She cheated on me after 7 years (2 years engaged), feeling helpless and broken

posted 7 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

fishernater :  This kind of sounds like a situation my Brother-In-Law had. He fiound out his fiance was cheating right before their wedding which they ended up calling off. Brother-In-Law still desperately wanted to be with her, and they tried making it work several times but she too was giving mixed signals, and he would find out that she was still seeing this other guy.

This was nearly 2 years ago, and they’ve just “ended” things again. I wish he would just move on.

Please don’t be like my Brother-In-Law, chasing someone who doesn’t want to be with them, who has betrayed them, and continue to fuck with their feelings for TWO years. Your fiance only told you she was cheating because she got caught, I get that you love her and have spent a long time with her, but I would continue to stay no contact and try to get over her.

Post # 3
Member
9835 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Continue no contact. Do not go back. She doesn’t respect or love you and she doesn’t even particularly miss/want you back. You can do better.

Post # 4
Hostess
3844 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

fishernater :  I’m so sorry 🙁  Even if she wasn’t giving mixed signals and you took her back, would you really be able to trust her?  I travel for work a good bit and I’m pretty confident that my husband is not going around cheating on me.  There’s no excuse for what she did.  

Post # 6
Member
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!

It would be one thing if she admitted what happened soon after and tried to fix the situation (that could mayyyybe be salvageable), but to get caught and send you mixed messages? It sounds like she wants it to be over but feels guilty. It’ll better for you both of you make a clean break. 

Post # 7
Member
1113 posts
Bumble bee

I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s good you have gone no contact-that’s the best thing you can do right now.

Take all the time you need to grieve the relationship. It is understandable that your trust is shattered. You did not deserve to be cheated on. 

Lean on friends and family for support if you need and take each day one at a time. You are getting through the hardest part.

The silver lining in all of this: at least you are breaking up and not getting divorced. You have less to lose in breaking up.

For whatever reason, she wasn’t the one for you and with time you will eventually see that. Until then, I hope you can find some peace and healing ❤️

Post # 8
Member
4497 posts
Honey bee

I’m confused on how she is giving you mixed signals when you’ve been no-contact for 30 days.  But that’s really besides the point.  Cheating on you while simultaneously planning a wedding with you isn’t a mixed signal – it just means she’s a liar.

This isn’t a gendered thing.  Shitty people are just shitty people regardless of their genitalia or gender identification.  She wasn’t committed to you.  She decided to act on that.  She decided she was okay with being a deceitful liar and hiding it until you caught her.  Just like lots of cheaters everywhere of every gender.  It sucks.  Sorry.

And you get over being betrayed by shitty people who don’t respect you by having enough self-respect to cut shitty people out of your life and giving yourself time to heal.  That’s pretty much it.

There’s no deep dark secret.  There’s no magical elixir.  There’s no hidden trick for when it’s someone with a vagina being shitty to person with a penis instead of the other way around.  It’s just good old fashioned time and not being a masochist who keeps on picking at the scab by keeping in contact with the person.  Seven years is a long time.  It will probably take a long time to feel stable enough to move on.  You just give yourself that time.  That’s it.

 

Post # 9
Member
660 posts
Busy bee

DO NOT CONTACT HER OR TRY TO GET BACK TOGETHER!

An ex is an ex for a reason. She cheated and lied to you. She doesn’t deserve you and you deserve better!

Read the book, “It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken”. It helped me through a lot.

It’s also only been a few months after a 7 year relationship. You will not magically feel better so soon. Take the time to grieve as you suffered a loss – the relationship. It’s OK to feel down and not get off the couch or do anything on your days off. But get yourself back up and out doing things.

Do you workout? I went to working out as my therapy. I spent up to 2 hours everyday at the gym and it helped tremendously and not to mention the changes to my body 🙂

The moment you start talking again, all your progress will go out the window.

I’ve gotten back with someone who cheated on me and it didn’t work. They cheated again and the trust never was there after and all it did was cause me more misery and time wasted.

Remain strong. Get rid of all pictures and all things of hers. Get rid of anything that reminds you of her. Get rid of her on social media and all pictures there too. It’s like a detox. Trust, this is one of the most important things to do and has helped me so much through my break ups.

Post # 10
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

From a girl’s perspective, the relationship is over. The over the 7 years you were together, you supported her and helped her through major life milestones and provided for her financially. Women grow a great deal from their college years into their late twenties, and often begin seeing themselves and their lives differently. Sometimes those changes involve who they envision spending their life with and how they see themselves living their lives.  Seven years of a life with someone and the promise of marriage on the near horizon would have been enough to keep a girl from “getting so lonely they cheat,” because there should be years of love, devotion, and the joy of getting married in the future to get her through the difficulties of you being gone.

Instead, it sounds like she has changed as a person and with that, her desires have changed. She no longer sees a future with you, or she wouldn’t have risked it and then hesitated to do everything she could to fix it. If she’s hesitant, it is only because you provide her financial security, familiarity and the promise of marriage — all of which things are nice to have, and scary to give up.

But she’s moved on.  And so should you.

To make any other decision, despite how much you love her, would be poison for you. There is no future in this relationship. Go find a new future.

Post # 11
Member
1754 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry you’re going through this. You shouldn’t try to get back with her. Continue the no contact. I think you just need to let yourself grieve. Let yourself feel sad, don’t try to force being happy right now. You’ve been through a lot in the last several months. 

Post # 12
Member
1116 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, she sounds like a class act. Move on with no contact and never look back. You don’t deserve this. The pain will get better with time, I promise!! 

Post # 13
Member
3085 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2006

Sounds like she’s probably giving you mixed signals because she’s now on her own with no one to support her. She wants you for that, but not because she loves you, respects you, or values your relationship or feelings. 

Stay no contact and realize eventually you’ll be happier and be so thankful this was a break up and not a divorce. 

I’ve gone through infidelity in my marriage (both of us) and while we survived it, I wouldn’t wish our marital strife on my absolute worst enemy. We’ve been through hell and back, and we are the exception not the rule. We also have a daughter so that contributed so much to us working our asses off to fix it. If it hadn’t been for her, and if we had been just dating and not married for over 10 years, I can safely say there would’ve been a much different outcome. 

You’ll thank yourself one day for letting her be someone else’s problem. 

Post # 14
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

You need to love yourself more than you love her. You know you deserve better. You will become stronger as time moves forward and your decision to not be with her anymore will seem more and more right. You will look back and start seeing things differently and you will thank yourself, I’m sure of it. 

Post # 15
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

My last break up was messy and heartbreaking. When he realized he was losing me he stepped up to the plate and started doing everything iʻd been asking for from him for the prior 2yrs which made me second guess my choice to leave so I inadvertantly sent him mixed signals probably daily. It got messy. Eventually came a point of no return and I just cut off all contact cold turkey. I gave him everything he needed back to start over and we havenʻt seen each other (small town), or so much as texted since. I am SOOOO much happier now and thereʻs no lingering what-ifs at all. 

Hold strong and keep going!

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