She had an affair, a year before our wedding! Should I still marry her ?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Should I forgive her

    yes

    no

  • Post # 31
    Member
    475 posts
    Helper bee

    Don’t marry her. She will continue to hurt you, get away from her now. If you live together, move out, block her number, delete/block her on social media and move on with your life.

     

    Post # 32
    Member
    1069 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2018 - -

    An emphatic NOOOOOO!!! She does not deserve a loving husband while she annually goes off to fuck some other guy and live in fantasy land. She does not know what the word commitment means!!!

    Post # 33
    Member
    5134 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I have a feeling she’s getting away with this shit because she’s good looking (on the outside at least). If you have to ask whether or not you should marry someone, you shouldn’t be with them at all.

    And since you seem a but clueless, here’s something to remember: words mean nothing. Actions mean everything. So the fact that she tells you how much she loves you doesn’t matter at all. It’s obviously bs because her actions are anything but loving. 

    Stop being a total patsy. Find some self-respect. Break up with this girl.

    Post # 34
    Member
    476 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2019 - City, State

    View original reply
    tospa10260 :  so when I clicked the voting, I accidentally hit yes, but you definitely should not marry this woman. 

    Post # 35
    Member
    443 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    I’m so sorry she treated you this way. You don’t deserve this.

    Relationships only work if they are built on trust. You do not have that with this woman. She has demonstrated multiple times that she is willing to hurt you and lie to you. She continuously breaks your trust. You can’t have a relationship with her.

    Leave her. Without trust, there is no love.

    You can do better. You can find someone who loves you and cherishes you and doesn’t cheat on you. You deserve someone who will care for you and only have eyes for you.

    Are you supporting her financially? If so, that might be the reason she has stuck around this long. Because it is clear she doesn’t love you. You don’t treat someone you love like this. 

    If she cheated on you once in such a methodical way, she’s probably done it a dozen times. Someone who does that doesn’t love their partner.

    Post # 36
    Member
    4474 posts
    Honey bee

    Pleaae get tested for STIs immediately. Make sure they test for everything. 

    Post # 37
    Member
    3066 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2021

    View original reply
    L606 :  I wanted to add to your point that the reason we see so many divorces is also partly because people look past red flags and get married anyways when they shouldn’t.

     

    Post # 38
    Member
    3065 posts
    Sugar bee

    View original reply
    sboom :  GOOD POINT! Yes! 

    I understand you are engaged OP and really want to work through this. But sometimes things reveal themselves at the right time (like before marriage) where you stil have a chance to walk away and not become part of the divorce statistic later on. 

    Post # 39
    Member
    273 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2018

    View original reply
    tospa10260 :  Do you want to be married to someone who doesn’t choose you first? Do you want the person you love to be married to someone that isn’t her first choice?

    Unfortunately, love is not enough. She may very well love you, but she continues to not make your relationship the priority. The best thing you can do for both of you is to let her go so she can find her first choice, and you can find someone who chooses you the first time, every time. 

    Post # 40
    Member
    1641 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2021 - Glacier National Park-Montana

    When I first started reading I was thinking maybe another chance after poor judgement.  Glad I read it all because it’s time to get out of that.  You deserve someone that wants you and only you!  What she did is completely unforgivable. 

    Post # 41
    Member
    2623 posts
    Sugar bee

    Based on her behaviour, she WILL continue to cheat on you. This isn’t a situation where she slipped up and came clean. She actively PLANNED to cheat on you, and even though you found out, she found another way to lie to you and intentionally cheat on you. 

    This is a very macabre comparison, but it’s a bit like the difference between first degree murder and manslaughter. Manslaughter could be when a person finds something terrible out and goes into a fit of rage and starts a fight and the victim succumbs to their injuries. Or someone is driving recklessly under the influence and hits a pedestrian. Whereas in first degree murder the perpetrator rationally plans ahead to deliberately take another persons life. They decide they will kill someone, make a plan to do it, collect the weapons, and follow through. There is cold, calculating forethought and intention behind it.

    Both are horrible and in almost all cases unforgivable, but one clearly carries more weight than the other and has a significantly higher risk of re-offending. 

    Post # 42
    Member
    15210 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Good Lord NO do no marry her.  She ACTIVELY PLANNED TO CHEAT!!!!!!!!!!!   And then told the other dude it was worth it???  She’s not sorry, she’s sorry she got caught.  You’re the back up… time filler until she can get with him somehow… or anyone else probably cause she has no respect for you and the relationship with you.

    Post # 43
    Member
    7802 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    How are the three of you having a perfect relationship? What is missing in your relationship with her that makes her want to be with him, and what is missing in her relationship with him that would make her still want to marry you?

    Either way, you are getting the short end of the stick here. Do you want to marry two people? Because that’s what you’d be doing. 

    Post # 44
    Member
    2425 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    View original reply
    tospa10260 :  your relationship is not “perfect” or she wouldn’t be doing this. You caught her attempting to cheat on you, you took her back and she actually cheated on you? She flew to another country to fuck some dream dude? 

    Please leave her, she does not love you. She probably got shut down by the other guy and that’s why she came back. 

    Post # 45
    Member
    2794 posts
    Sugar bee

    I am not saying that I will cheat in the future. I said that because this situation made me do a lots of researches about couple therapy and I found out cheating happens in so many marriages. The longer it last the more chance it has to happen obviously. Most people who cheat are people who also were thinking “I will never do it.”

    I had an ex who tried to tell me the same to rationalize his infidelity — x% of relationships have cheating so this isn’t so unusual and shouldn’t be a big deal, blah blah blah. Well, you know what?

    A) Even if that were true, I’d rather be single than be in a relationship where I’m cheated on or otherwise disrespected

    B) Even if 50% of people cheat, there are another 50% who DON’T, and I since I know I won’t cheat, don’t I deserve to be with someone else who won’t? 

    C) Let’s say the odds are 50-50 statistically that a marriage will have cheating. Those are actually pretty GOOD odds that you can find a partner who won’t, and they get even better once you start screening out everyone who shows signs of sketchy behavior. For comparison, I got into a school with a 6% acceptance rate, meaning 94% of people didn’t get in; by your logic, I should have said, “there’s a 94% chance this could end in rejection, I should just not apply and stick with applying to schools with high acceptance rates”. Think about the odds for most competitive jobs, universities, etc. MOST applicants will be turned away, and a select few will get in. But don’t you want to strive to be one of those select few rather than settle? Those kind of odds are a lot worse odds than you usually see for marriages to end in divorce or cheating. My point being, you wouldn’t just succumb to the odds and decide failure is inevitable and settle for that in other areas of your life, so why on earth would you settle for that in a MARRIAGE, your most important and longest lasting relationship? 

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