s going on in her head.

I’d be polite about it and let it go.  If nothing else, you don’t want to start a fight with a member of your future family.  You’re going to be part of that family for a long time.  If your future sister-in-law is flaky or unreliable you’ll probably be dealing with stuff like this a lot.  I would start practicing now at letting it go.

Post # 8
1189 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I agree with frugal: while you may feel like you’re observing financial frivolity, you don’t know the whole story.  Tons of toys or a “reasonable” salary don’t account for the fact that you have no idea where that salary goes (mortgage, food, student loans, car payments, daycare for children, etc.) and the fact that toys cost nothing near the cost of travel and lodging for a family.  I am sorry she is not making more of an effort in your opinion, but just try to be understanding.  She will probably look back and regret not being there, regardless of if she can truly afford it or not, but you can’t force her to see what you see.

Post # 9
44 posts
  • Wedding: January 2015

I agree with the last 2 replies – while your wedding obviously means a lot to you, it may not be worth the expense for others, even if they are family.

This is just one of the risks you take when you plan a wedding out of town

Post # 10
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Sigh. I understand how you feel. FI’s SIL (yes, just the SIL) has already told us that she might not be able to come to our wedding because of some “training”. Firstly, they live out of state anyway so either which way they will be flying to the wedding. So how is it any different to fly from GA to NY versus FL to NY?

She said she was coming to the bridal shower. Then I heard through Fiance who heard through his mom that she is no longer coming to the bridal shower. No one thought it might be appropriate to tell ME?

Whatever. I really could care less about her because she is about the most selfish person on this planet. She can go out and spend $200 on books in one trip but can’t be bothered to come to our wedding. And yes other posters are absolutely right. Books are more important to her than family. Which is all fine and good because I stopped caring about her years ago.

For the record, her daughter/our goddaughter’s first birthday is 3 weeks before our wedding and Fiance is flying down for her birthday. We just don’t have the finances to fly both of us nor do I have any extra time off. So just because she is a shit to us does not mean we are a shit to her or her kids because of it.

Some days I can tell myself who cares? Other days it really bothers me because family is really important to us!

Some people just do not care about family and I’m sorry you are dealing with it as well!

Post # 11
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

Maybe they will send a really good present on their behalf?????

Post # 12
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Sounds like a cop-out. Hey, if she doesn’t want to come, you don’t want her there, right?!

In my opinion, there are not a whole lot of good reasons to miss your brother getting married. She sounds relatively irresponsible with money, anyways, and is probably looking for a hand out.

Post # 13
1955 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

I respectfully disagree with some of the other posters…In this case, she is IMMEDIATE family of the groom.  If she can’t make her brother’s wedding a priority over other things, that’s seriously wrong,regardless of her financial situation.

I’m sorry you’re going through this but I do agree that no one should pay for her trip to the wedding other than her and her husband.

Post # 14
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

i have a retired aunt and uncle (with no kids, no mortgage, and are definitely not hurting in finances) that already told us that they won’t be able to make it to our august wedding because they are going on a cruise in september. wth? not like i care, i feel like if they’re going to act like that, then i don’t think i want them at my wedding. however, my uncle had surgery for esophageal cancer a few months ago and we really wanted to see him again.

i say if she’s going to act like that let her, your party will be better off without someone complaining about how expensive it was to go to your wedding. she’ll realize that she’s missing out when everyone else in the family talks about your wedding and how they’re looking forward to it.

Post # 15
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Oh man, that’s not cool at all.  Maybe there is something going on ‘behind the scenes’ that you guys don’t know about?  Either way, it was handled improperly.  Hopefully she realizes she needs to be there.  If she doesn’t show, I imagine there will be a strain on their relationship.

Post # 16
3124 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Eh, she can learn the hard way about being irresponsible – if you’re old enough to have children and be married, you’re old enough to learn how to budget. She’ll be the one that has to live with missing her own bro’s wedding, and get the grief at the next few family gatherings.  To me, it’s better not to bail her out and just miss her at the wedding, if she truly does have the money but won’t put a few dollars away to drive out of town.

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