(Closed) She's in my Wedding party, but I'm not in hers!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m sorry that happened, BUT- being in a wedding isn’t like a tit-for-tat situation.  Just because she is in your doesn’t mean you will be in hers.

I’d probably cool off a while and let the sting wear off before bringing anything up… is it possible that they are having a family only wedding party?  Maybe they decided to have even sides and the symmetry of her wedding party trumps your friendship? 

Post # 4
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Do you know who is actually in her wedding party? Is it all friends? Or family? I think that if she had family she had to include (sisters/cousins) and only had 1 or 2 friends, it isn’t really that big of a slight. But if you feel like this is going to be a big deal between you, i would just sit her down and calmly tell her that you were a little surprised/feelings hurt by not being included and you just wanted to talk about whether everything between you two is ok? 

Post # 5
4419 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’m so sorry.  That has to hurt. I don’t have any advice… Maybe you could invite her out to coffee or something, and tell her how you feel.  Let her know you don’t expect her to change her plans, but that you were surprised–given your history and how close you are–that you weren’t included in her wedding party.  I would probably just let it go, because I’m one to avoid any kind of confrontation, but if it would make you feel a little better, it might be worth the effort. 

Post # 6
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I know it hurts, but you have to let it go. With all the details that go into planning a wedding, it’s impossible to guess why someone makes the choices that they do, but ultimately it is their choice. Inviting someone to be in a wedding party shouldn’t be a tit-for-tat thing, and for whatever reason, the other bride has different priorities and obligations than you do.  Relax and enjoy her day as a guest and don’t take it as anything other than her having commitments to others that you don’t, especially if there are large families on either side involved.  If you want to offer help in planning or DIY and such, by all means do so, but do it as a gift.

Post # 7
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

It stings and hurts to find that out but before reacting I would take a big deep breath and just remember how stressful wedding planning is. Maybe it was an easy decision for you, but maybe in her situation she was forced to leave friends out. I personally left all family out of my bridal party, believe me my SILs/MIL were nottt happy…but I didn’t want them to take it personally. She prob feels really bad and that is why she was trying to avoid the topic.

Post # 9
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

I got inched out my cousins that the bride wanted in her Bridal Party on at least two occasions.  It stinks but to be honest, I’m glad I got to just be a guest and enjoy the day.  Maybe she was concerned that you would be overwhelmed since you’re planning your wedding as well.

Post # 10
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

There are a ton of reasons, ranging from obligations to include family to her thinking you’d be too busy planning your own wedding.  You could sit her down and ask her, but she may still be dodgy about it or it may never satisfy the answer you’re looking for.  It sounds like even though you aren’t looking for tit-for-tat, you DID have an expectation of being in the wedding party.  You kind of put that let down upon yourself.  It’s best to just be happy for her and try to be as understanding as possible that weddings can be extremely stressful for some people to plan… who knows what type of expectations are being placed on her by family, and who she is trying to please.

Post # 11
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Just becuase she is in yours does not mean she is obligated to include you in hers.  I can understand why you might be hurt as you thought you would be in your BFFs wedding party, but honestly I do not think she owes you an explanation.  I also don’t think she should have had to tell you you were not a Bridesmaid or Best Man – her lack of asking you to be one is her telling you.  Don’t put her in an awkward position. I have a friend who is not in my wedding and asks me constantly who my bridal party is (even though I have told her). Then, when I tell her who is included she gets silent and doesn’t say a word. It is super awkward and quite frankly I find it rude and unfair of her to repeatedly do.  I would never mention a word to my friend about something like this. 

Post # 12
4109 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Does she consider you her bff as well? I would be really hurt too. I would ONLY consider my bff as the Maid/Matron of Honor. Since it’s not a family-only thing, I think it’s weird she didn’t include you in her Bridal Party. Have you two had a fight recently? Did she seem jealous when you got engaged?

Post # 13
1659 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You can have an honest talk with her and tell her that you’re hurt that you aren’t included in her wedding party. As PP mentioned, she has obligation to include you nor does she owe you an explanation, but if it’s important to you to find out, you need to initiate this conversation.

Post # 14
2335 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

the issue is that I dont understand how it cant even be mentioned even when I presented the topic right on the table, by asking about the wedding party.

I think her not asking you to be in the Bridal Party for 5+ months was pretty clear sign that you weren’t in the Bridal Party.  Sorry, OP, but I don’t think she was hiding the truth from you.

ETA: I think her not discussing wedding details around you for months is more tactful than outright saying “you’re not a bridesmaid.”  Some might disagree, but I would have handled it the same way if I was the bride.

Post # 15
624 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Maybe she thinks that since youre getting married too, you wont have time to be in her Bridal party?

I would be hurt too, but the worst thing is to assume everything thats happening.

I would have a sit down talk with her, and say look I know its your wedding and yoy do what you want, but did I do something to you that made you exclude me?

If so I apologize but I just feel kind of out the loop in this.

Post # 16
4151 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

A really good friend of mine, I would say one of my BFFs, had a Maid/Matron of Honor and a Bridesmaid or Best Man.  I did not expect to be included since it was so small.  Her Maid/Matron of Honor and her had been friends since – forever. But her Bridesmaid or Best Man, no one had ever heard of her. Her fiance even admitted to my brother (whom he’s good friends with) that he didn’t even like her let alone want her in the Bridal Party.  Thing is, it’s totally her choice.  I was hurt, not because I wasn’t “picked” but because said “unknown” Bridesmaid or Best Man was.  She was reallly open about it, and as is turns out I wouldn’t have been able to commit anyway.  I still love her, and when the time comes I will still ask her to be my Bridesmaid or Best Man.  She is a friend for life!

I guess what I’m trying to say is: it sucks, it hurts, but she’s still your friend.  Sometimes we grow apart (like I have from my BFF – I’d studied away and have now moved away) but true friendship never falters.  Don’t get hun gup on the Bridesmaid or Best Man thing, focus on your friendship.

Hope that makes sense.

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