She had an affair, a year before our wedding! Should I still marry her ?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Should I forgive her

    yes

    no

  • Post # 16
    Member
    1499 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    Lol, some people are bank robbers. You don’t have to marry a bank robber.  If you DO marry a bank robber, don’t be surprised if they keep robbing banks.   Ditch the cheater unless you want what comes with it: STDs, divorce, questionable paternity, financial issues, more pain and embarassment.  

    You don’t have a perfect relationship if your partner is willing to harm you on purpose, with a significant amount of planning… and then does it again.

    Post # 17
    Member
    1405 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

    You sound like you’re looking at this through rose-colored glasses.  I’m so sorry you’ve been hurt by her, but I think she’s made it pretty clear she’s not as in to you as you are for her.  You don’t really have a perfect relationship, I’m sorry to say.  You deserve someone who can be honest and loyal to you.  Don’t forgive again.

    Post # 18
    Member
    132 posts
    Blushing bee

    View original reply
    tospa10260 :  I may as well add that I happen to have an ex who did this to me: He had asked to borrow my car to go visit his dad, and it turned out that he was actually planning to drive to a hotel in another state to meet some girl he met online. His excuse was that she was just a really good friend and he wanted to hang out with her, they weren’t planning on having sex or anything…lol yeah ok. In reality, that’s exactly what his plan was, and had I not caught him, he would have followed through. Just like your chick did!

    I was desperate to see the good in him, so I believed him when he said he couldn’t live without me, and I forgave…but then he dumped me a year later once he had locked down a new girlfriend. In fact, he moved out of my house and into her house the very same night he broke up with me.

    Its ok if you’re not ready to make a decision right now; it’s completely normal that you want to see the best in her, and you certainly aren’t the first person to try to make excuses for this kind of shady behavior. She was in your life for 7 years! Just make sure to give yourself all the time and space you need, and don’t forget that you have the right and responsibility to put yourself first.

    Post # 19
    Member
    201 posts
    Helper bee

    She may be a great person, but it sounds like she has a fatal character flaw. You’re trying to convince yourself you’ll be able to turn a blind eye to her indisrections in the name of your love, but is it worth being constantly stressed out about the rest of your life?

    Post # 21
    Member
    11252 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    View original reply
    tospa10260 :  

    Nothing to be lost about, Bee.  It’s time to let this one go. Not simply because of the incidents of cheating—that you know of, thus far, but because she lacks good character 

    Life is challenging enough without tying yourself to someone who is not trustworthy.

    Cheating episodes are often like icebergs.  You only see about a third above the surface.  It’s the parts you’ve not seeing that will really bite you on the proverbial derrière.

    You don’t have to put up with this.  The world is full of loving, wonderful women, of sterling character. You clearly have much to offer in a relationship.

    Have you ever gamed this all the way out and considered what kind of influence this woman would be on your children?

    Post # 22
    Member
    2332 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I’m really not trying to be mean, but you need to get yourself some self-esteem.

    On some level, you must think you don’t deserve TRUE love and devotion is you’re really considering settling for this train wreck of a woman. 

    Post # 23
    Member
    3066 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2021

    “I do think that she really loves me though, and wants to spend her life with me.”

    No. She doesn’t. I’m sorry but it’s the truth.

    She is comfortable with you and feels secure with you and doesn’t want to lose that. But she doesn’t love you or respect you. If she did, she wouldn’t have actively PLANNED to cheat on you… twice.

    Your entire description of the relationship sounds very much to me like you are desperately trying to justify the investments you have made into the relationship. It sucks when you have given years of your life to someone only for them to throw it away, but you can’t justify continuing a relationship because of the time you’ve already put in. You shouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who has hurt you and will more likely than not, continue to hurt you. 

    By staying, and by marrying her, you are telling her “it’s ok to cheat on me and to lie to me, as long as you say you’re sorry after”. It’s not ok and it shouldn’t be ok. Don’t set yourself us for a life of disappointment. 

    Post # 24
    Member
    2072 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

     

    View original reply
    tospa10260 :   I am willing to forgive her in the name of love and because I know life is not easy, there is always ups and down in relationships.

    Oh bee, she basically told you she’s willing to hurt, lie and betray your trust whenever she gets the opportunity.  Marriage means nothing to her at least not marriage to you.

    You couldn’t even forgive her for the first violation……are you actually naive enough to think this won’t completely destroy everything you think you have with this woman?  If so, you are living in a dream world. Poison has been released into your relationship bee.  It doesn’t go away because of a confession, it festers and grows and pretty soon what you see as “perfect” will be completely rotted away and the actual true natue of your relationship will show….like gangrene.  

    Just because you love her doesn’t mean she’s right for you.  She’s showing you who she is….a lying, selfish, serial cheater….and no she won’t stop and she doesn’t care that it hurts you.  When she tires of having to answer to you she will walk away and you’ll be left to deal with the carnage.

    You’re in love with a lie….and its not even her lies really, its your own.  Wonder how long before you stop deluding yourself.  You need a better definition of both love and forgiveness bee and you need it soon.

    Post # 25
    Member
    1458 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

    There’s nothing to be lost about. 

    You are hurt- OK. 

    You are angry- good. 

    You are sad- OK, understandable. 

    But you are not a doormat. 

    I repeat, you are not a doormat. 

    You are a complex human being with feelings and needs that need to be met. One of them is that your partner is to be faithful to you and the other is that they will not lie to you. 

    She did both. 

    Twice. 

    Bye, b*tch. 

    No second chances. 

    Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me. 

    You see this one coming. Don’t ignore the warning signs. 

    Post # 26
    Member
    215 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    Dear, gawd… please dont marry her, OP ):

    Post # 27
    Member
    396 posts
    Helper bee

    Noooo don’t marry her. You deserve better, and you deserve someone who is faithful. Her actions show she has no respect for you, or your relationship. You can do better. 

    Post # 28
    Member
    1669 posts
    Bumble bee

    She sounds awful. Have you asked her why does she want to marry you when she told some other guy that he is her number one? Are you the one providing the nice lifestyle for her?

    Post # 29
    Member
    3065 posts
    Sugar bee

    View original reply
    tospa10260 :  first of all,

    i understand you are upset but please don’t say that we see so many divorces nowadays because people dont like to work on things. 

    Thats crap. We see divorces because there are people like your girlfriend who cheat and are selfish. Whatever you do in this situation, don’t make someone else feel bad because they didn’t want to be someones door mat and they left because they realized deserve better instead of “working it out like they should”.

    I understand that is not what you were trying to say, but there are plenty of people on here who are going through something similar and it is unfair to throw that steretype out there of why we see divorces and putting the blame on them. 

    sorry, rant over. I can see you love her very very very much and it sounds like you want to work on things. Personally, i think she cant be trusted based on what you have found multiple times. And it sounds like she is with you because she cant be with that guy for some reason.

    I am sure she is a great person and you guys are very happy, but she has a side to her that you are refusing to accept. If you stay together, i would hope that you guys at least go to counseling and figure out why she has this need to cheat even though she loves you so much. You are going to need it for yourself, too. Trying to get over someone hurting you like that eats at you. Just when you think you are over it, it pops back up.

    I wish you happiness. 

     

    Post # 30
    Member
    2006 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    HELL NO. I can’t believe you are even considering marrying her still. This is a no brainer. She does not love you or respect you. You THINK she does but she has SHOWN you otherwise. Why don’t you believe her actions? You really are attached to her words. You need to have some dignity and walk away from this relationship. And by no means is your relationship perfect. In your mind it is but thats because she is living life the way she wants it so she isn’t bothered with issues in your relationship because she has her boyfriend too so of course she’s happy.

    Leave a comment


    Find Amazing Vendors