She cheated on me after 7 years (2 years engaged), feeling helpless and broken

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1575 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry this happened, don’t contact her again. You deserve to be loved way more than she was giving you and you will find that person. She will cheat again if you go back to her.

Post # 17
Member
747 posts
Busy bee

fishernater :  Damn. Who cheats on their fiancé while wearing their ring, and planning their wedding? Sorry. I wish I had something to take away the pain, but I don’t. I can tell you the only silver lining to this is you didn’t marry her. Eventually you’ll get over the pain and move on, but it will take time. If she were truly sorry, and knew she made a mistake, she would be begging you for forgiveness, but she’s not. Don’t try to fix the sadness by seeing her. Someone deserves to wear your ring, and spend their life with you—just not her. I believe if you allow yourself to start dating again, you’ll quickly realize your ex fiance wasn’t the one for you afterall, and you’ll be relived it didn’t work out. She’s not worth putting your life on hold for. 

Post # 18
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Do not contact her. Get a therapist and work out all the hurt, angry, betrayed, insecure feelings you’re carrying around. Unload that baggage–it will take a while–and get ready for someone who respects and appreciates you.

Post # 19
Member
530 posts
Busy bee

fishernater :  Continue the no contact trust me when i say it’s much better this way. You can do better!  

Post # 20
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee

fishernater :  sounds to me like you know this relationship is not salvageable, and I don’t blame you. Cheating, to me, is something you don’t ever fully get over, and luckily this all came out before you got married and had kids bc you can still essentially walk away without much hassle.

Therefore, my advice: tell her to fuck right off if she reaches out. You may not be at that point yet and may need to fake it, but you’ll get there…and that’s a powerful place emotionally to end up bc then you feel back in control of your life.

You’ve been forced to endure an emotional trauma. The trust unfortunately is broken, and you need to let yourself grieve the loss of the relationship and what you thought your life would have been. As you would with a physical injury, you need to baby your emotional health bc it is fragile right now.

Get yourself some counseling to talk through your feelings if you’re open to it. I was skeptical of counselors until I had a personal issue causing me great anxiety. I was at my wits end and turned to counseling out of desperation. It helped immensely. Just saying my feelings out loud to a non-judgmental person was very therapeutic.

Survivinginfidelity.com as pp mentioned is also a great resource.

Just keep in mind that your emotional recovery may take a while…maybe years given how long you were together and how close you were to marrying her…there is no quick fix to a broken heart. So be kind to yourself.

 

Post # 21
Hostess
8204 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

Delete all her details

Do not go back to her

 

Take the time to look after yourself, learn new hobbies. I know it takes time to get over betrayal but when you do, you will thank yourself a million times over. I promise you.  

Post # 22
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

Your post could’ve been written by my fiance. He was engaged and his fiance cheated on him with multiple guys. He also supported her when she was only making a few thousand a year. He stayed with her for longer than he should’ve, but things finally ended. He moved on and found me. It took him 5 years to propose, he was moving slowly due to how much he had been previously hurt. But, he moved on and built a whole new life with me, and he has said how much happier he has been over the past few years as opposed to previously. He and I are a much better match regarding our interests and hobbies, and I obviously treat him with more respect than his ex did.

It will hurt and will take time. But there is someone better out there for you. Someone who will value you and not be out there looking for other guys. Do not reach out to her!

Post # 23
Member
2844 posts
Sugar bee

I’m so so sorry, that must be so heartbreaking.

I would take the necessary steps to separate completely and work towards moving on. I know it doesn’t feel this way (at all) right now, but it may be a blessing in disguise. At least you found out now before getting married and not 5 -10 years down the line when you’re already married and she’s having another affair.

My sister in law found out her fiancé was cheating just months before her wedding and it shattered her for a while. But a couple of years later she met her now-husband who is apparently a MUCH better guy and a much better match for her than her ex (even besides the cheating). If he hadn’t cheated on her she never would have had a chance to meet this guy that she’s so much happier with. 

It will take time, but you’ll get through this and find someone that will treat you better in the end. 

Post # 24
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

The fact that her conscience/moral compass never kicked in when she cheated so that she would own her mistake, and she only confessed after being caught tells me that she isn’t an honest person and she doesn’t have much integrity. You sound like a nice guy who got a raw deal. You can do better than her. 

Post # 26
Member
500 posts
Busy bee

fishernater :  dude i dunno what you want us to say. she cheated. she has not spoken to you for 30 days. she LIED about cheating and HID it until YOU confronted HER.

she doesnt want to be with you AND she is a liar and a cheat. 

be glad to be shot of her before you wre married!!! or worse, had some kids!!

it will take time to get over and thats normal. every time you want to call her, think of how much of a liar and a cheat she is. dont pressure yourself to date again until you are ready. go to the gym. enjoy relaxing alone.. reclaim your identity. there are many women around 

Post # 27
Member
930 posts
Busy bee

fishernater :  Hi friend, First of all, terribly sorry you went through this. She dropped the ball on her end as a gf and fiancee. She disrespected you, and then lied and hid it. You, as a person, deserve to be treated better than this. We, as woman, constantly dread the ‘what if he cheats’ situation coming true. I know its very much the same for some guys. If your ex couldnt go without seeing you for a few days or weeks at a time without infidelity, how could she manage a serious marriage? No way.

I have zero tolerance for cheating, so it makes even flirting that others may see as harmless, a no go zone for me. I remember my first ex (First serious bf) cheated on me with a woman he said was just his friend. I was completely naive and let him live his life. We would talk about marriage and getting engaged that year. The betrayal was what hurt because I really felt we were a team. A power couple, wiht no insecurities, adn plenty of trust and respect.

Turns out I was dead wrong, and deeply humiliated. 

I moved on, and it hurt like hell, I went through depression and anxiety and insecurity for the next guys. Every guy friend I had would talk in a way that lead me to believe they would cheat on their gfs or wives. It was sickening and made me feel like a pile of doodoo. 

Long story short, i am now in love with a great man. Yes, he doesnt know that I for sure wouldnt cheat (which I wouldnt), and I dont knwo that he for sure wouldnt cheat in the future. But its life, and even being an anxious person, i cant let those thoughts lcloud me every day. I have to give people the benefit of my doubts. And if this guy hurts me and the next one, I will always remember, theres someone with my same morals, that may very well make it through life with me.

Stay strong, brother.

Post # 28
Member
47 posts
Newbee

I just want to start by saying, unlike most people replying to your post, that I don’t think your ex-girlfriend is a terrible humanbeing for cheating in a relationship. (And no I have never cheated on anyone to have a neutral opinion)

I personally think the combination of you being away for work and all the added stress had alot to do with her poor decisions, but ultimately I Think it comes down to her not being ready to be committed to one person for the rest of her life at this point in her life. She also needs to mature and grow to the same level you are at in order for your Love to ever be reciprocated. 

People in general love the attention of the opposite sex , especially if they are attractive. But if they lack respect and maturity if they act on those attractions. 

Personslly, I think even if you feel like you want her back right now you will eventually realize you two didn’t want the same things. You want the IDEA of her and who you THOUGHT she was, but she was unfaithful and was able to keep it quiet for months. Really, think about that! How well could you have possibly known her if she was able to hide something like that. 

Give yourself some time. Keep working towards your career goals, be the best employee. Work out, cut your hair, meet new people… there’s a reason why some women do this after a major breakup or life change, because it helps to say goodbye to the memories in the rearview with a fresh new you! 

This May sound creepy but if you ever need to talk to someone. Reply to this message. We can email or something…

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