(Closed) She does not want my best friends invited. Need advice please!

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Oooh…I definitely think that not inviting them could be damaging to the friendship, especially if others they know will be in attendance. However, it is a sticky situation because you do not want your fiancee to feel uncomfortable at her own wedding!  Perhaps you could keep part of the wedding to family only (such as the ceremony) and open the rest to everyone? Perhaps talking to your fiancee and finding out more about what makes her uncomfortable will help you to both work toward a solution together. Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee

Well can you invite your friends and not their significant others? You’re keeping the wedding super-small and as your friends they should be able to respect that.

Post # 5
Member
267 posts
Helper bee

If the women were just girlfriends you could theoretically argue "tiny wedding" and get away with not inviting them (or anyone else’s boyfriend/girlfriend), but wives are another matter. There’s really no way NOT to invite someone’s wife to a wedding, it would be a real slap in the face. I like the idea of keeping the ceremony family-only and invite your friends to a reception. And definitely talk to your fiancee and see what exactly the problem is.

Post # 6
Member
202 posts
Helper bee

i would just be honest with your two friends. invite them but let them know that the wedding is super intimate, with just family and a handful of friends, without their significant others. just people on both sides with whom you are closest. that you had to keep it small, so unfortunately, you cannot invite their wives. and then they can decide if they will accept or decline your invitation. but yes, definitely invite your two friends. but talk to them about it so that they understand your side (inviting them w/o their significant others w/o saying anything will probably confuse or upset them or their wives, unless they know the details of your wedding). 

your wife’s wishes are priority now, so yes, if she does not want certain guests to be there, just tell the friends that their is a limit/cap on the guestlist so you only have room for immediate friends. g’luck!

Post # 7
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

If you want to invite your friends, their significant others must be invited…they’re a package deal…especially if they are married or have been in a relationship for a long time. It would be extremely rude to do that.

My FI’s has one friend I absolutely cannot stand. He is rude and generally unpleasant. I was adamant I didn’t want him in the wedding.  But, my Fiance considers him one of his best friends and told me how important it was to him to have his friend there.  In the end, I realized that my Fiance being happy was more important than me disliking his friend.

Try talking to her about it again.  I have a hard time believing that she really doesn’t want those women there as much as you want your friends there. Stress how close you are and how much it would mean to you. Even at a small wedding, with her close friends and family there, she won’t even notice them.

Post # 8
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

So if you don’t mind me asking why would it make things uncomfortable if these two woman there? 

In the case of the girlfriend, un;less she’s been major long term, he should be able to say "SOrry babe I have a commitment and it’s a small ceremony, be back in a few days"

But I have to admit, if I was your best friend and you disliked my husband and only invited me somewhere – I woulnd’t come. I guess I feel like a husband/wife are a package deal – there’s no way around this. 

Not inviting to very close friends will strain a friendship. Can’t they stay in a hotel?  

Post # 9
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee

If my friend said, "I am only having 10 people at my wedding and I would like you there but we are not inviting dates/significant others to keep it really small and intimate," I really don’t think I would be offended.  I love my Fiance but we are detachable and are able to spent a weekend apart. 

 Your wife’s happiness is the really important thing here as it is her wedding day and really you will spend most of your time with her.  If you were having a 150 person wedding I would say she is being unreasonable but given how small it will be if these women really bother her, she won’t be able to avoid seeing them, and it could ruin the whole day for her, and wouldn’t that be a tragedy?

Post # 10
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I agree with vyeta.  My Fiance and I are definately detachable.  Brent, it sounds like you know the reason why your inteneded does not like these women.  I would guess your friends also know that she doesn’t their Significant Others.  Talk to them.  Most guys I know wouldn’t be offended.  Their SO’s would be.  You should have your boys there.

We are inviting people that I would prefer stay home.  It’s also no skin off my nose to hug them, kiss them, and keep stepping.  I’ll be too busy being a wife to pay much attention to them.

Post # 11
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

This is interesting – my Fiance was married before, and just last weekend at my bachelorette some of the girls (who are wives of his best friends) got on a rant about his first wife.  It turns out that his friends were invited to his first wedding (which was very small, in his ex’s parent’s living room) but only one of their wives was invited. 

Whether or not this "damaged" his friendships is the interesting question.  The couple who were both invited were good friends with him and his ex for years.  For other couples (where only the guy was invited) the guys remained friends, although there were years that they didn’t do much together – primarily because the guys’ wives thought that FI’s ex was a b*tch.  This absolutely stems from the wedding invitation situation.

The real issue is that in the long term, it’s going to be very hard for you to remain good friends with guys if you can only get together "just the guys" because your wife won’t be in the same room with their wives, or vice versa.  Starting out your marriage by insulting your friends’ wife and girlfriend is not a great way to maintain the friendship.  You might want to have a long talk with your Fiance, and figure out what’s really up here.  If these women have done something really horrible to her, then there need to be apologies.  But otherwise, she doesn’t get to pick your friends, or be rude to them, just as you don’t get to be that way with her friends.  Trying to overly control your spouse’s relationships outside the marriage is not something that’s going to lead to long-term happiness.  I have one guy friend who is currently going through a divorce (after a year of marriage) over this same issue – his wife pitches a fit whenever he tries to see any of his friends from before the marriage, and has started to be the same way about his family.  You really just can’t live that way.

Post # 12
Member
341 posts
Helper bee

OK, I’m understanding where she is coming from.  When my husband and I decided to get engaged, the wives of his 2 best friends tried really hard to fix him up with another woman, and had a special "meeting" with him to discuss his happiness.  I laughed it off, and it didn’t cause any problems, but we slowly stopped hanging out with them…….of course they both are divorced now,  and we are in our 26th year of marriage…so…..I just get your gal.

Post # 13
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think the way to approach this is to ask your Fiance to HONESTLY think about how she would feel if, down the road, a friend tells you he wants YOU to come to the wedding but insists that you leave HER at home.  

I don’t think there is ANY tactful or polite way to tell your friends that you think they made a bad choice in wives– because that is what you will be saying if you invite them w/o their spouses.  It doesn’t matter if it’s "really" only your Fiance passing this judgement, b/c you will be supporting her in her decision to exclude them.

I say, if you are going to invite ANY of the "close circle" you should invite ALL (INCLUDING spouses).  Or be prepared to lose some friends over this.

Post # 14
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Why doesn’t she want to invite them? I would be very upset if I wasn’t invited to a wedding that my husband was. I can’t really think of a good way to justify it.

Post # 16
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Sorry you are going through this but I think I have some solid advice, Etiquette wise you are not obligated to invite any girlfriend unless they are actually engaged, conversely you CANNOT invite a married (or affianced person) without their wife or fiancee.  In the end, you may have to choose between your husband’s comfort level and your friends–I know its unfortunate but if it were you who was going to be uncomfortable…we would want him to accommodate you.

The topic ‘She does not want my best friends invited. Need advice please!’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors