Post # 1
Every time my mom calls me or my brother it’s because they want something. When my brother had his grad party my mom called me the day before (after asking me for a month) to see if I could help her. When I said I was about to start work she flipped out, told me that she had been asking for my help, and then hung up the phone on me.
The other day she called me and asked me to drop of the dog to the kennel in the morning so that they could leave on their family vacation a day earlier. I had off and I wouldn’t have minded if they lived closer. But they live 30 min away one way and they definately have friends a block away. They, however, don’t want to “bother” their neighbors by saking them to help them for anything so I, of course, should drive an hour and spend the gas simply to drop a DOG off at a kennel less then 5 min away from their house. When I said I asked if someone else could do it mom said, “sorry to inconvience you, apparently I am, nevermind.” and hung up the phone. AGAIN.
She always does this. I’m tired of it and don’t know how to stop it. When I talk to her about it she thinks I should do stuff for them. We NEVER receive anything in return. I wouldn’t ever ask her for anything but this is stupid. She is such a child.
WHEW. Thanks for letting me vent.
Post # 3
I’m sorry! That’s so stressful. I don’t have any advice but you have my sympathy.
Post # 4
I think she just misses you and is reaching out in her own way. In my opinion, I think kids should help their parents out. Our parents raised us, so when they need help, I don’t think it out of line for them to ask. My mom passed away, and I would give anything to have her call me and ask me to do something for her. And it wouldn’t matter how insignificant I thought it was, I would still happily do it.
Post # 5
Again – no real advice but sending virtual hugs!
Post # 6
I totally understand what you are dealing with…The thing that I have to keep reminding myself is that my mom has just become more needy as she gets older. She has become more nervous about driving herself places or not being able to find her way around town anymore. I think you should have boundaries with your mom and let her know that you need a certain amount of advance notice but I do think that occasionally you just have to do things like that.
I’m not really close to my mom so it isn’t easy for me to always want to do errands for her or reschedule my day off to do something for her but I know that she has done plenty for me and I think it just becomes necessary to do more for them as they get older.
I know its not easy believe me! My mom stresses me out like theres no tomorrow!
Good luck wit these issues.
Post # 7
It sounds like it is the last-minute items that are an issue. In those cases, it is frustrating to be expected to stop everything and attend to your mom’s needs. Especially when dropping the dog off will take three hours with all elements considered.
@#noritake22 has a good point with the missing you idea, so maybe you can just call every so often to just “check up on everything.” Or make a monthly or bi-monthly lunch date to keep connected. I think if you do that, she will relax and with ongoing communication, you won’t be surprised by sudden requests.
This is my own (as a mom) perspective. Your relationship with your parents does change as you get older. My boys are grown and it’s sometimes hard to keep connected and not be a bother, but it is also hard to be a step away from someone you care about so much. When children are growing up, you are doing a fast dance with them. When they are grown, you are doing a slow dance with multiple partners — it takes a while to adjust.
Maybe you can help your mom adjust.
Post # 8
I understand how frustrating it is to feel unappreciated even though you do favors and go out of your way for others…however I think your overreacting a bit. If my parents ask a favor of me, I do it- No questions asked. It’s a matter of respecting your elders.
The first situation you gave as an example could have happened because she was stressed out. I’ve never planned a graduation party before, but I can assume it is pretty overwhelming! She asked you for a month to help out and you kept refusing (though you didn’t say why in your post) and she reached out one last time the day before only to be told no again.
I also live 30 minutes away from my parents, so I understand also how expensive it can be to visit, but they’re my parents and I’ll make the trip over there if they need me.
I don’t know any background info about your past with your mother, but it seems to me like you need to give her a bit of slack. Maybe you should make a lunch date and express to her your frustrations, she might understand!
Post # 9
I guess I should’ve given some background info on my mother. Me and her have never gotten along. Maybe when I was like five but after I hit like 13 she was extremely controling to the point that it was like abusive. I feel as though she hasn’t supported me in anything I’ve done the last 8 yrs. Everything to her is a fight, a control issue and if I’m not bowing down taking care of everything she wants then there is a problem. I mean the whole grad party was stupid. She is so OCD that she can’t relax. She had four people at least working on the grad party set up and redid half the house because all these people were coming over. She even painted the walls because the wall paper she was going to use a month later wasn’t decided on yet. it goes on and on…
Post # 10
Caller ID I think that is your best solution.
Your best bet is to learn to ignore her behavior and not let it affect you. It’s going to be hard, I’m sure.
Post # 11
yeah I do my best to filter her calls, but once she got hint that I was doing it she started calling me on my brother and my dad’s phone. So childish. I just let it go to voicemail
Post # 12
I think you should help your Mom out. Let’s face it, we all owe our Moms a great deal of gratitude for raising us, even if they did a crappy or subpar job. Be thankful she is still around to boss you!
Post # 13
I think a daughter calling her mother childish is childish. She has OCD? That means she’s sick. After 5 years old you stopped getting along? That doesn’t sound quite right because at 5 or 6 years old you still need your mommy and you look up to her. I agree with the PP who said she probably misses you and feels that you resent her so your relationship is now strained. I also agree that you should be happy that you still have your mom.
Also, a 30 minute car ride is peanuts. My family lives 5 hours away depending on the traffic and weather. You sound a little spoiled to me.
Post # 14
I don’t agree that children owe their parents. A responsible parent will raise their children to be self-sufficient, responsible adults,. Children are not obligated to pay their parents back for the parenting provided. A child’s job is to use the foundation offered to create a life for themself.
In a mutually respectful family, helping each other comes naturally. In some families it is better that the children keep themselves a step away. I’ve worked in a job for too many years, seeing too many parents use their children in ways that are despicable. I wouldn’t judge a son or daughter’s response to their parent because there are too many factors to consider.
Post # 15
@bee-gotten: she didn’t say they didn’t get along after she was 5, she said around the time she was 13. If you want to call her spoiled, then at least read the whole post.
Post # 16
@ktisthatbees: I don’t care how old she was, you never disrespect your parents at any age unless there is a serious issue. Driving 30 minutes to do your mom a favor is not a serious issue. Especially since her mom is sick. I bet if her mom read this thread, she’d be devasted.