Post # 1
I grew up in an abusive household, both physical and verbal. My father would belittle and hit me and my mother focused on hateful comments. My father left in my teen years, thankfully. My mother, however, continued with her hurtful ways. By age 14, I was being called a slut (still a virgin, never kissed a boy, nothing). At 90 some pounds, I was too fat. If I was home sick it was because I was an alcoholic and drunk (I don’t drink). I was forced to sleep outside or in the basement, needing to ask permission to eat or use the bathroom. All I had was my journal which I wrote about these moments, drew pictures of my bruises…you get the picture. From age 8 until way into my 20, I just wanted to end it all. I couldn’t stand living, she made me hate myself and who I am. Finally, I was able to move out on my own, cut her out of my life, and began to heal.
My family doesn’t believe that any of this happened; my mother says I lie. She gives them all a sob story about how she’s tried to talk to me and I’m just horrible in return. They all tell me that she’s my mother and I have to talk to her.
Now she’s found out we’re engaged (even though she decided to make it up that we were engaged years ago) and expects to be invited. The rest of my family also expects for her to be invited, that I should be the bigger person. if I don’t invite her, some people may not even want to come.
A wedding is the start of a new life; one that I can’t let someone so hurtful be a part of. I’ve spent too many days this week in tears, anticipating the lectures I’ll be receiving from my grandparents, uncles, etc.
Please tell me that I am not the only one that has to deal with this nonsense.
Post # 3
This is a heartbreaking story! I agree that you shouldn’t HAVE to invite her. It is like you said a new beginning and a day you should feel good about. If her being there is going to shadow that then I say don’t invite her and if other people don’t respect that and don’t want to come that’s their loss. Regardless you will have your big, beautiful day!
Post # 4
I wouldn’t invite her. If people ask why, and you feel inclined, tell them honestly. If they want to not come to your wedding because you don’t want your abusive mother attending then they will be missed.
You should not have to be victimized on your wedding day though by being forced to deal with someone that hurts you. Put your foot down. She can’t control you anymore.
Post # 5
Sounds just like my mom. I’m sorry you had to go through this, no one deserves that. You definitely don’t need to invite her, but be prepared that someone like that will pull out all the stops. Just stand strong and don’t let it get to you.
Post # 6
I would not invite her either.
its sad that some of your family members wouldn’t come if she’s not invited. but i that is how they feel, that is how they feel. I would only want those there that love me & support me.
Post # 7
I don’t think you have to invite her at all. Like @irishphoenix said, if some people won’t come to the wedding because your abusive mother isn’t there, then they’ll be missed, but if that’s the way they feel, then do you really want them there?
Post # 8
You will never regret inviting only those you truly love and cherish to your wedding. Don’t be intimidated by other family members – if they try to even bring it up, interrupt them by saying “I’m sorry, I won’t discuss this any further” and hang up or change the subject. If they threaten not to attend, the answer is “we’d love to have you there but it’s your choice to attend” and then change the subject. I declined to invite a toxic immediate family member and it was the best decision I made! Hang tough & have the wedding day you and Fiance want.
Post # 9
I agree…she’s your Mom but that doesn’t mean you should spoil YOUR day by inviting someone that is connected to so much hurt and pain. Any of your family members that insist on you inviting her are insensitive. My wedding is very small with ONLY the people I truy want to witness my day.
Post # 10
Thank you so much for the support. I can’t explain how comforting it is to have people listen rather than just shove ‘she’s your mother’ down my throat.
@mrs.wow I really love your idea, “Don’t be intimidated by other family members – if they try to even bring it up, interrupt them by saying “I’m sorry, I won’t discuss this any further”
Post # 11
I would very much consider eloping if I were you. Or maybe a small, destination wedding. Your family is being completely unreasonable.
Post # 12
I agree with the PP’s. This is your day and the beginning of a new happy life with the one you love !!
My mother was abusive and toxic ( told my younger brothers and sister that I wasn’t to be mentioned in her obituary and I was not mentioned ).
I have an older sister with extreme addiction/mental health issues and a younger sister with serious mental health issues. They have both brought such drama and pain to my life because I have always been expected to be the adult one !!
When I became engaged…I made the decison that neither of my sisters will be involved and am completely at peace with it.
Stay strong and do what you are comfortable with !!! ((HUGS))
Post # 13
I’m so sorry.
My situation was nowhere near as bad as yours, but I also grew up with an emotionally abusive mother. After I moved out, I kept my distance, but still talked to her by phone 2-3 times per year. The last time I spoke to her, about two years ago, she started an argument and started threatening me, saying things like “you have no idea how miserable I can still make your life.” For weeks, I kept worrying that she would appear at the door (I live in a different state now) and try to hurt me. I had nightmares about her showing up to my wedding. I cut off all contact with her after that conversation. I realized that someone who says such things to their own child, someone capable of that kind of malice, has no right to be in their life. I also didn’t invite anyone on her side of the family to my wedding or even let them know when or where it would be. I didn’t feel I could trust them. Their loyalties were always with her.
Thankfully DH’s family has welcomed me with open arms. On our wedding day, I was surrounded by people I loved and trusted. I have never felt safer, happier, or more loved.
You’re building a wonderful new life for yourself. You don’t have to let anyone into it unless you want them there. You have no duty to please anyone who would take the side of your abuser. You don’t have to listen to their lectures or have those conversations at all. Just tell them it’s not up for discussion. Be strong. If they don’t come, they don’t come. Better the love and support of a few than the manipulation and guilt-tripping of multitudes.
Post # 14
All of these bees are giving amazing advice and support and are saying everything I would tell you.
I just wanted to post my support and let you know that you’re not crazy and you have every right as a bride to not invite those you don’t want to.
I pray that you’ll be strong, find the right words to stand up towards your family and still have the beautiful wedding you DESERVE.
You DESERVE to be happy.
Post # 15
My heart breaks at hearing your story but I’m also happy to hear that you’ve overcame the abuse and choosing a brighter future for yourself. With regards to inviting your mother to your wedding my advise is to move forward as you’ve already decided to. Your wedding is about you and you invite those that you want to share this special day with. Your family members that stated they wouldn’t come unless your mom is there is unfortunate, but that’s no reson to invite her. And you are right your wedding day does mark the start of your new future…and by choosing to start it over healthy is great. Continue to make great choices and rely on the power within!!!
Post # 16
I think you’re a very strong and inspirational person. I can’t say I’ve ever experienced exactly what you have but you’re doing the right thing for you by not inviting your Mum. I’m angry that you went through that. And you’re right – getting married can be a fresh start for you and I would use it to break away your pathetic excuse for a mother. It’s easy to say but try not to let your other family members get to you too much. YOU know what happened and YOU know what is right for YOU.