She had an affair, a year before our wedding! Should I still marry her ?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Should I forgive her
    yes : (3 votes)
    2 %
    no : (190 votes)
    98 %
  • Post # 2
    67 posts
    Worker bee

    Umm…the answer is no. Actively planning an affair is not a mistake. She is just comfortable with you and feels bad that she got caught. She does not feel bad for having the affair. You need leave and start over with someone new who you won’t have to always feel lost with and wonder if they are cheating on you. 

    Post # 3
    10543 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State


    Post # 4
    1130 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

    Oh, honey. I’m sorry you have to hear it by a total stranger, but this is NOT a perfect relationship. 

    She PLANNED an entire trip to cheat on you. When I plan a trip for a vacation, it can take days, weeks.

    1. She spent time missing this man in a lustful way
    2. She made the conscious decision to cheat on you
    3. She spent days/weeks making reservations/plans to meet up with him, to cheat
    4. She then carried on lying to you until the departure day actually came.
    5. Then, she did it AGAIN, with more stealth. 

    Someone who truly loves and respects their man does not EVER get past step 1.

    Post # 5
    5624 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: July 2018

    This isn’t a mistake. She went out of her way at least twice to be with someone who isn’t you, the most recent time she spent a week with this guy and god knows how many other times it has happened!

    She might care about you but she doesn’t love or respect you.

    Plus why would you even go into a marriage thinking YOU will then cheat down the line and she will have to forgive you?

    Post # 7
    132 posts
    Blushing bee

    Fooled you once, shame on her. Fooled you twice, shame on you.

    There are plenty of quality women out there who actually want to love and respect you. Go find one of them!

    Post # 8
    1319 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2019

    What? No. She is a liar and a cheater who has zero respect for you. Only marry her if you’re prepared to be cheated on for the entirety of your relationship (and to eventually be left, probably). 

    Post # 9
    694 posts
    Busy bee

    Once a cheater always a cheater.

    She has done this twice now (that you know of) and has obviously been in regular contact with this other love interest.

    They have not been “mistakes” they have been conscious, planned moves.

    she does not value your relationship.

    once a cheater always a cheater.

    say goodbye.

    Post # 11
    430 posts
    Helper bee

    The first time, shame on her. The second (3rd, 4th and 5th because there will be) time, shame on you. She has now shown you again and again that she is untrustworthy. And listen, she may have some very nice qualities but she has lied to you several times and does not seem prone to monogamy. That does not make a good wife no matter what other wonderful traits she has. She will not give you the marriage you seem to be longing for. You need to move on! You seem like a very nice person with lots of love to give. Don’t waste anymore of it on her.

    Post # 13
    4207 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

    This woman chases after other men even when things in your relationship are going well… what do you think will happen when you hit a rough patch?

    She may say all the things you want to hear, but the fact is, this woman does not respect you. She told another man that HE was her number one. NOT the man she’s planning to marry. This wasn’t a spur of the moment drunken mistake, which would be bad enough. This was calculated and planned. She lied to your face for how long just so she could hook up with this guy. Doesn’t it scare you how easily she can lie to you? She told another man that she will always love him. Call me crazy but I would like the person I marry to NOT be in love with someone else, and telling them so. She said she knew she was risking your relationship by having an affair but it was worth the risk. That tells me that this affair was more important to her than your relationship. That would not fly with me.

    You fiance didn’t give two sh*ts about hurting you, she wanted to get her freak on, so she did. I’m sorry to say it, but you don’t matter that much to her. To her, you matter less than she does and less than that guy she hooked up with. Are you OK with that? Will you ever trust her again?

    I’d be out. I’ve already spent 7 years with a “partner” who constantly lied to me, who made me feel like I was crazy and jealous, who told several other women that he loved them while coming home and pretending to love me. That’s not love and that’s not what I deserve. You deserve better too.

    Post # 14
    789 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2018 - Farm

    View original reply
    tospa10260 :  You deserve better than this. Love shouldn’t hurt like this. If she really and truly lovd and cared for you then she wouldn’t have planned and followed through with cheating and having an affair. It wasn’t just emotional. I was both a physical and emotional affair or cheating. She knew exactly what she was doing. She didn’t care about you or your feelings when she did it. She planned the lie and the cover up. So if I were you I would move on. She doesn’t have any remorse. She text this guy about how much she loves him and risked it all to be with him she didn’t care about what it would do to you or the relationship. Move on. I know it’s easier said than done but she doesn’t deserve you.  I think she would marry you and still sleep with this guy too. Key words she planned this. She was hoping you didn’t find out and that she wouldn’t get caught.

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