Post # 1
So, as some of you may know, I had asked a “friend” to be in my wedding months and months ago. She agreed but was always very very bad at getting back to me. However, every once in a while, she would get back to me so I just assumed she was busy and it was difficult to communicate from several hundred miles away. That is, however, until the month before my wedding rolled around and I couldn’t get her to even send me a text message. In fact, I contacted her brother to make sure that she was still well and that she hadn’t changed her phone number – she was fine and her phone number was the same. I tried to stay cool.
I finally got in touch with her just two weeks before the wedding. During the conversation, she asked me for the date of the wedding! I told her that if she couldn’t be there I would understand (I didn’t) but I needed to know immediately. She never called me back. I wrote her off and just proceeded as normal, less one bridesmaid.
Two days before the wedding her brother called me to let me know that he had spoken to her and she no intentions of attending my wedding. I called her to verify (she didn’t answer but sent me a text message) and she told me she had called and left a voicemail the week prior. She hadn’t.
Unfortunately, I lost a friend that day, if you can call her a friend in retrospect.
None the less, I was so happy to not have her there on the day of the wedding. Although my programs listed a person that was not in attendance, there were no ruffled feathers other than my own. In fact, I hardly noticed her absence on the day of my wedding.
I guess I’m just writing this because I have seen so many brides go through stressful events leading up to the wedding and I want them to know that even when disaster strikes it can all still work out. I tried so hard to remain calm in the days leading up to my wedding and, although this made it very difficult, it was the first time (in maybe too long) that I forced myself to just relax.
I guess my point is just that I wish you all the best in your planning but just know that sometimes things don’t work out for a reason. Because of my wedding, I now have a very strong appreciation for my true friends.
Post # 3
I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s not the same but I’ve grown distant from a lot of close friends since my engagement and subsequent move and it wasn’t from a lack of effort on my part. I’d lie if I said the fizzling out of some very close friendships hasn’t made me a little sad but I believe that everything happens for a reason and that all relationships are a two-way street.
I do have friends that I have had since we were kids that are actually my bridesmaids and I am so grateful for them. Even though we sometimes go months without seeing each other, when we get back together and hang out it’s like I never left. So I believe you when you say that the wedding has helped you see who your true friends are.
Post # 4
I am sorry that this happened but are you sure there isn;t something going on here? Can you maybe talk to her brother since he reached out to you to maybe see if everything is ok? I would feel really bad if I just wrote a friend off and then found out she had been battling something in her life.
Post # 5
I would think that but it sounds like the OP tried to be as thoughtful as possible in approaching the situation. Say something is going on. To not even send a text or anything as a heads up until people chase you down shows that a person isn’t invested in the relationship. I mean, it really takes a few seconds to tell someone that you’re sorry but you can’t be in their wedding. Heck, she could have even asked her brother to say it for her if she didn’t want to say it directly.
Post # 6
Sorry your friendship didn’t lasts but it definitely puts things in perspective.
Post # 7
You are calm and cool about this, what a great attitude.
Upside: your frenemy isn’t in any of your beautiful wedding photos! 😉
Post # 8
Wow!!! Sadly, weddings bring out the best and worst of friends… at least she enabled you to cut your losses 🙂
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium
Totally agree! At least you don’t have to look at your pictures and remember how much she wasn’t there for you! I had a similar situation with a 10 year friendship that ended like this. It’s sad… but some people just don’t belong in your life.
Post # 10
I would have just taken her out of the bridal party early on and forgotten about her.
Post # 11
My programs are wrong now too. My SO’d sister in law and my close friedn is having some mental health issues and may not be able to be in our wedding…in 13 days. I’ll know for sure Thurs. ugh
Post # 12
Sorry you had to go through this. But I’m glad you were able to relax and enjoy your day through it.
Post # 13
@aliavenue: Thank you for writing this b/c I definitely think I needed it tonight
Post # 14
This sounds so familiar to me…..some people are just so rude. I think a wedding really helps sort out who your “friends” actually are.
It sucks it’s happened, but weddings sure do open your eyes!
Post # 15
@aliavenue: I just had a talk with my flaky bridesmaid last night and I’m worried shes gonna do to me what yours did to you. She sounds JUST LIKE your girl. The only saving grace is that I sat with her, face to face last night and told her that I expect her to be there and that if she couldnt she had to say something NOW because Id rather her drop out now than flake out later. She didnt get defensive but she looked at me like she wanted me to beleive her….she pinky swore. We’ll see! I’am totally willing to give her ONE more try. I only have a maid of honor and ONE bridesmaid so its IS important that she or even another stand in. I have a plan B and with that assurance I won’t be freaking out.
I can see how disappointing it is when someone has seemingly NO reason to treat you indifferently or be flippant towards you and I know so many bees want to give the benefit of the doubt or play the devils advocate for the flake but really, who has time to chase someone down? I don’t. It’s demeaning and youre STILL the bad guy in the end. It doesnt mean I’m not the persons friend but I will recognize their limitations and you cant put yourself out more than you can afford because when you play that game you start feeling rejected and drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out to the point of obsequiousness. Life is too short and you have too many other friends (as you found) that genuinely want to be there. If she wanted to, she’d have made the effort. NOT the other way around.
I mean, do you think your employer would call you everyday to find out if you were coming to work?! Hell no, they’d fire your butt and that is someone who by definition has no personal interest in you. Surely a friend who is under NO obligation can muster a bit of integrity and follow through if they are volunteering themselves and I’ve heard other bees come down on gals who are simply expecting their friends to pony up and by saying stuff like ‘well you’re bridesmaids are not your employees to fire’ and ‘theyre busy too you know’…really?!? Like that excuses the flaky behaviour because they’re not ‘obligated’ or as if that obligates YOU to put up with that???? We’re not talking about situations like, “oh my house burned down with the dress in it, I’m sorry I cant make it’ or ‘my child has school, doctors, is sick etc so I wont be able to make the fitting’. But not even CALLING back when you KNOW whats up?…Making excuses for that kind of behaviour is just LAME! Where has the sense of personal responsibility gone? Cutting class when youre 15 is one thing but being a flake at your friends wedding is just d**k! (pardon the language but it IS)….
Regardless, much like you, I’am determined to have a good day cause the ONLY person I really need there will be standing across from me!
Post # 16
yeah i feel the same, my three bridesmaids all dont help with the wedding. i mention it & they just roll their eyes at me then go away & say nasty things behind my bak like how they hate the dresses, the area for the out door wedding. i go weeks to speek to them and im one that rings them they dont bother to ring me. makes me sad that they dont want to help