(Closed) Shocked that my mother would….grrrrr

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Ugh…sorry you have to go through this. It sounds like you are definitely in a tough spot. If I were in this situation (and this is just me and may partially be because I’ve had it with other people during my wedding planning) I would tell your mother that this was your father’s choice, not your own. If she has any problems with it, she can take it up with him. And then I would probably inform her that if she were to think seriously for even one minute that she would cause a scene and ruin my day, she will be the one who is asked to leave. But again, that could be just because I am on the verge of screaming about my own wedding. Good Luck!

Post # 4
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Wow we could be family twins! My dad is in the exact same situation, but my mother knows when to keep her mouth shut. Sadly since I know the situation it would be easier for you not to invite him as horrible as that sounds. Unless you come to grips your mom will make a scene and just have some light-hearted way to deal with the guests afterwards. If you don’t want a scene, don’t invite him though.

I know my mom is spirited enough to start up yelling at my grandma (whom I despise btw), but she has always been civil and polite for past events.

Post # 6
179 posts
Blushing bee

Hrm, it’s a tough spot. In a way I can totally support how your mother feels about the whole situation. Think about what your mother endured in her relationship to your father and how much crap she put up with to be with him. I don’t blame her one bit for being resentful toward your father’s family at all.

Although it would be the fair thing to do to invite Mr. X… it’s simply not worth it to extend the olive branch in this situation. You have to pick and chose your battles sometimes. There have been many opportunities for you to build a relationship with him and him just showing up at the wedding is just going to lick old wounds.

My mom put me in a very similar situation. My mom despises my dad’s adoptive family b/c they totally neglected him growing up and left him to fend for himself. My dad has had a really crappy upbringing and I still believe he is scarred emotionally from it. Also his family talks crap about her and tried to break my mom and dad up. My mom put her foot down and forbid my dad from hanging out from them b/c of how toxic they are.

When I brought up that I was considered extended an invite to my dad’s niece and her family (b/c they are my dad’s only family) my mom flipped the heck out! She said she wouldn’t attend the wedding if they were there (that’s how much she hates them). After that I decided that it wasn’t worth the fight. I didn’t have a relationship with this family so it wasn’t a big deal that they don’t come. Just wanted to share my story.

Post # 7
2641 posts
Sugar bee

If this isn’t typcial behavior for your mom, (as in she’s normally sane -minus interactions with father’s family) I’d say some serious stuff had gone on.  Perhaps you’re not even privvy to it all. 

It does sound like a bit much for her to react that way.  But who knows what went on?  It also kind of sounds like your dad isn’t that bothered by it, and you’re not that close either.  So maybe it is easier to not invite him.

Do you think he’ll be really upset?

Post # 8
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Maybe you really caught her off guard and like Tanya123 said, more stuff than you know about happened. I bet anything she’s been thinking about this situation for years before you were even engaged and how she and your father would handle it when the time came. Well it’s here and it’s very stressful and brings up a lot of emotions and memories. Good luck!

Post # 9
1104 posts
Bumble bee

Sounds awful! My Mother-In-Law is a lovely woman who didn’t interfere in wedding planning at all…EXCEPT for the day when she asked if we were inviting Father-In-Law (i.e. her ex husband), Darling Husband said yes probably, and she threatened to not come if he did. OMG. What is it that makes mothers say such hurtful things???? Like you, we didn’t expect Father-In-Law to come, the invitation was more of a courtesy and so we could rest easy knowing we’d done the right thing as far as family obligations went. Father-In-Law didn’t come and Mother-In-Law never mentioned it again but I know it really hurt DH’s feelings. Even though MIL’s feelings were more important to us since she is in our lives and Father-In-Law isn’t, it was an icky situation.

I would probably follow your dad’s advice to keep the peace, assuming your mother’s feelings are more important than your grandfather’s. But they’re not more important than your father’s, especially since it’s HIS father we’re talking about, so I think this is probably something your parents need to talk about together, without involving you too much, and then let you know of their decision. Good luck!!

Post # 10
365 posts
Helper bee

That’s very tough.  How would you feel if you were in your mothers shoes and the man she loves more than life was subject to a childhood of abuse from these people?  There are things you may have no idea about.  They could have said and done some very awful things to her too.

Imagine having this husband and then having your dear children and these people having no interest in them.  His father effectively ignored her babies in her eyes.  That may have caused her huge offence.

It’s hard because you want people to put aside emotions and drama for your big day, but sometimes things are so hurtful that we can’t ever get past them.  This is a day which is very special to them as well as you, they are watching their baby girl walk down the aisle.

Just remember, they aren’t your cousins, aunts, uncles, they are your parents and this is a big day for them.  Yes, it’s a huge day for you, but it’s a big milestone in their lives.

I just wanted you to think about the shoe being on the other foot.

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