(Closed) She doesn’t even have the decency . . .

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
35 posts
  • Wedding: August 2012

🙁  Sorry to hear this.  Do you have a back-up bridemaid who is about the same size?  I’d ask for the dress back if you do!  Petty, I know, but I’d still do it!

Post # 4
1 posts
  • Wedding: January 2011

Excuse this being my first post but I’m sorry what!! That is so rude. Good on you for letting it roll off your back and being the better person.

Post # 5
293 posts
Helper bee

I”m not sure if there’s more to the story, but from what you’ve said I can’t imagine ending a years-long friendship over this?

It would have been nicer if she told you in person but she may have felt ashamed or too scared of your reaction and thought email would be easier. It sounds like she may have a lot of trouble going on in her life. 

I’m really sorry to hear that you lost a bridesmaid but please take some time to cool off before you say things you may regret to your friend!

Post # 7
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

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@rolling berry: I have to agree.

Do you REALLY want to end a friendship over a wedding?  Outside of the parties (which, sorry, just aren’t some people’s cup of tea), all they really need to do is show up.  For ONE DAY. 

Yes, it means A LOT to you, as the bride, but, maybe she wasn’t really keen on being a bridesmaid.  Or there could be, like the PP said, things going on in her personal life she doesn’t want to share with anyone.

MANY people find it easier to write than to verbalize what they are feeling.  Considering your reaction, I can completely see why she would’ve gone this route: Fear of you blowing up over it.

Unless you know EXACTLY what is going in her life, how can you justify ending a friendship over an email saying she’s backing out of being a BM?  If she was a close enough friend for you to ask, doesn’t she deserve a phone call, AFTER you’ve calmed down, asking what’s going on and saying you’re sorry, hurt, and upset she’s backing out? 

Post # 11
3048 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

Aw, that really sucks. Especially since you bought her all that stuff. I would want it back…

I have to admit, I once told my (not so close friend) that I couldn’t be a Bridesmaid or Best Man anymore on a facebook message. I STILL feel awful about it, and it cost our friendship. She never responded. I knew I should have just called her. But I hadn’t heard from her in months, and she changed her wedding date to the middle of the summer (I had a camp to work at) and when she told me about the Bridesmaid or Best Man dress, it was $100 and I couldn’t afford it at the time. Ugh, if I knew how stupid I was being I would have just called the girl!

People make mistakes 🙁

Post # 12
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

View original reply
@Nap: Personally, if I thought I’d have my head bit off for backing out, I’d just send an email and be done. 

Why would anyone want to call someone if they suspect they are going to be torn a new one (and you know what I mean by that) because they realized a) they can’t or b) they don’t want to be in the wedding.

Unless someone enjoys being in a situation like that, they’re going to take the easy way out.

Perhaps it’s because I’m not, and would not, require so much from ANYONE in my wedding, since I know they have their own lives that don’t revolve around me. 

Post # 13
535 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

You deserve a phone call for this.  I don’t think she is being honest about why she can’t be in your wedding.   If she can afford to go to Disney for 10 days, clearly she isn’t having financial issues (Disney is not a cheap trip).

I wouldn’t end the friendship over it but she is clearly not telling you something. 

Post # 14
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

View original reply
@Zinzerena: She didnt really ask for anything in this case, so I have no idea to what you are infering here. In fact it seems the bride in this case paid for the majority of the responsibilities, accepted her lack of attendence at specific events, and the very least she ACTUALLY expected was a phone call of her resignation as a bridesmaid. Im sorry. but if thats demanding alot, then I dont know what is reasonable for either side anymore for wedding parties and brides.

As for taking the easy way out of emailing…look we are all adults here, we have to deal with unpleasantness sometimes, including disappointing the people in our lives. Instead of doing so via a phone call (which in this case was the adult thing to do) she emailed the bride and thus alienated her. The bride, also disappointed, instead of replying, came here to vent…in that sense shes accepting the disappointment and anger but doing the adult thing by being discret about it. Im afraid I cant say the same for her friend- even if it was an unpleasant experience, I believe I would owe at least that much to a good friend if I had to back out unexpectedly.

Post # 15
2050 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Nap: You deserved a phone call based on the gravity of the situation. This isn’t just a “hey, I can’t come to the movies with the girls Friday night” this is a wedding matter, and as a friend for so many years, it is she that should have phoned you and not treated you so flippantly with an email. It is on track with her texting vs. calling. All this cowardly hiding behind technology; people have forgotten etiquette and honorable human interaction equal to the scenario. True, if she had called, you’d be upset, but at least you would have respected her decision because she would have respected you enough to call. You especially deserved a phone call after all you spent to assist her in being a Bridesmaid or Best Man in the first place. I’d call her and calmly say you received her email and now request everything back from her that you bought her for the wedding. The dress, the hairpiece, the bag, etc. Speaking of decency, if she had an ounce of it left in her, she would have offered it all back to you instead of making you have to request it. As it stands, you just bought her a nice new outfit for her to wear somewhere else. Grr. I am upset for you!

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