(Closed) Shes not PHAT

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

I would not say anything. Just give her the dress and let her figure it out. It will just cause unnecessary drama. You saying something will just make her feel worse about something that she probably feels pretty badly about as it is.

Post # 4
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Can the dress be altered to fit her?  If not, try getting a replacement ASAP.  If you can’t do that, you might consider getting her/asking her to get another dress in a similar style/same color.  It may not match perfectly, but just remember that she is one of your favorite people, and the wedding party is about having your loved ones around you, not having the perfect "look".  

Having said all that, I agree that it’s probably not best to draw attention to her weight gain before she does.  But these are some ideas if she tries it on and asks about getting a different size.

Good luck, I hope everything turns out!

Post # 5
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I don’t think you should say anything, she already knows that she has gained weight and what that means.  Just give her the dress and let her figure it out for herself.

Post # 6
Member
47 posts
Newbee

I would give her the dress and let her figure it out as well.

Post # 7
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

HOLD IT BEES!  I disagree.  What if you got your Bridesmaid or Best Man dress and it didn’t fit (for whatever reason)?  Would you want the bride give you a dress that wouldn’t fit and say, "Figure it out yourself!"?! That’s a really crappy thing to do to someone who is your friend.

What you want is for your friend to look good (for herself and for your wedding pictures) and be happy standing with you on your day. 

I agree that you shouldn’t say anything about her weight and cake eating (as it’s none of your business).  But you shouldn’t just leave her to figure it out on her own. 

I think you should e-mail all the girls and say, "Hey BMs, the dresses are in and we’re getting close to the big day.  I would like for everyone to get their dresses and try them on ASAP just in case something isn’t right (loose seams, broken zippers, etc) or doesn’t fit.  Let me know when we can arrange to get your dress to you."

When she tries her on and it doesn’t fit remember that she’s going to feel like shit.  I’m overweight and have been in many weddings wearing dresses that looked like crap on me because the bride didn’t care about her BMs self-consciousness.  You want her to be feeling nothing love and support for you on your wedding day- something very hard to do when you look like crap and feel uncomfortable.  So get on the stick and get her to try on the dress so you can help her figure it out.

And can I just say that as a person who is overweight I found your "She’s not PHAT" header pretty hurtful and insulting.  Please, for the sake of your friendship, address your own prejudices against fat people so you don’t lose a bridesmaid and a friend over a stupid dress!  If your negativity is apparent to me, she will definitely pick up on your judgement and disgust.

Post # 8
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

I wouldn’t bring it up. I would give her the dress and then give her a call (or like rosychicklet suggested, email everyone) and ask her if she liked the dress, if there are any problems, etc.

I think there’s an option for rush orders on Netbride. I’d check up on that just in case you do have to order another one. Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
75 posts
Worker bee

I agree about the group e-mail suggested by rosychicklet. I would also add a sentence like "Here is the contact info for Netbride, in case anything needs to be fixed." Phrase it more like the dress might need to be fixed.

Please, do not say anything to her about her weight or how much cake she had. Frankly, that is really none of your business. One would think that you asked your friend to be in your wedding because she means a lot to you, not because of her size.

Post # 11
Member
75 posts
Worker bee

Jennilee, I cross posted with you. I understand where you are coming from, and that the dress not fitting poses an issue for you. However, the cake comment kind of crossed the line from being a concerned bride to being a little judgemental.

Post # 12
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

Let me clarify. By figure it out, I didn’t mean that she should have to figure out what to do about the dress if it doesn’t fit. I simply meant that she should try it on alone and decide whether or not it fits and she is comfortable in it. No one should jump the gun and try to say anything to her about it before she’s even tried it on and seen it for herself.

Post # 13
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I would not say anything.  I agree that you should let your bridesmaids know the dresses are in and it is time for the fitting.  Bridesmaids are responsible for the cost of their dress, so if it does not fit her, then it is her responsibility to get it altered.  One of my bridesmaids has also had difficulty losing weight after having her child,  after trying on her dress she sat down and talked to me.  I never had to bring it up.  Her biggest concern was shoes (she knows she can get her dress altered) because I want them wearing a strappy silver sandal, and she wears a double wide that is difficult to find in this style. After a long talk we made some compromises with her shoes, agreed on the alterations to her dress, and all is golden. 

By The Way, the cake comment was an observation and IMO was not prejudice or hurtful in any way.  She is your friend, and you know if eating 2nds or 3rds of cake is normal for her.  When my friend and I talked about her weight SHE brought up that she can’t seem to stop eating for two, even though she is no longer prego.  She was very happy that I listened and worked with her.

I’m sure it will all work out –good luck!

Post # 14
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I should have better explained myself when I said for her to figure it out herself.  As a former bridesmaid who received a dress that was WAY too big, I meant that it is her responsibility to get the dress altered or to find some way to make it work.  2 weeks before my friend’s wedding, I put on my bridesmaid dress and you could have fit me and a 6 year old child into the dress with me comfortably.  The bride was close to tears but I assured her that I would make it work somehow.  I don’t think it is the bride’s responsibility to make sure that all of her attendants can fit into their dresses.  You have enough to do without worrying about that too.

I am also overweight and I was a little bit offended at first at the title of the post but I get that its a joke and am totally over it.  But I tend to not take myself too seriously when it comes to things like that.  But I know that I am PHATand it takes more than a board post to mess up my self-confidence.

Post # 15
Member
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

Tricky situation.

I think the best thing to do is to hand out the dresses, and accompany this with a group e-mail as posted above (so your friend doesn’t feel like she’s being picked on).

If it doesn’t fit you can always try to find one on ebay if you can’t alter it.

let us know what you decide!

Post # 16
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

hmmm…well, as a "fluffy" bride2bee myself, i assumed your title meant "pretty hot and tempting". a joke. nothing more. i’m not offended.

i think the best option would be to go with the majority. simply hand the dresses out silently. your friend will try the dress on and undoubtedly come to you and explain in embarrassed tones that it seems the baby weight wont let her wear this particular dress…..you guys can come up with a solution. she rush order another one, she buy something off rack…..she become a personal sttendent and pretty much act as a bm without wearing the exact dress.

Tons of options here. whatever you decide. be discreet. thats it. no need to have this convo in front of anyone. and just in case she is mortified and shy about the situation…make yourself available for conversation. I think it would be ok to ask her if the dress worked for her since you all took a stab in the dark at what size dress to order. That seems fair. i, as a fat gir,l would not be offended by this if it was done privately and with loving concern…..

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