She had an affair, a year before our wedding! Should I still marry her ?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Should I forgive her

    yes

    no

  • Post # 46
    Member
    53 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

    You received many good responses in the thread, and I think everyone agrees that you should NOT give her another chance, do NOT marry her, and should end things ASAP. I am really sorry for you, I really am, because no one should be put through that after the way you described your picture perfect relationship. Your world must be crashing down right now, and it’s going to be extremely hard and extremely difficult to walk away since you love her so much, but you have to be strong willed and listen to your HEAD and not your heart. She did the most [email protected]^ked up thing a person can do in a relationship.. and if you ever think of forgiving her, you are not respecting yourself. So, I know we all can tell you so much but to actually do something about it is all dependent on you. Like I said, I know it’s going to be the hardest thing ever and it’s going to be very painful.. but you gotta push through.

    Post # 50
    Member
    990 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    tospa10260 :  I read your post to my DH, whose first wife was cheating on him with exes early in their relationship and then carried on an affair for at least 10 of the 20 years they were married (at least, that he’s aware of – there may have been more). His response? He rolled his eyes. Because he remembers being in your shoes. And wishing that he had gotten out before he married her, before he had kids, before he spent 20 years living a lie. 

    Run. Just because 7 years of your life was wasted in this woman doesn’t mean you have to waste more time on her. You’re young still – go find someone who lives you and respects you and will be the partner you deserve. 

    Post # 53
    Member
    895 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    tospa10260 :  That is the biggest load of crap ever. He wont commit to her because he is getting his cake and eating it too. She is flying all over the place to see him. 

    As for this research you have read up on about the longer marriages go on, the more likely someone is to cheat,  this also a load of garbage. There are millions of people who have been married ages who dont cheat on their spouses.  My mother and father in law have been married 56 years and they have never looked at another person.  Most of the people I know have been married for many many years and they have never even thought about cheating on their spouse. 

    I have to wonder if you have low self esteem. It sounds like you think marriage to a cheater is the only viable option left. IT IS NOT!!! You need to get yourself to a therapist and find out why you would stay with someone who doesnt even really love you. She considers you second best. 

    There is an old saying. “Dont make someone a priority in your life, when you are only an option in theirs.” She has made it clear from her behavior, that you are only an option, and he is the priority. Her actions say it.

    Right now is the time in a fiancee’s life when she should be planning her wedding. She should be looking at venue’s, picking out flowers, deciding on a dress, not planning to commit infidelity. 

    Edited to add: Are you prepared for a lifetime of her flying off to see him whenever? Every time she goes out that door you are going to be wondering if she is with him. What happen if he gets her pregnant? Are you prepared to raise his child if she were to get pregnant by him? And if she does get pregnant you are going to wonder in the back of your mind if that child is really yours. 

    Please dont marry this woman. Please for the love of all that is holy, do not commit yourself to this woman. She is clearly in love with this other man, and she is just settling for you. 

    Post # 54
    Member
    2308 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2018

    Im firmly against cheating. Alcohol to me isn’t an excuse.

    This girl didn’t just make a lapse in judgment with a whole lot of alcohol. She actively planned to cheat. She had many weeks or whatever to change her mind and she didn’t. This makes her the worst time of cheat and she will cheat again. 

    Post # 55
    Member
    2428 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

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    tospa10260 :  dude she’s lying to you, she’s telling you she could have him but wants you. In reality this dude won’t leave his girlfriend for her. And even if he did want to be with her, she still cheated on you. Leave her. 

    Post # 56
    Member
    874 posts
    Busy bee

    She’s a stone-cold cheater and she is taking advantage of you.  People do what they think they can get away with, and she decided that even after you FOUND OUT about her plan to cheat and “stopped her”, it was worth it to her to go through with it.  To the point where she made new plans, such around, and then openly said to the man how happy she was that she did it and her feelings for him.

    At this point, she thinks you are a pushover and that her horrible actions will go without any consequences.  Of course she is going to want a stable man who loves her around to use for her emotional comfort and companionship….especially if there are no repercussions for her when she decides to go “play” with other men whenever she wants to. But that is all you are to her. Just something stable and predictable that she no longer appreciates.

    I’m a traditionally attractive girl who receives a lot of attention, too. I used to absolutely love it and was very energized by flattery. Sometimes I dated people who I knew just worshiped the ground I walked on until I got bored and went after what I “really” wanted. I never cheated on a boyfriend because it was a line I would not cross. But I did behave in a way that I would NEVER act now, with my husband.  I adore him with my entire soul and every bit of attention, playing, curiosity and “shopping for a guy” that was once a part of my personality died immediately. I never, ever want him to think that he isn’t the man who has my entire heart. And not only does it no longer matter when a male gives me attention, but it actively bothers me because I find it disrespectful to my partner. So this isn’t about men just feeding your fiance attention and her inevitably giving in to that attention from men because she is attractive. Do you seriously believe that?  This has nothing to do with other men or what lines they try to cross with her — this is entirely her choice to treat you this way.

    Your fiance is taking you for a ride because you are the “safe one.‘ You are being used. She sees you as weak and forgiving and knows that you are buying her BS excuses because you are desperate to believe it.

    Don’t marry her. She is not capable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved. And no amount of pleasant physical looks or “nice days” in your relationship in the future are ever going to stop her for what she WILL do again. She does not respect you, or really love you, and she will only do it again.

    View original reply
    tospa10260 :  

    Post # 57
    Member
    608 posts
    Busy bee

    tospa10260

    Absolutely no….do NOT marry her or give her another chance – she doesn’t deserve it one bit because from what im gathering from what you said – your only an option & a back up in her eyes…End things w/ her asap. Find someone who will be faithful, love you completely & unconditionally. Bc this girl isn’t her. She has shown you her real true colors. Once a cheater always a cheater – she will never change because it will just end up happening again….Leave her.

    You deserve so much better! 

    Post # 58
    Member
    847 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2018

    I am so sorry but from a the cheaters point of view I want to tell you: no, this won’t work out. Don’t marry her. For you own sake but also for hers. 

    I have been in two long term relationships and I cheated the hell out of my boyfriends. I loved them. I truly did but I wasn’t enthralled with them. I was looking for something else. I didn’t know it at the time but now looking back I can say that this was an act of rebellion. They were good guys but not right for me. I tried to stop and change. But it was so tempting and so much fun. 

    My last boyfriend found out and after trying to fix the relationship he broke up. And that was a good thing. I clung to him because we were a good team. Yes, we were but we weren’t a great couple as in lovers. 

    Now i am happily married and I wouldn’t touch another guy with the wrong end of a broomstick. I love my husband so much. He is perfect. 

    And that’s the point. You don’t want to cheat when it’s the right person – and I don’t say that accidents don’t happen – but in your situation there are no accidents. She planned it. She wanted to do it. And that’s a big sign that you guys are just not meant to be. 

    Let go. Give you and her a chance to find the right person. Good luck! I am so sorry. 

    PS i didn’t read all the comments so forgive me if this has been said already. 

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